Saturday, February 28, 2009

My First Prayer Vigil

A couple of weeks ago I signed up for a 24 hour prayer vigil at church. Each person that signs up gets his or her own hour of choice to be with God. I was very excited when I signed up for it but as time went on and the more my schedule started to fill in I found myself saying "if only I did not have that prayer vigil I could have time for something else". So by Thursday night I'm wishing I had never signed up for it because life was just feeling overwhelming and I felt like with each day of the week I was falling more behind on things. Then Friday comes. John and I were up at 3:30 in the morning I woke up first then he woke up, he thought well as long as he is up he might as well go to work so that he could be out early on a Friday. Well me and my awful self did not like that idea, I knew if he got up and got ready that would be the longer I was awake and the harder it would be for me to go back to sleep. So what do I do? I start a fight, yup my evil side emerges. All of a sudden I am just mad, he storms out and I can't go back to sleep, I'm laying there telling myself, "I am not going to call him" well guess what I called him, not to apologize over such a stupid fight I picked but to bitch some more. Now I am in tears and he's just pissed.. He lets me go once he gets to work basically still fighting and telling me that I am just flat out crazy, well of course that does not sit well with me so I text him a very long text, anyway stupid story short we kinda make up, but I never go back to sleep, I finally get tired 15 minutes before I have to get up for the day. Getting ready for the day my phone rings, its Jamie she tells me that school is cancelled. I wont even type my choice words that came out of my mouth. Of all days to have a full house it has to fall on a Friday especially that Friday when I was already starting my day off all wrong with being up so early. Since it fell on a Friday I would have two extra boys that usually I only have after school for like an hour on Fridays. I am a total planner on the days I know I will have a few extra kids I like to have things planned out for how my day is going to go. When you watch kids you have to have a schedule or things will be even more crazy. So at this point I am thinking thank God John is coming home early he can entertain the boys with games. Surprising my morning was getting better by the hour. The kids were all playing well, things seemed good. Then I get a text from John on his break saying that the boss is very upset and laying people off. He texted me one of his good friends got layed off that had more years in than him and that he was scared and nervous and Waiting... Thats it I was like OMG I instantly can't think straight. I mean his shop has not been doing well at all, he does not get his full 40 hours in but unemployment is way less than that even. My Daycare money is just not cutting it right now because our electric and gas bills are so high and groceries are killing me. I'm thinking what the hell are we going to do. I start thinking of what we can get rid of first. Still not hearing back from him I really begin to panic, by this time I'm thinking the boss is talking to him thats why he can't contact me back. Finally I hear from him on his way home, still very upset he tells me that he dodged it for that day but is unsure about what next week will bring. Relieved he still had a job but still panicked about not knowing whats going to happen, it throws my whole day completely off. All day long I pace and pace, I pace so long I'm light headed. I'm thinking why the hell did I stop taking prozac my anxiety will never survive it. I get a reminder call about the vigil by now I am so happy to be having an hour with God because I have tons of things to pray about. So back to the vigil my time was from 7-8pm. I brought my own bible and a list of people and issues to pray about. I arrive and the church is very dark, they have a few lamps dimmed. It was beautiful, I relieve the lady from her hour and start mine. When I signed up I thought what in the world am I going to pray about for an entire hour. I was amazed at how fast the time flew by, an hour just was not enough time. They give you this sheet to follow if you like and I found it very helpful. Some people pray in their heads, not me I prayed out loud and talked like he was sitting right next to me. At first I have to admit it felt a bit weird but once I started I could not stop. I wont get it in the my praying or confessing of sins thats between him and I, but it was the most amazing experience I have honestly ever had besides giving birth. I probably cried the first 15 minutes letting everything out but this overwhelming sense of comfort it's just to hard to describe came over me. I was not alone, he heard me, and took all the anxiety that I had been holding in for months. I left there feeling the best I have felt in a very long time. I am ready to face whatever battle comes my way, I had to be reminded that it's all in God's hand. Pacing the floor, wasting precious time worrying will not change whatever happens in my life. I know I will still worry and obsess, thats just me but I pray that I will always remember my hour and the comfort I felt reassuring me that no matter what things happen it will always be ok.

Saturday, February 21, 2009

All different directions...

I apologize in advance this is not going to be warm fuzzy post. My mind and my heart are both running in all different directions right now and I can't seem to settle down so I thought maybe if I blogged about it maybe I could find a way of getting it all of my chest. Many of you already know that my Dad has a drinking problem, he may not be a falling down drunk every day of the week (thats only on weekends) but he does drink on a daily basis. He also smokes. My Dad found out months ago that he has heart disease. The type and all the details I have no idea he does not like to share these things with us. I also do not talk to my Dad very often at all, he works 2nd shift and never seems to be around when I am. We used to talk every day but I feel him trying to pull himself away from me. This breaks my heart, we have never been very close but in the years after me moving out we seemed to establish more of a relationship in which we have ever had before. Most of you that know my Mom know that she has her own issues with my Dad (well basically issues in her own life) as well. Without sounding mean or ungrateful I am more upset with my Mom than I ever have been. This is hard for me to even type. Don't get me wrong, I love my Mom, she is an amazing woman. She loves her grand kids more than anything, she would do anything for us girls and our husbands. She is a very giving and very generous. Except when it comes to my Dad. I really believe she may hate him. She can go days without speaking to him. They work different shifts so they don't even see each other until the weekends. She blames it on his drinking and smoking, and all the months well years of him not officially having a real job. She has so much hatred in her heart. A week or so ago my Grandma informs me in church that my Dad was not feeling well and she was very worried. He was out of his blood pressure pills and started having chest pains and became very dizzy at work. I had no idea, I had talked to my Mom every day that week and she never once mentioned it to me. So I am instantly pissed. I asked her if she knew Dad was not feeling well and she rolled her eyes and said yes she knew. I don't understand why she would not tell me during one of our conversations that week. She said well I just tell him I dont feel sorry for him because he drinks and smokes, he has done it to himself. This is the same woman that sits next to me in church every Sunday, who lectures me on having more compassion for others and gets mad at me for letting my 11 year old cross the street by himself. After all these years of marriage how can you just live with someone and not care about them. Needless to say she knew I was upset. For months now I have been dropping hints to her about what the bible say's about honoring your husband. Katie had her watch Fireproof with her and Rich. I prayed it would spark something in her. She called the next day and said she loved the movie, never once mentioned my Dad. She even recommended to a lady at work to watch but totally did not get it for herself. Day after Day I pray the same prayer, I sound like a 6 year old, "Please God let her love my Dad". Nothing, it's the same old Mom always putting him down and showing no emotion. Today she calls me after Katie had already and told me that my Dad was not feeling well, she informs me that Rich was taking his blood pressure and considering bringing him to the hospital. Glad she called I think she learned her lesson after all week of me basically being as short as possible on the phone. She had Emma for the night, so I got off the phone and told John. He thought we should stop and see for ourselves how he looked. I was instantly scared, I told him I could not see him. I called my Mom back from my parents driveway while John went to check on my Dad. ( I know what a great daughter I am) I got very upset with her and asked her if Dad goes to the hospital will she go with him. She hesitated and said well I have Emma but yah I guess. I snapped at her and said "can you please be nice to him and act like you care" she got very quiet and then had to let me go. I am so tired of being the one that they all lean on to take care of things, I feel that she needs to step up and be wife and a mother and help my Dad with some decisions. I could not bring myself to go into my Dads garage, then it would be real to me. I'm not strong enough to watch my Dad go through this. Lately in the back of my mind I have known he is not well. I get these feelings that I just push to the back of my mind. His smoking and drinking is finally catching up to him. He has yellow skin. Most people who have liver issues have his color of skin. I'm now finding out more and more of his health problems and I feel like I just want to run and hide, I can't watch another person I love go through suffering. I can't stand the thought of losing one more person. I can't hold everyone else up during it. My Mom has to step up. I can't talk to her about it because she gets mad. Maybe I should write her a letter, honestly I just don't know anymore. Oh and my Dad did not end up going to the hospital tonight, if it gets worse he assures us he will but he is making a doctors appointment on Monday. Once again sorry for such a dark post, I just have talked and cried so much to John over this I have no one else to go to other than here. I guess all I can really do for now is pray and figure out the rest later..

Friday, February 20, 2009

Things are changing...

Tyler will be 12 in September, that sounds so strange for me to say 12. I think back when I was 12, it's crazy to think that I will have a son that age pretty soon. Anyway he never had a problem with me picking out his clothes until recently. Now he insists that he wear no more dressy shirts to school. He wants sports shirts , more older boy shirts so he says. Ok so it took me by surprise , I thought boys needed their Moms for these things longer at least than girls. I really thought Mackenzie would be asking to do that before Tyler. Oh and he says no more shirts with white in it a few girls at school do not like white on him. OK now we are listening to 5th grade girls opinions over our moms. He also wants allowance each week but does want to work around the house for the money , ok so thats a good thing I guess. Then what really tugged at my heart was the other night we were shopping and he asks for an advance on his allowance so he could buy his girlfriend a bear. I guess she was upset that he did not get her anything for Valentines Day. I'm still at the part of GIRLFRIEND. I had no idea usually Ty tells me when he likes a girl but he has said nothing about this girl. I thought OMG did I not pay attention, so I asked him how long he's had a girlfriend, he said for a while , he just did not want to tell me because he thought I might talk to her at his Valentines party. Anyway I watched my 11 year old son pick out the perfect bear for his girlfriend. OMG first teddy bears, whats next flowers and jewelry? Can't I just have my little boy back? This whole letting your kids grow up is way more harder and scarier then I ever imagined.

Friday, February 13, 2009


I watch a lot of movies, and I must say there are not many that touch me and never have I watched a movie that touched me like Fireproof. John and I watched it last night after the kids went to bed and all I can say is Watch it and encourage all you friends to watch it to.. At some point in our lives I don't care how perfect we believe our marriage is , how much we love our spouse there either has or will be a point where we second guess our relationship. Whether it may be temptation, loss of romance or just drifting apart, we all have our days. This is the perfect movie to watch and to see how God really does work in our marriages and in our lives if we just let him in. I cried several times through out the movie, I wont say anymore because I do not want to ruin it for anybody but even John loved it. He said it was probably the best movie he has seen in a very long time. Without embarrassing him lets just say he was very touched. Which in turned touched my heart that something could move him like that. So if you have not already watched it, rent it for Valentines day, you won't regret it!!

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Still Here!!!

Yes I am alive, I find that I am at a stand still with blogging. I don't know if it is a side effect of lack of prozac or what I just feel like I have nothing to blog about. Speaking of lack of Prozac I am officially weaned off from it, I can't honestly tell you the last time I had any. I guess that is a good thing but honestly I hate how I feel, look, I basically hate everything. Poor John has really been taking a verbal beating from me. Every little thing that happens in my life I blame on him, I almost feel like I have split personality towards him. One minute I love him so much the next minute I am picking a fight just to have someone to yell at. For the record I really do love him all the time it's just he is the one person I feel most comfortable with to show the bitchy side of me. He has been taking it like a champ, I even called the doctor again and the nurse assured me it should not be much longer and I should feel good again, it is still in my system for 45 days after my last dose, for John that can't come soon enough. Here are some examples of my split personality, this morning I had to get up at 5:30 because I had a daycare kid that needed to come early for a few days. First off I am not a morning person, every day John has to hear the same bitch come from my mouth as I kick my legs like a 2 year old. (Hmm wonder where my girls get it) anyway he was trying to be so positive and loving and I was short and bitchy I mean I barely kissed him goodbye. So later this morning I got the kids on the bus did a few things around the house and jumped on the treadmill (which is a whole other issue I am having, I hate exercising, seriously) so I was watching the news and running and they said that they had closed the highway due to a deadly accident. It was the same way John takes to work, instantly I have a stomach ache because it dawns on me that I had not heard from him and usually everyday he texts me around 8am to see how the kids did getting up. So I assume the worse, I even go as far as imagining the police knocking on my door, so I texted him, thankfully right away he texted me back and informs me that he passed the man that was going the wrong way on the highway and flashed his lights at him to get his attention. John was getting off the exit ramp and he was getting on, John was feeling so guilty because he feels he should have done more, leave it to him to feel bad about that, all I could think of was wonder if that would have been John he hit head on, it really could have been him, moments later the man driving the truck the wrong way down the highway hit another vechicle head on and sent the other person to the hospital and the driver died. That seriously could have been my husband. John drives this small car to work every day, the thought did not leave my mind the entire day. All day I texted him telling him how much I loved him, I don't know what I would do without him, all day I praised God for keeping my husband safe this morning. Now here comes my other personality I go to the older kids parties this afternoon and bring Hailey we are all on our way home and John calls and the kids are fighting, Tyler had forgotten to buckle Hailey in her seat so I am yelling at them and John says I'm going to let you go, you are giving me a headache, just then I'm instantly pissed all the oh I am so happy your ok feelings just leave me and I hang up on him. John being the great guy he is never once says anything to me about hanging up on him when he arrived home, before this would have started a fight but he knows I'm just not myself so he comes in gives me a kiss and once again everything is fine. This poor guy has been living like this for weeks now. I don't know how I got so lucky to find someone as wonderful as him, but I do know that I need to be thanking God alittle more each day for bringing him into my life. So John if you are reading this, please know that I really do love you (for this moment anyway) just teasing, seriously though you are always telling me how lucky you are to have me, I am the lucky one. I could have not gone through any of the things we have gone through in the past few years without you by my side. Thank you for always trying to understand me even when I am at my worst. I really could not ask for a better husband and best friend.