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Sunday, December 30, 2007

My Life/ Seeing my Grandpa


Tonight's the night that I am so nervous about, seeing my Grandpa. We are only having one visitation which is nice with Todd's we had three and that was exhausting. I feel like a bottle of nerves. I woke up early this morning and tried to keep myself busy, I went grocery shopping by myself, which I never do usually John helps me but he has been working so much and we shopped all day yesterday looking for funeral clothes I did not want to drag the kids out. Bad idea for me because it was to quiet, I kept thinking about my Grandpa and all the loss we have endured this year. I tried to concentrate on our New Years Eve get together but I still kept going back to feeling sorry for myself, I really hate that feeling. I am very nervous for the kids viewing my Grandpa I told them that if they don't want to go by him they don't have to it's their choice. Hailey keeps running around the house with a picture of him saying my Grandpa died, so who knows what will come out of her mouth. We went and met with the pastor last night at my Grandma's. We prayed and I have to say he made all of us feel much calmer. We laughed and told stories about Grandpa which really hit home that he is gone for all of us. Things were not the same around there that for sure. I hope he realized how much of an impact he had on all of us.

Thursday, December 27, 2007

My Life/ Saying Goodbye


I said goodbye to My Grandpa today. They made the decision on Wednesday that there was nothing more they could do for him. My Grandma finally gave in and said to take him off all life support. So last night that is what they did. The last time he was able to speak which was last night he confirmed the decision he was ready to go. I was not going to go to the hospital to say one last goodbye I wanted to remember him on Christmas Eve, winking at my girls. Well last minute I decided to go and see him. I am very Thankful I did. His eyes had remained shut since last night. He looked very comfortable. I sat on his bed as if I were a little girl again and held his hand. I cried and told him how much he had meant to all of us and I was very Thankful to have had him in my life. I talked to him about Tyler and he squeezed my hand. The lady from hospice said that he could hear me but was just to weak to open his eyes. Whenever I mentioned my kids he would squeeze my hand. I stayed for about an hour, then I kissed him and told him I loved him and he bit the oxygen tube that he had in his mouth. It was almost like he was trying to kiss me back. It made me feel so good. He died 2 hours later. My Dad was with him and he said he went very peacefully. I am dealing with it much better than I thought but It helped saying goodbye to him. I always think in my head if I could just see Todd one more time and tell him how much I loved him and how proud of him I was, I would take it in a second. I got to do that with my Grandpa. He is finally home. No more being stuck in a hospital bed. Finally pain free.... Tyler is taking it the hardest. It has been such a tough year for that boy. If it's one thing I've learned this year we are all very strong. We are a stronger family for it. I really pray that 2008 brings some much needed peace for all of us.

Monday, December 24, 2007

My Life/ Merry Christmas..


My Grandpa is still holding on. He is out of ICU finally but he still is not doing well. He still has to wear the mask occasionally and it's not the mask that he hates this one is just a regular oxygen mask so that makes it a bit easier. John and I took the kids up there this morning. Now this is the first time that they have been able to see him since he has been in the hospital. You never can prepare someone for a sight like this. They are used to seeing their Grandpa up and about, talking, laughing, I felt really bad because they really did not know what to say. My Grandma was there and she tried waking him up and he just could not open his eyes. I tried, my Mom tried even the nurse took a cold wash cloth to his face and that did not work. Finally after about 15 minutes he woke up and be was so happy to see the kids. He can't talk so good so he kept waving and my favorite was every time he would look at the girls he would wink. He was overjoyed to see them. We brought him his Christmas gifts but he was to weak to open them so the kids got to. My Grandma has his room decorated he even had a small Christmas tree. I told him that Tyler would take over his job at Christmas tonight, which is taking care of all the wrapping paper during presents. It's so sad to see him like this. I watched John face as he looked at him for the first time. He was in shock and so sad, he had just seen my Grandpa Thursday night and he looked nothing like he did today. To me he looked better since I had seen him on Friday near death. Katie and Rich got there just when we were about to leave and they left when we did because she was really having a tough time seeing him like that. My Grandma kept talking about how she was going to home early this afternoon and get everything ready for tonight. Little did she know that when she got home there would not be much for her to do because My Mom and Aunt & the rest of the Grand kids all went over there this morning and set the table, peeled potatoes, we did everything all she has to do is turn things on. John shoveled the driveway and even my kids helped. Steph and Katie of course arrived late but we left them the dishes. Hopefully my Grandma will take a nap now instead of working. My kids are getting so excited about going to Grandma's tonight, the food, the presents but it just will not be the same without Grandpa. My kids have already had alot of gifts, we had Christmas with Johns family on Saturday. We all had a great time and the kids were really happy with all their gifts. So they are spoiled because they will get presents tonight and tomorrow we have our Christmas and then we go to my Mom's for presents. Today is Nanny's birthday, she is a Christmas Eve baby so we are heading over to her house soon for some cake. I hope everyone has a safe and Merry Christmas...

Friday, December 21, 2007

My Life/ Letting go...


I am coming to finally realize that my Grandpa will probably never go to his home here, instead he is going to be in Heaven and free of Cancer and of all the pain. He took a turn for the worse today. I seen him last night and I thought he looked horrible, well nothing could have ever prepared me for tonight. They moved him back to ICU and he now is receiving oxygen through a mask. Which is very uncomfortable for him. He has been complaining for days that he felt that he just can't breath, well today a different doctor came in and decided that something needed to be done because he was slowly slipping away. He is going to have a blood transfusion sometime tonight they are really hoping this helps. When I walked into the room, he was sleeping, he looked dead to me. I was so scared. My Grandma who has been every body's rock through all of this was just finally breaking down. I had to leave the room for a bit I felt like I could not breath. After about 20 minutes or so my Aunt came to get us because he was awake. He is suffering I could see it in his eyes. I was left alone with him for a bit so my Grandma could eat and let me tell you I was scared to be alone with him. I tried to talk I mean just talk his head off, he nodded and was trying so very hard to talk but because of the mask he can't. At first I said to him that he needed to get better that I was not ready for him to go, but the longer I sat there with him and looked into those eyes of his I could tell that's not what he wants. As hard as it was for me to say to him I said Grandpa do what is best for you. I want to be selfish and keep him around for as long as I can but I now really see that he wants to die. He kept trying to take the mask off and talk and I told my Mom I think he wants to tell us to just let him go. When I left I told him several times that I loved him. I prayed on the way out to the car, all I want is what's best for him and I do not want him to suffer anymore. If he needs to go home to Jesus, then that is where I want him. Am I still praying for a miracle absolutely, I will keep praying until he takes his last breath. The nurses tell us what happens tonight will tell alot. He's either going to get better or not. If he gets any worse they did promise me that they would call so that I could be there, as hard as it is seeing him like this I still need to be there especially for my Dad and Grandma. I just do not understand why people have to suffer. He is a good man anyone who knew him loved him. His dimples which most all of us kids get from him, just honestly light up a room. Why him? Why now? Why couldn't he just have gone in his sleep. I really do not know how I am going to make it through Christmas. I have to put on this happy face for my family and I don't feel happy, I feel pissed off and sad. After I got home tonight my Grandma called and said that they took the mask off for a minute to give him some type of medicine and sure enough he told my Grandma no more, he was done. He does not want to live like this. My Grandma said get some rest and we will see how you feel in the morning. I understand that this has got to be so tough on her. They have been married for 50 years, I would not want to give up either, but on the same hand when she needs to let him go I really hope she can do it. This whole thing is a huge nightmare. I guess all I can do right now is pray.

My Kids...

Thursday, December 20, 2007

My Life

Saint Theresa's Prayer


May today there be peace within.

May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be.

May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith.

May you use those gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you.

May you be confident knowing you are a child of God. Let this presence settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love.

It is there for each and every one of us.

My Life/ Picture of Todd as a baby...


The closer it gets to Christmas I think the more nervous I become. It will be our first Christmas since Todd's death. The reason I think I feel nervous is because I don't want to feel sad or see my family sad on that day. I don't want to feel that loss all over again. I think of Todd every day how can I not I see him so much in Emma but I try not to think of his death and that he is really not coming back to us. I have accepted the fact but it still hurts to bad when I think about it to much. Last Christmas my sister video taped Christmas at my Moms house for Todd and we all wished him a Merry Christmas and she sent it to him. She even filmed our Holiday food fight last year it was between Katie & John she got him with mashed potatoes which I am sure Todd got a kick out of. I felt bad last year because he had to miss Emma's first Christmas little did I know that he would be spending his very last Christmas in Iraq. Years ago when Todd and Steph would come home at Christmas we would make breakfast all of us together and Todd's specialty was French Toast he had a special way of making them, which I never admitted to him but they were really good. I only wish we could have had more time. I worry about my sister also she has been really down these last few day's I think she is starting to think of him more to. It does not help with my Grandpa being so sick. I don't think that I will be getting my wish for Christmas. I guess they found something new in him yesterday possibly more cancer so I think I will go up there tonight and try to get the truth out of my Grandma. He still is not eating on his own and he can't really walk so who knows I keep praying for a miracle.

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

My Life/ Old Pictures...




I was going through some old pictures on my computer and I ran across pictures of my nephew when he was born. It seems like forever ago that he was a newborn. I remember watching him be born aside from giving birth to my own three children it was one of the greatest experience's ever. (without the pain).... As most of you know my nephew was like my own my sister was not into the whole mother thing so Junior was pretty much left in me or my Mom's care. I'm happy to say that my Sister has changed her way's dramatically, I now get him usually once a week overnight at my request. I had him today and he is such a little man. He watches everything and takes it all in, he often looks so grumpy because he has such a serious look to him. This past year and a half has been rather difficult for me letting him go I don't talk about it much not even to John because the whole subject is rather touchy it caused many problems in our marriage at one point. At one point I believed that I was going to be able to adopt him as mine I really felt like he was mine. John warned me don't get to close because it will only hurt in the long run, but I did not listen of course and I fell head over heels for this little guy. He was always with us. I look back and I would do it all over again in a heart beat. How could I not. He needed me, sure maybe at some point I should have told my sister No take your child, but she had alot of growing up to do herself and I did what I felt I needed to do. After months of taking care of him it was so difficult to step back and let her be a mom to him, it has gotten much easier, but I still look at him a little differently I mean like my own. I may not have gone through the pain of giving birth to him but I had many sleepless nights and changed many dirty diapers. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of my sister she got herself out of a very bad relationship and found this wonderful guy that can put up with her and loves her boy as his own. I believe that there are no mistakes in life and she needed to find her own way. She has turned her life around and I am very happy for her and Junior. I'm very lucky that I still get to be such a large part of his life. He loves coming to Auntie's house. Today he was sitting on my lap looking a pictures on my computer and he seen a picture of John, he got so excited and said Uncle. After months of practicing Auntie he says's Uncle, Go figure!!!

Monday, December 17, 2007

My Life/ Great Wolf Lodge....




So we went to Great Wolf Lodge in Traverse City this past weekend. We started this about three years ago we always go the week before Christmas. The kids start to look forward to this trip starting in October and that's when I start saving for it. I must say that this year was by far the most enjoyable. My husband and I are really starting to realize that the older the kids get the easier they are to bring to places like this. Hailey had a blast and it was so nice that I did not have to carry her or chase her she just stayed right with us and was able to do everything the big kids could do. I must confess I am a tad bit jealous because she suddenly became a Daddy's girl over the weekend. She was Daddy's partner on the water slides because Kenzie wanted her time with Mommy. Which was nice for me but a tiny bit sad because usually Hailey only wants me to do things for her and by Sunday it was all about Daddy, which he was really enjoying!!! Tyler of course thought that we did not move fast enough to the water slides I can't tell you how many times I heard Come on Mom. We did manage to get a few more presents bought also which the kids were not to excited to be going shopping when we could be swimming. Tyler talked me into buying him a new pair of Heeley's( the shoes with wheels) he has out grown his old pair. The salesman talked me into these gel things that you put in the heels of the shoes and $75 later he was Heelying out of the store. Kids may get easier the older they get but they also get way more expensive. I think Wednesday will be cookie day around here, I don't have many kids that day so I figure I will start in the afternoon and have the kids help once they get home from school. I started doing this many years ago I make a variety of Christmas cookies for friends and family and every year the list seems to get longer. So I am planning on Wednesday but to those of you that receive these cookies don't hold me to it the day is subject to change because of all the craziness around here.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

My Life/ Finally I get to see my Grandpa

Well I finally got to see my Grandpa tonight. Yesterday my Grandma called me and told me that they could not regulate his heart and things were not looking well for him and that if we wanted to see him we should come in the next few days. That was just awful to hear from my Grandma she is always so positive. So we were going to go last night and my Grandma called and said not to come because the roads were so bad. So at their request we did not go. She also wanted my sisters to come with John and I. I knew hearing this things were not good. Needless to say I could not sleep last night without medication. It's all I could think about today, what was I going to say to him? How was he going to look? I was so nervous.. All of us went not quite sure what to expect. We walk in to him actually sitting up eating, which my Grandma said he has not done in days. He's thin I mean really thin and he looks really old. I felt much better when he started complaining about the food and that it was dry, that's the Grandpa I know, soon he had all of us cracking up laughing, I can see what a little pistol he can be for the nurses up there. Don't get me wrong he is a very sick man but I still seen a bit of the fight left in him. I wanted to hug him but we were not allowed to touch him. He had some moments where he would talk out of his mind but all in all he seemed to be with it. To me he looked bad but to my Mom and Grandma they said he looked 100% better. They are even considering moving him out of critical care and to a regular room. And Maybe just maybe with the help of a visiting nurse he will be able to spend Christmas at home with his family. That is the only thing I want for Christmas this year, I want one more Christmas at my Grandma's with my Grandpa in his chair with all his family surrounding him. (I Promise I will be good Santa) Thanks again for all your prayers.

Sunday, December 9, 2007

My Life/ Okay I'm just wondering?????

Am I ever going to have a boring day where nothing happens? I am really starting to wonder.. I thought maybe yesterday was the day but as luck would have it I was wrong. We started out great we went to have breakfast with Santa which was great, after that we went to get our Christmas tree with the Mott family, which also was great. After setting the tree up we rushed to the Christmas parade where we froze but we had alot of fun. Here is where the story turns, John decides that he is going to go to work and I would bring him dinner later and I was going to do some shopping with the kids. John leaves and I am on the phone with my Mom and Tyler is getting in the hard candy dish, we have a container for hard candy and a container for the rest of the candy the kids can eat, well I watched him reach for the hard candy knowing earlier John told all the kids that they were not to eat any hard candy that they got from the parade. Tyler popped a butterscotch in his mouth and within a second he is choking. He is freaking out, Mom I am choking, oh Mom I do not want to die running around coughing just in great panic I tell my Mom I have to go because I need to call 911 if I can't help him. Oh course she freaks out and sends Uncle Rich over which arrives at my house in less than a minute. But in that time I grabbed Tyler from behind and placed my hands under his rib cage a pushed and out flew I mean literally flew across the kitchen his whole butterscotch. Uncle Rich arrives and we are all really shaken. I mean My body is shaking so hard I did not know what to do with myself. Rich holds Tyler because he is crying and my Mom comes busting in next and I just started crying like a 2 year old. I must say after all I have been through this past year this was by far the most traumatic for me. Seeing My son, My baby so scared and freaking out so bad really frightened the hell out me. Needless to say I threw away every piece of hard candy in my house and made Ty promise that he would never eat any hard candy even at school. That night I could not sleep I made Tyler sleep with me, I just needed to hold him. I think he felt the same because earlier in the night my Mom and I took the kids (all five of them out to dinner and shopping) and Tyler did not leave my side. I just pray that I never have to do that again. Waking up this morning from hardly no sleep, my Mom calls it's my Grandpa they had to put him back in ICU, still no visitors and something is now wrong with his heart. My Mom and Dad were able to see him and they both said he looks terrible. Later today we found out that he also has a staph infection. They inserted some type of tube in his chest not sure what for because I am pretty much banned from the hospital. I mean I would hope that they are going to let us see him if he gets any worse. I do understand because they can't take any chances of him getting more sick from our germs but on the same hand I really need to see him in case something happens. I hate the fact that he is suffering. He hates hospitals and he is stuck in one and in so much pain. I tried to finish my Christmas shopping today he is one of my last people I need to buy for and I can't find anything. I keep thinking maybe the reason I can't find anything is because he is not going to be here. The thought of it makes me feel ill. I can't imagine my life without him in it. I'm just going to keep praying, things have got to settle down at some point right?

Friday, December 7, 2007

My little Wonder's......

My Life/ Is there really a Santa?


Oh that dreaded question of Moms with young children. Is Santa real Mom???? I thought I would be having this conversation with my son, I mean he is the oldest. Nope it was with my 7 year old daughter Mackenzie while shopping in Target.. She took me by surprise. She casually states Mom I don't think that there really is a Santa, is there Mom? I'm trying to think fast so I ask her a question. I asked why do you think that Santa is not real? She then tells me, it is just not possible. I asked her well who brings you all the presents? Well dah you and my Dad. Hmmm do I lie or tell her the truth? I basically did neither. I told her that Christmas was about magic and that Santa was magical. She smiled and just dropped it. All who know Kenzie this is just like her to drop it and move onto the next thing. So I never brought it up again hopefully she gives me one more Christmas of believing. Tyler is 10 and he has never questioned Santa. Go figure... I am crazy when it comes to wrapping the gifts from Santa in different wrapping paper, I also use different tags and pens I even change up my handwriting. John thinks I am nuts, but I just want them to believe for as long as possible. It kinda takes the fun out of Christmas when you stop believing. A quick update to my crazy life.... My Uncle was well enough to be released from the hospital yesterday. I'm praying that he takes the help he has been offered and starts enjoying life. My Grandpa on the other hand is back in the hospital because he is so sick from the Chemo. He is not allowed any visitors which I am really having a hard time with. I really hope that this all comes together before the Holiday. I am determined to have a great one! Thank you so much to everyone that wrote me and called to check on me. I have many great friends in my life that I am so very thankful for.

Monday, December 3, 2007

My Life/ Confused.....

I just got back from the hospital where I was visiting my uncle. He tried to kill himself this morning. I can't believe that I just typed that. My uncle, my favorite uncle tried to end his life today. Thank God he did not succeed. He has been on a downward spiral now for months now but NEVER did I think it would come down to this. My Mom called this afternoon on her way to the hospital to tell me. You know you are never prepared to hear those words. Hearing my Mom so upset I just wanted to cry for her. This was her big brother someone she had always looked up to. I am so confused how can a 50 year old man with a wife and many kids, 2 grand kids, tons of friends and a family that love and care so much about him feel he needed to end his life. I asked him flat out what was so bad about your life? He weeped when telling me that he really did not know, he could not answer. To know this man he is the most put together 50 year old I know, he loves his looks they are very important to him and he loves his kids. He is the best Dad, I used to pretend he was my Dad growing up. He did so much for all of us. His youngest child is around Tyler's age, what the hell was he thinking? Seeing him just lying there in his hospital bed just bothered me so bad. He wanted to talk tell me everything which kinda shocked me. He said he had it planned for day's. He picked a remote spot in the woods, bought some type of Dryer hose. Left the house in the middle of the night. Drove to his location, hooked it up and just waited.... Waited to die. He thought he would just fall unconscious and peacefully die. That did not happen. He told me that after about 20 minutes he wanted to stop, he changed his mind but he just could not. That would mean that he would have to face everyone so he sat there for almost 3 hours, just getting sick, having weird visions. Finally he thought God must not want me to die today. He actually drove home to his wife. She said he was so yellow and his hair was sticking straight up, she just knew what he had done. By now he is really sick. She drives him to ER. They can't believe he is alive. He had a diesel truck lucky for him, I guess that makes a difference. He is still not out of the woods yet. His throat and lungs are burned in fact all around his mouth is burned. He is at high risk for a heart attack, they have him in ICU. He could have lasting affects of this on his body. I have never seen anyone like this. I tried so hard to get my Mom to come home with me or at least eat but all my attempts failed. On the way home from the hospital my sister and I just sat in Silence for the longest time. Finally she just started crying. Why has this been such a terrible year for our family? I have no answer for her. First we loose Todd in such a tragic way, then my dear grandpa finds out that he has cancer. So not only are we all dealing with this bad news, now we have my poor uncle who obviously needs some help. I feel like I am living in a movie. My life always has some type of drama. I'm trying to be there for everybody else, trying to find the right words to make things better and it is just one of those times that I am at a loss. All I do know is that my uncle has been given this second chance and my hope for him is that he gets the help he needs and starts enjoying his life once again.

Sunday, December 2, 2007

My Life/ Hailey is turning into Mackenzie!



It's true right before my very eyes Hailey is turning into Mackenzie. Not only do they look alike they now act alike. They love the same foods for example they both can't get enough of bread and butter. I mean tons of butter, I think they would each eat just butter if I let them. Hailey has to do everything her big sister does. And now that Hailey is getting taller it's like seeing Mackenzie as a 3 year old all over again. It scares me a bit I mean they even walk the same. And when I get after one of them the other one jumps right to her defense. They are ganging up on me. They are to cute though and I am so glad that they are so close. I mean sisters are the best thing I have no idea what I would do without mine. Sure they drive you crazy at times but at the end of the day they are always there for you. Speaking of which one of my Sisters is taking my niece to Ohio for the week. I am going to have Emma withdrawls. Hurry home Steph we are going to miss you two.

Thursday, November 29, 2007

My Life

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

My Life

"If we are not an accident, then we could also say that accidents don't happen to us — only changes in plans that we are not informed about. God is always working on His purposes in and through us. Plans are okay to a point, just as long as our plans don't get in the way of His purposes. And when He changes them, instead of getting upset, we need to ask what He has in mind now." RW

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

My Life


Monday, November 26, 2007

Check out my Slide Show!

My Life/ My Girl


This morning I was writing in another fallen soldiers guestbook this one is from our area. As I am writing to this family I could not help but cry. I often cry when writing in these guestbooks but I think it hit me hard because this Soldiers body is being brought in the same way as Todd and visitation is at the same funeral home. I was just imagining how his family must have been feeling at that very moment. Getting up and getting ready to go to the airport. That was us months ago. Mackenzie who is usually a tad bit grumpy in the mornings, comes up and cuddles on my lap as I am typing. Not even knowing what I am doing she asks are you crying because you miss Uncle Todd. I said yes and told her what I was doing. I showed her a picture of the young man that was killed last week. she then got up and went to get a picture of Todd. She informed me that when she misses him she talks to his picture and it always makes her feel better, here Mom she said talk to him. You know what? I actually did feel better. Thank you Mackenzie. Before we got ready for the bus she wanted to listen to Todd's song which is God bless the broken road. So as we listened to his song we just snuggled. It's pretty amazing when a 7 year old helps her Mommy out. I am so lucky to have her.

Thursday, November 22, 2007

My Life/ Happy Thanksgiving.......



It's Thanksgiving night and we just got home from our traditional Thanksgiving movie. This year we watched Fred Clause. Pretty funny movie. Hailey slept through the entire movie, which means no sleep for her and I tonight. I made our usual Thanksgiving dinner and as usual my Sister Steph sat and watched. Oh I take that back she opened the green beans and corn for me, big helper just kidding Sis. Anyway all went well. I must confess I woke up a bit grumpy this morning. John woke me up to get the turkey in this year he even helped, and I was kinda grumpy to him. I felt bad and apologized later, I think that is has to do with still feeling a bit angry about Todd being gone. I layed in bed watching Good Morning America they had there Thanksgiving special on which consists of families being reunited with their loved ones from Iraq. Don't get me wrong it's a good thing. As I watch tears are just streaming down my face, so happy for these families. There were these little girls who had not seen their Dad in 10 months and he was home on leave. He surprised them at school. It was wonderful. I just can't help to feel sad for Emma and Steph and everyone else who has lost a loved one to this war. All the families that can't be with their loved one's on the holidays and those of us who will never spend another holiday with ours. It's still so hard for me to understand. I watched my kids play with their cousins today, laughing and chasing each other. For that I am so thankful. But a part of my heart still hurts almost like it still can't be real. So on this Thanksgiving I still have so much to be thankful for, good friends, my kids, all our families, but I still remember and I will never forget the Solider that sacrificed the ultimate for his Country. I thank all the Soldiers and their families. God Bless and Happy Thanksgiving.

Friday, November 16, 2007

Our Trip To Las Vegas

Friday, November 9, 2007

My Life

IF I HAD MY LIFE TO LIVE OVER - by Erma Bombeck
(written after she found out she was dying from cancer)


I would have gone to bed when I was sick instead of pretending the earth would go into a holding pattern if I weren't there for the day.

I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted in storage.

I would have talked less and listened more.

I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained, or the sofa faded.

I would have eaten the popcorn in the 'good' living room and worried much less about the dirt when someone wanted to light a fire in the fireplace.

I would have taken the time to listen to my grandfather ramble about his youth.

I would have shared more of the responsibility carried by my husband.

I would never have insisted the car windows be rolled up on a summer day because my hair had just been teased and sprayed.

I would have sat on the lawn with my grass stains.

I would have cried and laughed less while watching television and more while watching life.

I would never have bought anything just because it was practical, wouldn't show soil, or was guaranteed to last a lifetime.

Instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I'd have cherished every moment and realized that the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle.

When my kids kissed me impetuously, I would never have said, 'Later. Now go get washed up for dinner.' There would have been more 'I love you's' More 'I'm sorry's.'

But mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute...look at it and really see it . Live it and never give it back. STOP SWEATING THE SMALL STUFF!!!

Don't worry about who doesn't like you, who has more, or who's doing what. Instead, let's cherish the relationships we have with those who do love us. Let's think about what God HAS blessed us with and what we are doing each day to promote ourselves mentally, physically, emotionally. I hope you have a blessed day.

Wednesday, November 7, 2007

My Life/ My Morning


So my mornings are very hectic as most could imagine. I am up at 6am most days and my first kid arrives around 6:30. With this in mind I try to lay out my kids clothes the night before and make their lunches, even by doing this I am still pretty pressed for time. I wake them up at about 7am. My son is pretty easy to get up he never usually gives me a problem, it's Miss Mackenzie I worry about. I'm very careful of how I wake the child in the mornings. I usually lay in bed with her and snuggle and ask her what she wants for breakfast, I have learned not to assume she wants waffles because that is what she eats 99.9% of the time, but the minute I assume that's what she wants and make it for her she will want something else believe me I've learned the hard way. Anyway I basically kiss her sweet butt because I don't want to argue with her before school. I do alot of tongue biting. Well this morning it was Tyler's turn, everything I did was wrong. I layed his clothes out last night so he had all night to see what I picked out for him, so after getting out of the shower this morning he comes stomping out, Is this what I am wearing? It was a very nice button down shirt, something he has worn many times before, but today he tells me it looks stupid and something he would wear for pictures. Okay I say pick something else out that you would like to wear. He storms off, like I am lazy or something, I mean come on I guess I am just supposed to run and pick out something else for the boy. Times ticking I remind him, he still needs to eat. With that statement he rolls his eyes. I'm really feeling the love at this point. Then he starts blow drying his hair which he calls me in for my help. I guess I can't do that right either because he re-wets it and drys it again. By this time I am ready to flip out Kenzie is going nuts because she is waiting for me to do her hair, Hailey wants her breakfast and I am dealing with day care kids. As I am putting them on the bus I'm thinking Vegas can't come fast enough. Aunt Steph & Nanny I will be thinking of you both next week because all this will be your problems. Good Luck you will need it!

Sunday, November 4, 2007

My Life/ Great Weekend!


We had a pretty good weekend. I don't know what is wrong with me I seem to always be happy, I mean I think I usually am a happy person but I have really been appreciating life. It kinda scares me like maybe something terrible is going to happen to me. It just feels like all is going well in our lives. I don't find myself sweating over the little stuff, I mean I still have my bitch moments but my life feels really calm. My husband and I went to a high school playoff football game Friday night with another couple. No kids we felt like we were teens again. I felt like I was in the show Friday Night Lights, sounds kinda dumb I know I just can't explain it. I just felt so thankful for the moment. I watched these three boys running around playing they were probably around three or four years. I could not help but watch them, my thoughts were someday these three boys will be men, husbands and fathers. On the way home from the game my husband and I were talking about this new sense of appreciation that I have managed to find and all we can really think is that I have really grown since Todd's death. His death has really affected me in ways that are just unexplainable. I want everyone in my life to know how I really feel about them. I want to enjoy everything. Saturday night our friends had a Halloween party which was alot of fun. I think I drank alittle to much and when I do this I go through the Shelly stages as everyone who knows me well would call it. First stage I laugh alot everything is funny to me, then I hit the helping everyone out stage I try to find true love for all. Then I hit the love stage where I hug and tell everyone how much I love them example I was telling my sisters boyfriend what a great guy he is and how lucky we were to have him in our family, and I guess I even said a speech to my very dear friend who turned 30 a few weeks ago. As alway's my night ends with tears but this time it was not tears of sadness it was tears of being really happy. Funny what a few drinks do to some. We took the kids to see the Bee Movie which I thought was cute, my husband thought it was dumb but the kids really liked it to. During the movie Hailey was just giggling, in that moment I just felt so happy to be there with her, and all that know Hailey we do not get many of those moments especially in public. I wish I could give this feeling to everyone. This feeling of just enjoying your life in the moment even when things are crazy, enjoy it because you never know what tomorrow is going to bring. I am really going to try to keep this attitude I'm sure I will fall off the wagon many times, but I am really going to try. My son was upset the other day because one of his really good friend was being mean to him and calling him stupid. This really hurt his feelings, he was in tears telling me, now as a Mom I am instantly pissed and wanted to call the little *******. But I explained that this is how kids are, and that growing up we all had to deal with mean kids. I told him that all that really matters in life is that you are healthy and happy and having fun. It hurt like hell to see my boy hurting but this is real life and the truth is there will be more hurt feelings to come. Even as adults our feelings get hurt, someone will always have something that you want, look better, have a better relationship this is how life is, I think the difference in some of us is that we actually learn in life and figure out that those types of things are not so important. It is not about who is better, it is about finding that certain place in your life and surrounding yourself with people who share the same values as you. Making life long friends. Loving someone so much that it sometimes is going to hurt. Letting your guard down long enough to let others in and see the real you and that you are not perfect. Your real friends are the ones that see you cry and feel your pain and try to help you. After Todd's death I had alot of that in my life and I also had to supply alot of that to my Sister and the rest of my family. So this is my secret to being so happy these last few months. My hope and point to this story is that everyone who reads this will learn to live their lives to the fullest. Just be happy, try not to worry about shit that is not going to matter when your gone.

Thursday, November 1, 2007

Check out my Slide Show!

Wednesday, October 31, 2007

My Life/ Happy Halloween

Monday, October 29, 2007

My Life/ No Name the Cat


Okay so we have had this kitten now for about 3 weeks and he still has no name. We all can't agree on one. My husband named our cat Jasmine so my theory is that he does not get to name this one but truthfully I can't think of a name for the little guy. Hailey calls him Boy, Mackenzie likes Garfield and John and Ty like Gold Member. Other suggestions have been Tobey and butterscotch and Isaac suggested Cat. So I am stumped, I have to make a vet appointment for him and he has no name. So any idea's would be very helpful.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

My life/ Life has been busy


It occurred to me that it has been a while since I really wrote on this thing. I have been so busy it is hard to find the time to write. My son turned 10 a few weeks ago and my daughter turned 7 last week so I have been really busy with birthday stuff. Next month my husband and are going to Las Vegas for our 10 year anniversary. We never had a wedding or a honeymoon so we figure we kinda owe it to ourselves. My Sister will be staying with my kids so I know they will be well taken care of but I have never left them for a long period of time or never been so far away. Not to mention I have not been on an airplane in about 10 years so I am alittle nervous. I am looking forward to the trip but I also am having a bit of anxiety over it. One of the things that Todd's death has taught me {well one of many} is that life is to short to worry about every little thing. This is something that will be very good for me and it is something that I very much need to do. We never know what tomorrow will bring so we should enjoy our life while we can. My sister is finally starting to smile which is so nice to see. She was sleeping alot and was really depressed. But over the last few weeks she is starting to come around. I can't tell you how Happy this makes me. Life is moving forward, I know that there will still be bad days but I now see that we will all still have lot's of joy in our lives. And thats something to be very thankful for.

Monday, October 15, 2007

Check out my Slide Show! Tribute to Todd

Friday, October 12, 2007

My Life/ Praying for our Troops



As I reflect on this photograph, I see once again that not all the brave leave the "home of the brave" to enter battle; some are required now to be the brave of the home

It is said a picture is worth a thousand words but it leaves me speechless and tears in my eyes.






We have a long list of good friends whose husbands are deploying

to Iraq next month. One of the wives sent me this. We feel compelled

to send it on. Your prayers are deeply appreciated. These guys

deserve our love, our hugs and most powerfully, our prayers.





Prayer Request:

I understand that life in Iraq is very difficult to bear right now. Our troops need our prayers for strength, endurance and safety.



"Lord, hold our troops in your loving hands. Protect them as they protect us. Bless them and their families for the selfless acts they perform for us in our time of need. Amen."

Wednesday, October 3, 2007

My Life/ Happy First Birthday Sweet Emma



My niece Emma is one today I can't believe it. Last year at this time my Mom was in Texas with Steph and Todd awaiting Emma's arrival. What a difference a year makes. Todd's headstone was just laid down about a week ago. I can't describe the feeling I had seeing his name on that stone. It dug so deep into my stomach like he died all over again. I often think of Todd but I tend to put his death to the back of my mind because it hurts to much to think about. So when I seen his name it was like I had to admit all over again that this is so final. I look at his little girl and I feel such pain not for her now because she does not have a clue what she has lost but for her when she's older. She will have no memories of her Daddy except the ones we share with her but none of her very own. I feel like she has been robbed of that Daddy/daughter relationship. Lot's of questions enter my mind. How will this affect her as she is growing up? Her relationships? How is she going to feel at school one day and others are talking about their Daddy's and she does not have hers waiting for her at home. I also think about if my sister does ever re-marry will that man treat Emma like his own? My heart just breaks for her. She is such a special little girl. She has these dark brown eyes and she has her Daddy's LOOK. Whenever we tell her No she gives us the LOOK. You can't help but want to snuggle her. So Happy 1st Birthday Emma, Auntie loves you.

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

My Life/ Realizing


To realize
The value of a sister,
Ask someone
Who doesn't have one.

To realize
The value of ten years,
Ask a newly
Divorced couple.

To realize
The value of four years,
Ask a graduate.


To realize
The value of one year,
Ask a student who
Has failed a final exam.


To realize
The value of nine months,
Ask a mother who gave birth to a stillborn.


To realize
The value of one month,
Ask a mother
who has given birth to
A premature baby.

To realize
The value of one week,
Ask an editor of a weekly newspaper.

To realize
The value of one minute,
Ask a person
Who has missed the train, bus or plane.


To realize
The value of one-second,
Ask a person
Who has survived an accident.


Time waits for no one


Treasure every moment you have.


You will treasure it even more when
you can share it with someone special


To realize the value of a friend or family member:

LOSE ONE.


The origin of this letter is unknown,
But it brings good luck to everyone who passes it on.


Do not keep this letter.


Send it to friends & family to whom you wish good luck

and don't forget the one who sent it to you!

Peace, love and prosperity to all!

Remember...

hold on tight to the ones you Love



Life may not be the party we hoped for,
but while we`re here we should dance


Good Advice!

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Remembering 9/11


It's hard to believe that it has been six years since 9/11. I think everyone will always remember what they were doing at that exact moment when finding out the terrible news. I was feeding my daughter her cereal watching Good Morning America. I was in the shower when the first tower fell. My son was in afternoon pre school and I chose not to send him that day. My Dad and my sister were on there way to Georgia for my Brother in Laws graduation after his training in the Military. Right before joining the Army my sister remembers talking with Todd about her fears of him enlisting. He said it's not like we are at War. Then 9/11 happened. That changed EVERYTHING. If it were not for that day we probably would have never gone into Iraq and Todd might still be alive. I think of this day often that was the turning point of everything. Every year I watch all the specials on the 9/11 attacks, all the heroes that died that day. Now six years later I sit and I think about Todd, this is the reason he gave his life for our Country. How ironic my Mom and my Sister and niece are flying to Washington DC for another memorial service today of all days to honor Todd. They recovered the rest of his body and are going to lay him to rest there. They fly out this afternoon. Worry is starting to set in, not sure if it is about the flying or just them being so far away. So many people hurting inside today remembering their loved ones, mourning for America. We will never forget.

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

My Life/ Marriage

Marriage (Part I )

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady,
and
after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what
time
I want -- and I don't expect any hassle from you.
I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless
I tell you that I won't be home for dinner.
I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing

when I want with my old buddies, and don't you
give me a hard time about it.
Those are my rules. Any comments?"

His new bride said:
"No, that's fine with me. Just understand that
there will be sex
here at seven o'clock every night...whether you're
here or not."

(DARN SHE'S GOOD!)

************************************************

Marriage (Part II)


Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day
of their 40th wedding anniversary!

The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a
headstone
that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife -- Cold As Ever'!"

"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting
you a headstone
that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband -- Stiff At
Last'!"

(HE ASKED FOR IT!)


*****************************************

Marriage (Part III)


Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a
fight at the breakfast table.
Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no
good in bed either," and storms out of the house.

After some time he realizes he was nasty and
decides to make amends and rings her up.
She comes to the phone after many rings, and the
irritated husband
says, "What took you so long to answer to the
phone?"

She says, "I was in bed."

"In bed this early, doing what?"

"Getting a second opinion!"

(YEP, HE HAD THAT COMING, TOO!)

*****************************************
Marriage (Part IV)


A man has six children and is very proud of his
achievement.
He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling
his
wife," Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides
that it is time to go home
and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave
as well. He shouts
at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home Mother of
Six?"

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of
discretion,
shouts right back, "Any time you're ready, Father of
Four."

(RIGHT ON, LADY!)

*****************************************

THE SILENT TREATMENT

A man and his wife were having some problems at
home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would
need his wife
to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business
flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence
(and LOSE), he wrote on a piece
of paper,"Please wake me at 5:00 AM ." He left it
where he knew she would find it.
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover
it
was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.


Furious, he was about to go to see why his wife
hadn't wakened him when he
noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper
said, "It is 5:00 AM . Wake up."


Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

*****************************************

God may have created man before woman, but there
is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.


************** ***************************

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

My Life/ Powerful Message

A very powerful message!!!


There was a blind girl who hated herself because
she was blind.


She hated everyone, except her loving
boyfriend. He was always there for her. She told
her boyfriend, 'If I could only see the world, I
will marry you.'


One day, someone donated a pair of eyes to her. When
the bandages came off, she was able to see
everything, including her boyfriend. He asked
her,'Now that you can see the world, will you marry
me?'

The girl looked at her boyfriend and saw that
he was blind. The sight of his closed eyelids
shocked her. She hadn't expected that. The thought
of looking at them the rest of her life led her to
refuse to marry him.

Her boyfriend left her in tears and days later wrote
a note to her saying: 'Take good care of your eyes,
my dear,for before they were yours, they were mine.'

This is how the human brain often works when our
status changes. Only a very few remember what life
was like before, and who was always by their side in
the most painful situations.



Life Is a Gift

Today before you say an unkind word -
Think of someone who can't speak.

Before you complain about the taste of your food -
Think of someone who has nothing to eat.

Before you complain about your husband or wife -
Think of someone who's crying out to GOD for a
companion.

Today before you complain about life -
Think of someone who went too early to heaven.

Before you complain about your children -
Think of someone who desires children but they're
barren.

Before you argue about your dirty house someone
didn't clean or sweep -
Think of the people who are living in the streets.

Before whining about the distance you drive
Think of someone who walks the same distance with
their feet.

And when you are tired and complain about your job -
Think of the unemployed, the disabled, and those who
wish they had your job.

But before you think of pointing the finger or
condemning another -
Remember that not one of us is without sin and we
all answer to one MAKER.

And when depressing thoughts seem to get you down -
Put a smile on your face and thank GOD you're alive
and still around.

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

My Life/ The little Things!

The 'L I T T L E' Things



As you might know, the head of a company survived 9/11 because his son started kindergarten.


Another fellow was alive because it was his turn to bring donuts.

One woman was late because her alarm clock didn't go off in time.

One was late because of being stuck on the NJ Turnpike because of an auto accident.

One of them missed his bus.

One spilled food on her clothes and had to take time to change.

One's car wouldn't start.

One went back to answer the telephone.

One had a child that dawdled and didn't get ready as soon as he should have.

One couldn't get a taxi.

The one that struck me was the man who put on a new pair of shoes that morning,
took the various means to get to work but before he got there, he developed a
blister on his foot. He stopped at a drugstore to buy a Band-Aid. That is why he is
alive today.

Now when I am stuck in traffic, miss an elevator, turn back to answer a ringing telephone...
all the little things that annoy me. I think to myself, this is exactly where God wants me to be
at this very moment...

Next time your morning seems to be going wrong, the children are slow getting dressed, you
can't seem to find the car keys, you hit every traffic light, don't get mad or frustrated;

God is at work watching over you.

May God continue to bless you with all those annoying little things and may you remember their
possible purpose.

Tuesday, August 7, 2007

My Life/ Goodbye Gavin!

Well I am sad to say that Gavin the little boy I have written about has lost his battle to cancer. He passed away early Saturday morning. We knew it was coming but it still stings. I went to visitation last night which I was scared to death to do but I really felt the need to go. I have never met this boy or his mother, I watched Gavin's little brother for a short time last summer while Gavin was in the hospital. My only other connection is that I know the Grandmother and his Aunt. I felt the need to check this boy's website on a daily basis as if it were like checking my Email. He touched me, his story really got to me. My heart broke when I read Sunday on the website that he passed away. So I go to this visitation last night they had a wonderful slide show of his life many pictures on display and this peaceful little boy laying in his casket looking just like he is asleep. I starred in amazement he looked so at peace but you could tell that he had been very sick. He had his monkey with him, I watched as loved one just felt the need to kiss him stroke on his bald head it was like it gave them some bit of comfort. A small part of me had the feeling of just wanting to hold him. I can't explain it. I finally met Gavin's mother and what a honor it was to meet such a brave Mom. What that poor women has been through in the past three years I could not even imagine. She looked tired and strained but she was so gracious. I whispered to her what an inspiration she was to all Moms. I wanted to just keep hugging her. Gavins brother Aiden was so excited to see me he would not let me leave. He wanted me to keep watching the slide show with him. I wonder how much he really understands? Driving home all I could think about was Gavin, and how he fought for so long. What an amazing child. Rest in peace Gavin.



When you're down to nothing, God is up to something."

She jumped up as soon as she saw the surgeon come out of the operating room. She said: "How is my little boy ? Is he going to be all right ? When can I see him ?"

The surgeon said, "I'm sorry. We did all we could, but your boy didn't make it."

Sally said, "Why do little children get cancer ? Doesn't God care any more ? Where were you, God, when my son needed you ?"

The surgeon asked, "Would you like some time alone with your son ? One of the nurses will be out in a few minutes, before he's transported to the university."

Sally asked the nurse to stay with her while she said good bye to son. She ran her fingers lovingly through his thick red curly hair. "Would you like a lock of his hair ?" the nurse asked.

Sally nodded yes. The nurse cut a lock of the boy's hair, put it in a plastic bag and handed it to Sally.

The mother said, "It was Jimmy's idea to donate his body to the University for Study. He said it might help somebody else. "I said no at first, but Jimmy said, 'Mom, I won't be using it after I die. Maybe it will help some other little boy spend one more day with his Mom." She went on, "My Jimmy had a heart of gold. Always thinking of someone else. Always wanting to help others if he could."

Sally walked out of Children's Mercy Hospital for the last time, after spending most of the last six months there. She put the bag with Jimmy's belongings on the seat beside her in the car.

The drive home was difficult. It was even harder to enter the empty house. She carried Jimmy's belongings, and the plastic bag with the lock of his hair to her son' s room.
! < /I>
She started placing the model cars and other personal things back in his room exactly where he had always kept them. She laid down across his bed and, hugging his pillow, cried herself to sleep.

It was around midnight when Sally awoke. Laying beside her on the bed was a folded letter. The letter said:

"Dear Mom, I know you're going to miss me; but don't think that I will ever forget you, or stop loving you, just 'cause I'm not around to say "I Love You". I will always love you, Mom, even more with each day. Someday we will see each other again. Until then, if you want to adopt a little boy so you won't be so lonely, that's okay with me. He can have my room and old stuff to play with. But, if you decide to get a girl instead, she probably wouldn't like the same things us boys do. You'll have to buy her dolls and stuff girls like, you know. Don't be sad thinking about me. This really is a neat place. Grandma and Grandpa met me as soon as I got here and showed me around some, but it will take a long time to see everything. The angels are so cool. I love to watch them fly. An d, you know what? Jesus doesn't look ! like any of his pictures. Yet, when I saw Him, I knew it was Him. Jesus himself took me to see GOD ! And guess what, Mom ? I got to sit on God's knee and talk to Him, like I was somebody important. That's when I told Him that I wanted to write you a letter, to tell you good bye and everything. But I already knew that wasn't allowed. Well, you know what Mom ? God handed me some paper and His own personal pen to write you this letter. I think Gabriel is the name of the angel who is going to drop this letter off to you. God said for me to give you the answer to one of the questions you asked Him 'Where was He when I needed him ?' "God said He was in the same place with me, as when His son Jesus was on the cross. He was right there, as He always is with all His children. Oh, by the way, Mom, no one else can see what I've written except you. To everyone else thi s is just a blank piece of paper. Isn't that cool ? I have to give God His pen back now. He needs it to write some more names in the Book of Life. Tonight I get to sit at the table with Jesus for supper. I'm sure the food will be great.

Oh, I almost forgot to tell you. I don't hurt anymore. The cancer is all gone. I'm glad because I couldn't stand that pain anymore and God couldn't stand to see me hurt so much, either. That's when He sent The Angel of Mercy to come get me. The Angel said I was a Special Delivery ! How about that ?

Signed with Love from God, Jesus & Me.

Friday, July 27, 2007


> HERE'S TO THE GIRLS!!!
>
>
> What's so poignant about this picture? Well, it shows a line of
little girls holding hands facing the immensity of ocean waves.
> Alone they might be washed away, but together they stand strong.
> Thank you each for holding my hand somewhere along the way when I
was facing a wave of my own.
> I hope you will reach for my hand when your own wave threatens.
>
>
>
>
>
>
> All of us girls..
> Old and young...
> Near and far...
> Hold special memories of good times we've shared.
> We've had our share of hard times when our friends were there to
make us feel better.
> We've shared...
> our hearts
> our time
> our secrets
> our fears
> our hopes
> and our dreams.
> Let us n ever break the chain of friends!
>
>
>
>
> If you get this twice or more, you are lucky to have more than one
girlfriend.
>
>
> Someone will always be prettier.
>
> Someone will always be smarter.
>
> Their house will be bigger.
>
> They will drive a better car.
>
> Their children will do better in school.
>
> And their husband will fix more things around the house.
>
> So let it go, Be Happy!
> And love yourself and your circumstances.
> Think about it.
>
> The prettiest woman in the world can have trouble in her heart.
> And the most highly favored woman on your job may be unable to
have children.
> And the richest woman you know, she's got the car, the house, the
clothes....might be lonely.
> And the Word says if "I have not Love, I have nothing."
>
> So, again, love you.
> Love who you are.
> Look in the mirror in the morning and smile and say
>
> "I am too blessed to be stressed and too anointed to be
disappointed!"
> I like that!
> "Winners make things happen.
> Losers let things happen"
> Be Blessed ladies and pass this on to encourage another woman.
> "To the world you might be one person,
> But to one person you just might be the world".
>

Thursday, July 26, 2007

My Life/ I want to be Somebody!!!!!!

I am in just one of those moods today. I want more out of my life, I want to have a purpose or at least know what my purpose is. I mean who am I really? I have no special talents, I'm just a wife and a mom. In high school I had all these big plans I was either going to be in journalism or a counselor. I started college but never finished. I hated school, I really did. Now I wish I would have finished at least I could have said I accomplished something. I would not change a thing about my kids I am thankful I have them, they are the biggest blessing, I just wish I had more for myself. I want to be somebody important. I want to make a difference, I'm just unsure how. I wish I were smarter, I feel like there is just something else I am supposed to be doing other than changing diapers all day. I realize that not everyone could do what I do, it does take a great deal of patience, but I also feel that I am not appreciated for all that I do. I am just in a funk right now, well actually it's been about a week now. I'm like that though I struggle with depression. I hate it! I'm happy one minute and crying the next. Some day's I feel so thankful for life and the next I'm asking why me?

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

My Life/ How Men Think

1. Getting angry at us for not reading your mind is like getting angry at yourself for not being able to fly. It's not just futile, it's physically impossible.
2. Yes, we do think Jessica Alba is hot. Sometimes we're even dumb enough to admit it.
3. Don't ask us to understand your shoe fetish. Asking us to respect it is even sort of pushing it.
4. You do look good without makeup, just not as good as you look with it.
5. Ever notice how we don't fight with our male friends? That's why we get so frustrated when we fight with you.
6. You care what you're wearing infinitely more than we do. In fact, if you're naked when you open the front door, you won't hear an argument from us.
7. You don't like to get hit on in public, you don't want to date online and you don't want to be set up on blind dates. Tell us if sending messenger pigeons is an appropriate way of courting. Because if it is, we're all over it.
8.
There should a statute of limitations on stupid things that we said that can come back to haunt us
There should a statute of limitations on stupid things that we said that can come back to haunt us. I propose 24 hours.
9. Cooking dinner for a man is like buying flowers for a woman, except it takes a lot more time, effort and thought for you to do it. Thanks. We appreciate it.
10. We actually like your girly pet-names for us, but please, not in front of the guys!
11. Just because we like looking at the women in Maxim doesn't mean we want to actually converse with the women in Maxim. Not for long, anyway.
12. Your nice guy friends are the most reliable source for telling you if your new boyfriend's a jerk. And he probably is. (By the way, you might want to consider marrying that nice guy who's giving you advice about the jerk.)

Monday, July 9, 2007

My Life/ Getting to know me.

One of my girlfriends sent me this the other day I thought I would share it. You can copy and paste it and write your answers in and send it to others.


Welcome to the 2007 edition of getting to know your
friends. What you
are
supposed to do is copy (not forward) this entire
e-mail and paste it
into a
new e-mail that you'll send.

Change all the answers so they apply to you,
then send this to your friends including the person
who sent it to you.
The
theory is that you will learn a lot of little things
about your friends
that
you might not have known. It takes a while just to
read.

1. What time did you get up this morning?
7:30 am

2. Diamonds or pearls?
Diamonds

3. What was the last film you saw at the movies
Fantastic 2

4. What is your favorite TV show?
Army wives & According to Jim & Lost


5. What do you usually have for breakfast?
blueberry waffles everyday

6. What is your middle name?
Lynn

7. What food do you dislike?
peas


8. What is your favorite CD at the moment?
none really

9. What kind of car do you drive?
Chevy Suburban

10. Favorite sandwich?
Turkey

11. What characteristics do you despise?
Lying

12. Favorite item of clothing?
pajama bottoms

13. If you could go anywhere in the world for a
vacation, where would you go?
Hawaii

14. What color is your bathroom?
green and white

15. Favorite brand of clothing?
Target clothes

16. Where would you like to retire?
Florida

17. Most memorable birthday?
don't really have one!

18. Favorite Sport to watch?
football sometimes basketball

19. Furthest place you are sending this?
not sure

20. Who do you expect to send this back to you?
?

21. Person you expect to send it back first?
?

22. Favorite saying
bastard(John) or I am so flipping mad


23. When is your birthday?
10-24-76

24. Are you a morning person or a night person?
sometimes both

25. What is your shoe size?
8

26. Pets?
Cat, Jasmine

27. What did you want to be when you were little?
Journalist

28. What are you today?
Mom and daycare

9. What is your favorite candy?
fifth avenue candy bar

30. What is your favorite flower?
yellow rose

31. What is a day on the calendar you are looking
forward to?
This weekend

32. What church do you attend?


33. What are you listening to right now?
Tyler playing guitar hero's (cherry pie)

34. What was the last thing you ate?
Watermelon

35. Do you wish on stars?
yes

36. Do you believe in Angels?
Yes

37. If you were a crayon, what color would you be?
purple

38. What is your pet peeve?
when I see shoes untied

39. Last person you spoke to on the phone?
John

40. Do you like the person who sent this to you?
yes

41. Favorite soft drink?
cherry pepsi

42. Favorite restaurant?
Red Lobster

43. Hair Color?
brown

44. Siblings?
Stephanie & Katie

45. Favorite day of the year?
My kids birthday's

46. What was your favorite toy as a child?
Barbies

47. Summer or Winter?
Summer

48. Hugs or kisses?
both

49. Chocolate or vanilla?
Chocolate

50. Do you want your friends to e-mail me you back!!!
Sure!!

51. When was the last time you cried?
Last night

52. What is under your bed?
suitcases and Kenzie's Journal

53. Who is the friend you've had longest?
Lea

54. What did you do last night?
Went to the beach with John & kids and Katie, Rich and Jr

55. Favorite smell?
a baby

56. What are you afraid of?
Having sick children

57. How many keys on your key ring?
12

58. How many years at your current job?
Going on 9

59. Favorite day of the week?
Saturday

60. How many towns have you lived in?
3

61. Do you make friends easily?
sure

62. How many folks will you send this to?
unsure

Thursday, July 5, 2007

My Life

I don't know what is going on with me, these past few nights I have been having trouble sleeping. Once I fall asleep I wake up every few hours checking to see how many hours I have left until my alarm goes off. I think I maybe got about 3 hours of sleep total last night. I was dragging all day. I am praying that tonight I will just crash. My Sister had a hard morning, she walked in and said Hi and just started crying. I feel so terrible for her. She said that she was just missing Todd and that she still feels like it's all a bad dream. She started screaming at me and said "you don't know what it feels like to be me, you have your husband." I just started crying. I wish I could tell her it will get easier but I have never gone through this before, I really don't know what's right or wrong anymore. Last year at this time Todd and my sister came home for the 4th of July. They stayed about 2 weeks, we gave her a baby shower and had a family picture taken for my parents wedding anniversary. We had such a nice time. What a difference a year makes. We knew at that time that he would be going back to Iraq in October, but we were awaiting the birth of their daughter and he never spoke of it. I wish I could rewind time but life is not that easy. All day yesterday I thought of what we ate last 4th of July. It hurts to much to think of too long. I am sure that is why my sister was so upset today. I think that she was remembering the same things I have been. This weekend we are having a cook out at my Mom's house it is something we have every year. Our community has a small parade and activities during the day and fireworks at night. So we get to celebrate the 4th twice which is kinda cool. My kids love being able to watch double the fireworks. I only wish Todd was here watching the fireworks with his wife and daughter.

Monday, July 2, 2007

My Life/ No more training wheels

We had another great weekend. We took the kids camping and although hectic we had Lot's of fun. My three year old Hailey had her moments but she really had a great time. My other daughter Mackenzie learned how to ride her bike without training wheels. My son learned at a much younger age but she just had no desire until recently. I feel like these kids are just growing up to fast now. Of course Hailey can't grow up fast enough (just kidding). I started letting my son ride his bike over to his friends house down the road. Of course I have to watch to make sure he made it, but for me that's a huge step. I am very protective of my kids, I get it from my own Mother. Tyler just started going to friends houses within the last year or so. The first time I dropped him off and left him to go to a birthday party without me was the hardest thing. I now realize that it is just something I have to do, I am actually doing more harm trying to shelter him. He will soon be entering the double digit's I have to cut the cord. My husband is having a tough time with it also. Tyler is not only his boy but he is his buddy, the thought of him spending time somewhere else without him really bothers him. But we will get through it. Every child must grow up. It is a given. My son also made the All star baseball team for the second year in a row, so we are very proud and excited for him.

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

My life/ Crazy hot day.

What I thought was going to be an easy day has turned out to be a stressful day. I switched around some kids today so that I would be able to run some errands. I had my three kids and just one daycare kid. So we leave around nine this morning. First stop, the bank. It is a hot and humid day here and I just spent a lot of money to get my air conditioner in my Suburban fixed so I am enjoying how cool it is and my son is just freezing. So he is complaining Mom I am so cold. He is so skinny he has absolutely no body fat on his body. Please Mom turn off the air and just put your window down. So I gave in, the poor kid had goose bumps. Well my 6 year old daughter who is sitting behind me starts complaining it's to windy. So I now have my window cracked and the air on really low. We are heading to the Cemetery. We have not been there since Memorial Day. It starts to rain and we have hit construction. My wind shield wipers aren't working, my Diva of a three year old is crying because her shoe has fallen off and no one can help her because she is in the very back seat. I was looking so forward to getting out today I could hardly sleep last night. I am stuck at home everyday during the week because of daycare. By this time I am just wishing I were at home changing diapers and chasing kids. We finally make it to the Cemetery were my son wishes to be alone at his Uncle's grave site. I take the other kids and we go visit my great grandmothers grave. I give him 5 to 10 minutes and I walk back and tears are just streaming down his face. Words can not describe the pain I felt for him. I wish I could shield him from all his pain. He whispers I just want one more time with Uncle Todd, just one more time to play with him and say goodbye. My heart just broke. I still struggle with his death but I often forget that my son is struggling too. He really loved him and enjoyed playing with him. I just hugged him and said someday we will all be together again. That's all I could say. Being a parent is one of the hardest jobs and seeing your children sad or upset is the worst feeling. After all the tears we head to the grocery store and shopping with four kids is never easy or that fun. Then we met my husband for lunch which was nice because we never get to. My three year old daughter had a melt down the whole 25 minutes it took us to get home. I still have not figured out what set her off but that's been my day.

Sunday, June 24, 2007

My Life/ Great weekend.


We had a great weekend. My 6 year old daughter Mackenzie learned to jump off the diving board and swim to the latter all by herself. She was so proud of herself. She took swimming lessons last year but still was not comfortable to swim in the deep end but yesterday we were at a pool party and she finally started swimming it was great. My three year old was a different story she had to do things her own way. She had a few melt downs at the party which of course was not unusual for her. Today we took the kids to Silver Lake State park which they really had fun riding their bikes and swimming. I love the summer. When we move I would love to live somewhere it is warm all year round. Sunshine makes us all very happy.

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

My Life/ The Unknown

My husband and I went for a run tonight well he ran and I rode my bike (I am not much of a runner). It was so quiet and peaceful something that I am not used to having three kids. It was so nice I almost did not want to come home. Ever since Todd's death I just keep thinking about the unknown things in life. On this bike ride my mind just kept wandering. I think my husband was getting alittle pissed because I was just keeping to myself. I almost feel like I do not know what is right or wrong anymore, I am constantly thinking of death and how we really have no control when our times up. By doing this I realize that I am just waisting time but I just can't help it. I have been emailing a father of a soldier that died in Iraq the first time Todd was in Iraq. He actually emailed me first and told me the sad story of how his son was killed and how Todd was with him and when Todd returned home he met with them. I asked this poor father do you ever feel normal again? His response was yes and no. With each new day you get stronger and are able to deal with life more but there is alway's this void you have. I see what he means because I do not cry everyday now, but I still think of him and wonder how things would be if he were still alive. His death has affected my everyday thinking on life. I don't worry so much about the bills and money which is a good thing but I also think about death more and how I could wake up tomorrow and someone else I love may be gone. It scares me a bit. I want to know is he okay? Is he with us? All these questions drive me nut's. Are we on the right path in life? The list goes on. My sister passed out the other night in the bathroom. She hit her head and has a mark on her face. I guess this is the second time this has happened it happened once in Texas. She went to the doctor this morning and they want to do a scan on her head. Of course she thinks the worse that she has a brain tumor or something. I told her she is fine and everything will be okay. But it really did get me thinking. Tragic things really do happen to all families. We think it will never happen to us and it really can. I guess I just can't worry about the unknown because there is really nothing I can do to change it. I just have to find a way to not worry so much and enjoy everyday.

Sunday, June 17, 2007

My Life/ Fathers Day!


We had a very peaceful Father's Day. We went to Yogi Bear's campground just for the day and took the kid's swimming and then took my husband out for dinner and came home and got a lot of much needed yard work done. It amazes me how close my children are to their Dad. I never had that bond with my Dad growing up and it shows to this day that we are not close. My kids have so much with John. I was sitting in a chair beside the pool today resting my eye's listening to them play in the water. The fun they were having. They have a totally different relationship with him than they do with me. I am so thankful that they all have each other. I used to dream of having a Dad like John so I am glad that I married one so that my kids never have to feel that void. I was always so scared of my Dad as a child I never remember having much fun with him. He was always such a serious guy. Now he is totally different but we are still not close. My husband said the sweetest thing to me today as we were watching our three kid's play on the playground. He said that there is not a day that goes by that I do not take them for granted, I feel so lucky to have each one of them. Now that's a Daddy speaking. My heart melted. I guess the saying really is true "Any one can be a father, but it takes someone special to be a Daddy. Happy Father's Day John. Thanks for being an awesome Daddy to our three kids and for being such an important man in our niece and nephews lives. We all appreciate you.