Friday, December 21, 2007

My Life/ Letting go...

I am coming to finally realize that my Grandpa will probably never go to his home here, instead he is going to be in Heaven and free of Cancer and of all the pain. He took a turn for the worse today. I seen him last night and I thought he looked horrible, well nothing could have ever prepared me for tonight. They moved him back to ICU and he now is receiving oxygen through a mask. Which is very uncomfortable for him. He has been complaining for days that he felt that he just can't breath, well today a different doctor came in and decided that something needed to be done because he was slowly slipping away. He is going to have a blood transfusion sometime tonight they are really hoping this helps. When I walked into the room, he was sleeping, he looked dead to me. I was so scared. My Grandma who has been every body's rock through all of this was just finally breaking down. I had to leave the room for a bit I felt like I could not breath. After about 20 minutes or so my Aunt came to get us because he was awake. He is suffering I could see it in his eyes. I was left alone with him for a bit so my Grandma could eat and let me tell you I was scared to be alone with him. I tried to talk I mean just talk his head off, he nodded and was trying so very hard to talk but because of the mask he can't. At first I said to him that he needed to get better that I was not ready for him to go, but the longer I sat there with him and looked into those eyes of his I could tell that's not what he wants. As hard as it was for me to say to him I said Grandpa do what is best for you. I want to be selfish and keep him around for as long as I can but I now really see that he wants to die. He kept trying to take the mask off and talk and I told my Mom I think he wants to tell us to just let him go. When I left I told him several times that I loved him. I prayed on the way out to the car, all I want is what's best for him and I do not want him to suffer anymore. If he needs to go home to Jesus, then that is where I want him. Am I still praying for a miracle absolutely, I will keep praying until he takes his last breath. The nurses tell us what happens tonight will tell alot. He's either going to get better or not. If he gets any worse they did promise me that they would call so that I could be there, as hard as it is seeing him like this I still need to be there especially for my Dad and Grandma. I just do not understand why people have to suffer. He is a good man anyone who knew him loved him. His dimples which most all of us kids get from him, just honestly light up a room. Why him? Why now? Why couldn't he just have gone in his sleep. I really do not know how I am going to make it through Christmas. I have to put on this happy face for my family and I don't feel happy, I feel pissed off and sad. After I got home tonight my Grandma called and said that they took the mask off for a minute to give him some type of medicine and sure enough he told my Grandma no more, he was done. He does not want to live like this. My Grandma said get some rest and we will see how you feel in the morning. I understand that this has got to be so tough on her. They have been married for 50 years, I would not want to give up either, but on the same hand when she needs to let him go I really hope she can do it. This whole thing is a huge nightmare. I guess all I can do right now is pray.