Thursday, September 10, 2009

This is what Middle School looks like!

Its official I have a son in Jr High, a very handsome one at that. I picked him to blog about today because this boy amazes me with each new day. He looks so much like his father and obviously inherited his sports skills from him but he is so me when it comes to his heart. Well I cant really say all me when it comes to his heart because he did break up with his girlfriend via text which for the record I thought was a very jerky thing to do but granted he is only 11 years old. Anyway John and I have always spoiled this kid rotten, maybe because he was our first and he is a boy I have no idea but the kid is one lucky guy. We would often ask each other if maybe we have made things to easy for him, given him to much stuff, we famously say the line "when we were kids, we never got that" As parents I don't think you really know until they are older how well you have done instilling values in them. Lately I have been starting to see that he actually gets things. He feels sympathy and empathy which so many adult men often lack. We had to pick up a football friend that needed a ride last night. This boy looks like he has had a hard life, and may still be having a tough time, his neighbor hood is a bit rough and his parents are divorced, I wish I knew the whole story but I don't. Well we dropped him off to an empty house at 7:30 last night, he had a house key and we think his Mom was working, Tyler was a bit interested in why he was going home to be alone. Not knowing the true reason I said maybe it's because they don't have anyone else to take care of him at night, its probably their only option. After a bit of discussion we dropped it and this morning Tyler was getting ready and he mentioned to me about his friend, how much it bothered him. He said Mom I am so thankful that I have you and Dad and that he appreciates all that we do for him, and that he feels lucky. I wanted to cry, I feel like he does get it. After I had kids and the older I get the more I want them to know that life is not always fair, good people can be poor people, just because someone has a big beautiful home does not make them worth more that someone that lives in a shack. We all do it at some point in our lives we judge, I do, If I had my pick of a dirty kid and a clean kid to hug, I would pick the clean one. Which when you think about it, is not right or fair. Every kid deserves that hug. I work so hard at trying to get my kids to fit in, I sometimes forget the moral of the story. Its not about what you have its about who you are. The same can be applied to my life, friendships should not be about who you are or what your status is, it should be about who we really are deep inside, and having sympathy and empathy for one another. Its about being honest and not being afraid to show your own weaknesses. If you do have a friend like that consider yourself very lucky because they are very hard to come by. Tyler just started 6th grade, he has a long road ahead of him, many people will try and will crush his spirit, I just hope he always has the guts to be who he really is. I watch him with some of his friends that are not his football friends, he trys so hard to help them fit in. He really is a very nice boy with a great big kind heart, I just pray that he stays that way.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

I'm Back

So I realize that I have pretty much abandoned my blog this summer. But hopefully now that fall is approaching fast I can jump back on the blogging wagon. Summer has been so busy. I'm looking forward to hopefully slowing things down a bit (if thats even possible). Life has been feeling so crazy with school starting. I find myself waking up in the middle of the night unable to fall back asleep, worried about all the new changes. Tyler is starting middle school, Mackenzie is starting at Ealy and Hailey will be going to school all day at shoreline. This is nuts, I have no more babies at home. It does not feel right to me. Not to mention the looming heart issue with Mackenzie, some days I want to explode carrying the weight of all these worries. Ultimately I know things will work out, the kids will adjust to school, I'll adjust to them being gone during the day, and Mackenzie the most important obstacle right now will get taken care of. I can honestly say that when you think theres a possibilty of something being wrong with one of your kids it really puts life into perspective for you. I did nothing but cry for the first 3 days after Kenzies EKG coming back abnormal, I remember thinking life was so good, and now I'm worried about my girl having a heart condition. It was all I thought about, it has made me more patient, and more eager to express all my love to each of my children. I pray every day that she will be ok, and I know that ultimately it's all in God's hands. Some days are easier than others but on the flip side she is doing much better, her heart palpitations are not nearly as bad as they were, so in the mean time, we wait until the 24th, and pray for good news. So here's to my hopeful comeback to bloggerland..

Friday, August 14, 2009

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Memorial Day Weekend...

Summer is fast approaching FINALLY!!! We went camping at Poncho's Pond in Ludington over the weekend. This had been a long anticipated camping trip for the kids we started planning it when we got back from birch run in April ( we have to have something to look forward too.) Everyday for the past 2 weeks Hailey would ask are we going camping tomorrow, so needless to say they were very excited.. We wanted to try somewhere new and a little further away from home. A friend of ours had recommended poncho's. Beautiful park, we loved it. We reserved an extra night so that we could haul it Thursday night when there was less traffic and that way we could have it all set up so that when we got there Friday afternoon we could enjoy it. When we left Thursday night it was very warm and sunny here the further north we got it got cloudier and the temp was dropping, we were thinking great just our luck. By the time we had arrived the temp dropped 10 degrees. We get things all set up and took the kids to the indoor pool. We returned home and came back the following afternoon to perfect weather, sunny skies and very warm temps. In fact the kids were able to swim every afternoon in the outdoor pool for at least 2 hours, they had a blast. I would have to say that this was by far the best camping trip we we have had in a long time. Not because of the campground I mean we have fun when we camp at Silver Creek and Yogi but because it was the easiest with the kids, we were able to sit and relax without chasing kids, no crying fits, it was wonderful. Tyler had some friends that were camping there so he was out having a good time with them a lot of the time. He even slept over with them for a night. So we really got to concentrate on the girls which they loved. John took us on a 2 hour hike at the state park on Sunday morning which was fun but a lot of work. We did not realize all the hills that were involved. Poor John had to carry Hailey on a good portion of those hills. One of my favorite parts of the weekend was the camp fires. My girls fell asleep on each of us each night and John and I would sit and talk, something that we rarely get to do anymore with sports and with all the people in and out of my house every day with Daycare. It was so nice!! So here's to the start of warmer weather, sunny skies and making more memories with family!!

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Relay for Life 2009

Last weekend was the relay for life, Happy to announce that our team (Team Gavin) came in 3rd over all. I think our team raised over $5000, and total for the relay was over 50,000 which is amazing considering how the economy is right now. My kids and I put in about 5 miles that night. Which was not that bad considering how windy and cold the weather was. What a crappy Saturday for relay to fall on. We were literally outside all day and all evening. We were up early to make it to Isaac and Allisons soccer game, I had found out the night before that Kendall, Ryleigh and Aiden all played at the same time as the other two so I thought this will be perfect I catch a bit of each of their games all in the same day. After that we went to relay praying for the sun to pop out and possibly warm things up a bit, no such luck. My kids and John included could not not take the bitter cold, so we did a few laps and left for lunch and John and Ty went to baseball practice and the kids and I headed to Jr's birthday party which was also outside. By now I am just numb, the kids were fine because they were running around playing. After that back to relay we went, thankfully the wind finally calmed down later in the evening and once we started walking that helped us stay warm. Miss Hailey I was so proud of, she walked the whole time, I had Alex in the stroller so she had no choice but to walk and she did not complain once. She was the smart one, when we came back she wore her winter coat and hat. We did not make it to hear the reading of the names which disappointed me a bit but we were cold and tired. Kudos for all those who made it the entire night, it's a tough thing to do. Also to Mashawn for being the absolute strongest woman I know. Everyday I wonder how she does it, she has been through so much with Gavins illness and death and yet she still manages to roll out of bed everyday and often gives me comfort with all her stories about Gavin. I have always known that these kids with cancer are very special and God gives them special Moms to be there and care for them and Mashawn is no exception. The sacrifices she has made and the person she has become just inspires me every day that I see her. God brought them into my life and for that I will always be grateful and thankful and I am a better person for it.. Also thank you to those of you who donated money on my behalf, every bit counts!

Monday, May 18, 2009

what to do, what to do....

I had a meeting with Hailey's teacher and speech teacher and one of her teachers for next year this morning. It had been decided earlier in the school year that Hailey would attend morning kindergarten and the pals program in the afternoon. For those of you who don't know Hailey attends ECSE 4 half days a week, mainly for her speech, Tyler also had to take this class for his speech at 4 years old. It is a really great program for kids with special needs. Not that is a SLOW class let me clarify some kids need help with speech while others need help with fine motor skills and so on, I don't like to label kids. I remember putting Tyler in the class and one of my good friends said to me "but look at who he is with do you really want him in a class with kids like that". Hmm I did not quite know what to say to that, especially being a friend in all. I felt like gee's I hope not everyone perceives the classes like that. So from that point on I have always been a bit sensitive to responses I may get for those who care to voice their opinion. Anyway it helped Tyler with his speech and get a head start of the whole school transition. So when Hailey was struggling with speech I got her tested and welcomed the idea of her attending. The first half the school year she spoke to no one not even her teacher which surprised me she because she is the most talkative child I have. Well around February she finally started opening up a bit. Well because of her age and her progress her teacher decided that kindergarten was best and Pals in the afternoon, pals is a smaller group of kids that work on everything, speech,and everything you learn in kindergarten so it would be just more added help. Because of her speech difficulty she struggles with explaining herself or telling a story, pals will aim at her struggling areas and give her the extra help she needs. Well at kindergarten round up she was tested by the young fives teacher. The results are in, she spoke hardly nothing to her, and what she did speak she was very soft with her words. She did not answer questions that she knew the answers to because her teacher had gone over them with her. So based on the young fives teachers findings she recommends young fives which I am totally fine with my other two attended young fives because of their ages but Hailey just turned 5 which means she will always be the older one in her class, which in all honesty does not bother me but my fear is someday it may bother her. After talking with John he agrees with the teachers Hailey could use the extra time and help before kindergarten, I mean we would hate to see her struggle later in life and have to be held back or something in the future. I swear this is one of the harder things in raising kids, the regrets we may face later on for the choices we make now. My mind is trying to think logically but my heart often over takes my logic thinking. She's my baby so the whole school thing is such a struggle anyway. One teacher tells me that based on her findings she is totally ready for kindergarten and then the young 5's teacher tells me she is not. The decision is mine. I have great respect for each of these teachers, but ultimately its my daughter. I do not want her to struggle, I am sure I am going to go with young fives because Miss Claus has never steered me wrong before but I just need a bit of time to be sure.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Happy 5th Birthday Hailey

Friday, May 8, 2009

Early Mothers Day card

So I received a very special Mother's Day card today from Miss Alli. This one is definitely a keeper, something that I am going to tuck away and show her someday later in life. I can't tell you how many pictures this girl has made me over the years, I think I have received as much stuff from her as I do from my own kids. She loves to draw and she is really good at it. I love how she sounded out my name. Also the three girls at the bottom are as follows: Mackenzie, Alli and Me, Too stinkin cute, So thank you Alli, you have no idea how much wonderful that made me feel after the week I have had. Also not to leave Isaac and Ash out they also gave me a very nice card and signed their names to it, Thank you TenBrink family for thinking of me as a second Mom. Love you all!!

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Oh how the years go by

Last weekend we took the kids summer shopping at Birch Run for the weekend. My kids always look forward to the staying in the hotel part of the trip more than the shopping part. I love the saving money part and getting away from housework for the weekend. It was probably our best shopping trip yet. Tyler even enjoyed the shopping part since he is all about picking out his clothes now, I learned never to send him shopping alone with his Dad though, they came back with 15 shirts and 2 pairs of shorts. We were remembering our first trip to Birch run, Tyler was maybe 2 years old and we had gone with my Mom and sister, Tyler was a very slow talker so he did not say many words and he said the word "eat" on that trip, you would have thought we won the lotto hearing him say that simple little word. Now many simple words later here we were shopping with our 11 year old. Time sure fly's. Its hard for me to sometimes think about just how big they all are now. My Baby will be 5 in May. That seems crazy to me, she will go to morning kindergarten next school year and the PALS program in the afternoon, that means she will be at school all day long. That has been very hard to swallow being my last baby. And Mackenzie aka big mama will be at Ealy in the fall. That means I will have a kid at each school all of them going all day long. How crazy does that seem? It feels as if I am losing a piece of me slowly with each new day. John and I have really been talking about how old they are getting but it often ends with both of us getting choked up with the thought of them not needing their Mom and Dad so much anymore. Its weird because when they are small you can't wait for all their firsts. Then you maybe add one or two more kids to the mix and you the world as you know it is turned upside down with crying fits, diapers, strollers everywhere you go you create a scene and you wish for the day where they can take care of themselves and you can sleep a full night without being awaken by a little one crawling into bed with you. Now that we have finally reached that point I cant help but feel a bit sad. Mackenzie's little mini mouse voice that she used to have at 3 years old, its gone and I can never get that back. Although I am looking forward to easier vacations, spending more quality time with each now that they are older a part of me wishes I could freeze time and have them stay just as they are now. Twelve years ago being pregnant with Tyler I never could have imagined being so in love with 3 totally different kids that call me Mom. God has sure blessed me...

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Remembering Todd

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

A Bit Calmer these Days.

These past couple weeks have been crazy busy for me. We have had tons of Birthday parties to attend, Tyler wrapped up basketball season and tomorrow baseball season officially starts. I have to admitt, I love watching baseball way more than basketball. Many of you who talk to me on a daily basis know that I have been struggling again with my OCD. Well the obsessive part. I went to the soctor last week and was checked from head to toe with a magnifying glass and bright light in search of any signs of skin cancer. I had a weird looking mole on my breast that had gotton larger over the past few months. He first checked that and said that was 100% not cancer. Then he excamined the rest of my body, I have had this mole right under my collar bone since I can remember, he mentioned to me that we will watch that one because it was alittle red but nothing to be concerned with. So he ordered me some blood work for my own peace of mind and sent me home. Days leading to that appointment were awful for me. I could not get cancer out of my mind. I was obsessed with it. Once again I pushed John almost to his breaking point. The "Normal person" thinks about these things and are worried but ME I take them to a whole new level, I imagine every possible outcome most of them being bad. I obsess over how my kids would ever handle anything ever happening to me. In fact that morning in the doctors office while waiting a had a massive panic attack and my pulse was still elevated by the time I got examined. Leaving the doctors office that day I did feel much better, the doctor and I discussed ways to help with all the anxiety and obsessiveness, I was very glad to hear that he did not want me to go back on the drugs yet. He believes that I can do this, I just have to find my own way of dealing with it. Today I went back to get the one on my breast removed, I mentioned to him that maybe we should just remove the one that I have to watch, he said that was probably a good idea because then I would not obsess over it. He then tells me that he neeeds to send that one in because of the redness and he can't say 100% that its nothing, of course my heart starts pounding he could see it in my eyes. He said I am 99% sure its nothing Im just doing it because we want to be sure. after leaving the doctors office very sore of course but I called John and of course I am all choked up telling him that I was nervous. He in turn said in his asshole way of thinking like a man, Oh My Gosh you are not starting this again. You are fine. I hang up run to Meijer and get some bandages still nervous about cancer and really pissed at my caring husband on the verge of tears. Walking into Meijer praying in my head, please God let me remain calm and not freak out, let me have the ability to handle my lifes issues like I do with everyones else who shares their problems with me. I get my stuff get out to my truck and get a very calm warming feeling. Suddenly my chest stops hurting, I no longer feel like crying, and John calls to say that he's sorry and he's sure I am alright. The Shelly from 2 weeks ago may have lost it, but I feel different this time. Am I still worried? Sure I mean who would not be, am I confident that its not going to come back skin cancer no, not really but I know that whats meant to be will be. I am doing everything I can to stay on top of things and thats really all I can do. Freaking out is not going to change the results. Sometimes I need a little reminder of what a strong woman I actually am. I think the thing that frustrated me the most is my ability to help others with their issues but I sometimes can't take my own advise. I also have to learn to be more patient, I am always looking for a quick fix, I want to know everything now, I hate waiting.. I go back in a week to get my stitches removed and to get the results back. All I can do know is pray and wait and go on living my life. Lets just keep are fingers crossed I can :)

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Giving Directions

Monday, March 23, 2009

Happy 1st Birthday Alex

My nephew Alex turned 1 yesterday, I can't believe it! He is so big. We are so blessed to be a part of this special lil guys life. Happy Birthday Alex, Auntie loves you!!

Feeling a bit crazy!

These last few weeks for me have been a bit rough, I have felt overwhelmed with guilt, worry, you name it I'm sure I have felt it. So the whole getting off prozac thing is done. (Thank God for that) So what the heck is wrong with me. The sun is shinning I should be happy right? No, now I am remembering why I started taking the stuff to begin with. Everyone knows that Johns job is not doing well, I'm sick of thinking, worrying about it, I pray daily about it, I feel like it has consumed my life for the past month. Like I have said before it's easy to tell someone not to worry when it's not starring you in the face. I mean a million things go through my mind in a day. How will we pay our bills, I feel like I took for granted so many things, John used to get unlimited amount of over time, if he wanted it, he took it. I complained about all the extra hours and the 3rd shift, but we were always able to spoil our kids and do the things we wanted. I'm going to sound selfish for a bit but it's just been really bothering me. John and have always been able to take a vacation of some sort once a year. We have been blessed we have taken the kids to Disney 4 times, Vegas, Mall of America, Texas plus a ton of weekend getaways. Why did I take that for granted for so long. I wish I could go back and savor those moments with my family instead of obsessing about every lil thing. When I am feeling sorry for myself I remind myself that God gives and takes away, I need to still count my blessing each day and I try very hard too. In the middle of all my worrying I have been looking into going back to school. I looked into online schools which are very expensive but would work out perfect for me with my schedule but I don't qualify for much financial aid, I have researched every aspect about going back to school. I not only have the worry of John losing his job but I also have the worry about losing day care kids because of their parents losing their jobs, not to mention I have a bunch of kids going to school full days next years, which means I lose money. I have not really had to worry about that because I charge the same until they go to school full days. I figure that if I have to feed them lunch and hold a spot for them it has to be worth my time. Now I have four kids that will be going all day so I have to come up with a new price thats good for the parents and that will still make it worth my while to keep their spot for summer. I have been talking with another Daycare provider on facebook who has been so helpful with these issues. See how my days are filled with anxiety and worry, I guess if Johns work was doing good this daycare stuff would not matter as much, so I feel torn, do I look for more kids, try to do the online school thing or try to find a job in this shitty economy? So on top of all that it would not be like me if I could not possibly find something else to obsess about. On Saturday I start feeling anxious about my health, I start thinking wonder if I get cancer , wonder if i'm dying and I don't even know it? These are the exact things I used to obsess about before prozac. I have no symptoms, nothing really going on with my health, other than gaining unwanted weight I feel fine. I had myself so worked up last night that I have taken my health for granted, feeling guilty thinking I could be such a better mother and wife, I totally have myself convinced that something is wrong with me. John say's he knows whats wrong with me he say's I'm just CRAZY. So anyway long story short I made myself a doctors appointment. Honestly to be a fly on my wall somedays around here.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

My Hailey

Hailey decided that she needs to get rid of that tummy and tighten those abs, no really she just watches her Mommy way to much , except I don't roll my pants up and wear tights under my jeans. Yes she can be a bit crazy. Imagine my surprise one day when she stepped off the school bus with her pants rolled up like that. I asked her if her teacher did that because she is in a growth transition her pants are either to long or to short , so I thought maybe her teacher had done it so she was not stepping on them. "Nope Mommy I did all by myself" Wonderful I thought , Now thats style!!! I'm not holding out a future in fashion for her!

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Thanks Lisa for this video!

Thanks to everyone that left me comments and for your beautiful emails. It shows me just how much I am really blessed to have each of you.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

This caught my attention and got me thinking!!

Today on the noon news they were talking about the soldiers from Muskegon returning to Iraq I just caught a glimpse of it while waiting on the kids at lunch time. I did not see this actual picture which I copied from Mlive but the video they played was of a young man holding his baby son so close with tears streaming down his face. It touched me so... I can't imagine having to leave my loved ones especially my children not really knowing what my future holds. It brings me back to Todd of course and the day he had to leave 2 week old Emma, I can't even begin to imagine what that must have felt like for him. It's hard to believe that we are almost at that 2 year point of his death. So much has happened, Stephanie has a serious boyfriend whom she loves very much. But still has a very big hole in her heart that no one will ever be able to fill. About a month ago she shared a story with me. She said every night Emma kisses a picture of her Daddy and tells him goodnight, well one night after kissing his picture she asked Steph if she could see her Daddy, Steph replied with, you can't because Daddy is in Heaven which Emma already knows, Steph has always made it a point to tell her where he is but this time she wanted to go to heaven and see him. Steph said she was very upset and once again Steph explained Daddy had to go to Heaven and we can't see him but he is always with us.. What else can you say to a 2 year old. It broke Stephs heart to hear this come out of her mouth, it broke mine just imagining it. Shortly after this my sister had a bit of a breakdown she felt sad and did not know how she was ever going to be able to move forward with anything. Having this break down in the night she wrote a letter to God, imagine my surprise when I open an email to God from Steph. All I can say without revealing her private intimate thoughts is that it touched me so much. It reminded me of the saying "you can't judge a book by it's cover" on the outside she seemed fine, loves her boyfriend and is very happy with him, but on the inside she still has so much to over come. The world may have moved on but she has not. I either see or talk to my sister every day and I really had no idea how she had been feeling. We talk about Todd often but we just don't talk about her feelings as much as we used to. I feel like I dont want to dredge up more heartache for her. That day we talked in person for a very long time of all places out in her car , I had kids but John happened to be home from work so he stayed inside so we could talk. We talked, cried and prayed, I can honestly say that it was probably one of the best talks we have ever had. Just because she appeared to be doing fine and moving on does not mean deep down she really was. So being the thinker I am, I started thinking about all the books I judge by their cover not really knowing whats inside of each person. Someone may seem to have the perfect life but we would never know because we really don't take the time to look and listen. Someone loses a loved one and we think how tragic or sad , someone else loses job and we think oh how terrible, but do we really understand and have empathy. For myself I have always had a certain amount of compassion for others , I want to help and make a difference but even with that being said I really don't think we realize how others feel until it is starring us straight in the face. Death had never affected me so much until we lost Todd , seeing soldiers on TV never moved me so much until I had to say good bye to one,hearing about people losing their jobs had never really hit home until that possibility came knocking at my door. For those who are struggling with anything in their lives I pray that you have that one person, maybe two that you can go to and be yourself. Besides God anyway sometimes we need to just show our real feelings to someone. I have been very blessed that I have that type of relationships with a few people. I thank God every day for bringing certain people into my life that have given me comfort and compassion and words of advise, and for me being able to help give them the same right back. Can you imagine if everybody was not so quick to judge others by their appearance or where they come from how many different relationships and friendships we could have, how much we could learn from one another. The world would be a much happier place.. To all my friends that are in my life , Thank You and for those of you who read my blog and do not leave me comments but write me emails thank you! Each and every one of you have touched my life in some way and it is my hope that I have yours. One last thing for my husband , I have been doing a lot of praying for John and his job and I came across something that somehow gave me comfort.


Monday, March 2, 2009

Dinner with the Carnes kids

Saturday, February 28, 2009

My First Prayer Vigil

A couple of weeks ago I signed up for a 24 hour prayer vigil at church. Each person that signs up gets his or her own hour of choice to be with God. I was very excited when I signed up for it but as time went on and the more my schedule started to fill in I found myself saying "if only I did not have that prayer vigil I could have time for something else". So by Thursday night I'm wishing I had never signed up for it because life was just feeling overwhelming and I felt like with each day of the week I was falling more behind on things. Then Friday comes. John and I were up at 3:30 in the morning I woke up first then he woke up, he thought well as long as he is up he might as well go to work so that he could be out early on a Friday. Well me and my awful self did not like that idea, I knew if he got up and got ready that would be the longer I was awake and the harder it would be for me to go back to sleep. So what do I do? I start a fight, yup my evil side emerges. All of a sudden I am just mad, he storms out and I can't go back to sleep, I'm laying there telling myself, "I am not going to call him" well guess what I called him, not to apologize over such a stupid fight I picked but to bitch some more. Now I am in tears and he's just pissed.. He lets me go once he gets to work basically still fighting and telling me that I am just flat out crazy, well of course that does not sit well with me so I text him a very long text, anyway stupid story short we kinda make up, but I never go back to sleep, I finally get tired 15 minutes before I have to get up for the day. Getting ready for the day my phone rings, its Jamie she tells me that school is cancelled. I wont even type my choice words that came out of my mouth. Of all days to have a full house it has to fall on a Friday especially that Friday when I was already starting my day off all wrong with being up so early. Since it fell on a Friday I would have two extra boys that usually I only have after school for like an hour on Fridays. I am a total planner on the days I know I will have a few extra kids I like to have things planned out for how my day is going to go. When you watch kids you have to have a schedule or things will be even more crazy. So at this point I am thinking thank God John is coming home early he can entertain the boys with games. Surprising my morning was getting better by the hour. The kids were all playing well, things seemed good. Then I get a text from John on his break saying that the boss is very upset and laying people off. He texted me one of his good friends got layed off that had more years in than him and that he was scared and nervous and Waiting... Thats it I was like OMG I instantly can't think straight. I mean his shop has not been doing well at all, he does not get his full 40 hours in but unemployment is way less than that even. My Daycare money is just not cutting it right now because our electric and gas bills are so high and groceries are killing me. I'm thinking what the hell are we going to do. I start thinking of what we can get rid of first. Still not hearing back from him I really begin to panic, by this time I'm thinking the boss is talking to him thats why he can't contact me back. Finally I hear from him on his way home, still very upset he tells me that he dodged it for that day but is unsure about what next week will bring. Relieved he still had a job but still panicked about not knowing whats going to happen, it throws my whole day completely off. All day long I pace and pace, I pace so long I'm light headed. I'm thinking why the hell did I stop taking prozac my anxiety will never survive it. I get a reminder call about the vigil by now I am so happy to be having an hour with God because I have tons of things to pray about. So back to the vigil my time was from 7-8pm. I brought my own bible and a list of people and issues to pray about. I arrive and the church is very dark, they have a few lamps dimmed. It was beautiful, I relieve the lady from her hour and start mine. When I signed up I thought what in the world am I going to pray about for an entire hour. I was amazed at how fast the time flew by, an hour just was not enough time. They give you this sheet to follow if you like and I found it very helpful. Some people pray in their heads, not me I prayed out loud and talked like he was sitting right next to me. At first I have to admit it felt a bit weird but once I started I could not stop. I wont get it in the my praying or confessing of sins thats between him and I, but it was the most amazing experience I have honestly ever had besides giving birth. I probably cried the first 15 minutes letting everything out but this overwhelming sense of comfort it's just to hard to describe came over me. I was not alone, he heard me, and took all the anxiety that I had been holding in for months. I left there feeling the best I have felt in a very long time. I am ready to face whatever battle comes my way, I had to be reminded that it's all in God's hand. Pacing the floor, wasting precious time worrying will not change whatever happens in my life. I know I will still worry and obsess, thats just me but I pray that I will always remember my hour and the comfort I felt reassuring me that no matter what things happen it will always be ok.

Saturday, February 21, 2009

All different directions...

I apologize in advance this is not going to be warm fuzzy post. My mind and my heart are both running in all different directions right now and I can't seem to settle down so I thought maybe if I blogged about it maybe I could find a way of getting it all of my chest. Many of you already know that my Dad has a drinking problem, he may not be a falling down drunk every day of the week (thats only on weekends) but he does drink on a daily basis. He also smokes. My Dad found out months ago that he has heart disease. The type and all the details I have no idea he does not like to share these things with us. I also do not talk to my Dad very often at all, he works 2nd shift and never seems to be around when I am. We used to talk every day but I feel him trying to pull himself away from me. This breaks my heart, we have never been very close but in the years after me moving out we seemed to establish more of a relationship in which we have ever had before. Most of you that know my Mom know that she has her own issues with my Dad (well basically issues in her own life) as well. Without sounding mean or ungrateful I am more upset with my Mom than I ever have been. This is hard for me to even type. Don't get me wrong, I love my Mom, she is an amazing woman. She loves her grand kids more than anything, she would do anything for us girls and our husbands. She is a very giving and very generous. Except when it comes to my Dad. I really believe she may hate him. She can go days without speaking to him. They work different shifts so they don't even see each other until the weekends. She blames it on his drinking and smoking, and all the months well years of him not officially having a real job. She has so much hatred in her heart. A week or so ago my Grandma informs me in church that my Dad was not feeling well and she was very worried. He was out of his blood pressure pills and started having chest pains and became very dizzy at work. I had no idea, I had talked to my Mom every day that week and she never once mentioned it to me. So I am instantly pissed. I asked her if she knew Dad was not feeling well and she rolled her eyes and said yes she knew. I don't understand why she would not tell me during one of our conversations that week. She said well I just tell him I dont feel sorry for him because he drinks and smokes, he has done it to himself. This is the same woman that sits next to me in church every Sunday, who lectures me on having more compassion for others and gets mad at me for letting my 11 year old cross the street by himself. After all these years of marriage how can you just live with someone and not care about them. Needless to say she knew I was upset. For months now I have been dropping hints to her about what the bible say's about honoring your husband. Katie had her watch Fireproof with her and Rich. I prayed it would spark something in her. She called the next day and said she loved the movie, never once mentioned my Dad. She even recommended to a lady at work to watch but totally did not get it for herself. Day after Day I pray the same prayer, I sound like a 6 year old, "Please God let her love my Dad". Nothing, it's the same old Mom always putting him down and showing no emotion. Today she calls me after Katie had already and told me that my Dad was not feeling well, she informs me that Rich was taking his blood pressure and considering bringing him to the hospital. Glad she called I think she learned her lesson after all week of me basically being as short as possible on the phone. She had Emma for the night, so I got off the phone and told John. He thought we should stop and see for ourselves how he looked. I was instantly scared, I told him I could not see him. I called my Mom back from my parents driveway while John went to check on my Dad. ( I know what a great daughter I am) I got very upset with her and asked her if Dad goes to the hospital will she go with him. She hesitated and said well I have Emma but yah I guess. I snapped at her and said "can you please be nice to him and act like you care" she got very quiet and then had to let me go. I am so tired of being the one that they all lean on to take care of things, I feel that she needs to step up and be wife and a mother and help my Dad with some decisions. I could not bring myself to go into my Dads garage, then it would be real to me. I'm not strong enough to watch my Dad go through this. Lately in the back of my mind I have known he is not well. I get these feelings that I just push to the back of my mind. His smoking and drinking is finally catching up to him. He has yellow skin. Most people who have liver issues have his color of skin. I'm now finding out more and more of his health problems and I feel like I just want to run and hide, I can't watch another person I love go through suffering. I can't stand the thought of losing one more person. I can't hold everyone else up during it. My Mom has to step up. I can't talk to her about it because she gets mad. Maybe I should write her a letter, honestly I just don't know anymore. Oh and my Dad did not end up going to the hospital tonight, if it gets worse he assures us he will but he is making a doctors appointment on Monday. Once again sorry for such a dark post, I just have talked and cried so much to John over this I have no one else to go to other than here. I guess all I can really do for now is pray and figure out the rest later..

Friday, February 20, 2009

Things are changing...

Tyler will be 12 in September, that sounds so strange for me to say 12. I think back when I was 12, it's crazy to think that I will have a son that age pretty soon. Anyway he never had a problem with me picking out his clothes until recently. Now he insists that he wear no more dressy shirts to school. He wants sports shirts , more older boy shirts so he says. Ok so it took me by surprise , I thought boys needed their Moms for these things longer at least than girls. I really thought Mackenzie would be asking to do that before Tyler. Oh and he says no more shirts with white in it a few girls at school do not like white on him. OK now we are listening to 5th grade girls opinions over our moms. He also wants allowance each week but does want to work around the house for the money , ok so thats a good thing I guess. Then what really tugged at my heart was the other night we were shopping and he asks for an advance on his allowance so he could buy his girlfriend a bear. I guess she was upset that he did not get her anything for Valentines Day. I'm still at the part of GIRLFRIEND. I had no idea usually Ty tells me when he likes a girl but he has said nothing about this girl. I thought OMG did I not pay attention, so I asked him how long he's had a girlfriend, he said for a while , he just did not want to tell me because he thought I might talk to her at his Valentines party. Anyway I watched my 11 year old son pick out the perfect bear for his girlfriend. OMG first teddy bears, whats next flowers and jewelry? Can't I just have my little boy back? This whole letting your kids grow up is way more harder and scarier then I ever imagined.

Friday, February 13, 2009


I watch a lot of movies, and I must say there are not many that touch me and never have I watched a movie that touched me like Fireproof. John and I watched it last night after the kids went to bed and all I can say is Watch it and encourage all you friends to watch it to.. At some point in our lives I don't care how perfect we believe our marriage is , how much we love our spouse there either has or will be a point where we second guess our relationship. Whether it may be temptation, loss of romance or just drifting apart, we all have our days. This is the perfect movie to watch and to see how God really does work in our marriages and in our lives if we just let him in. I cried several times through out the movie, I wont say anymore because I do not want to ruin it for anybody but even John loved it. He said it was probably the best movie he has seen in a very long time. Without embarrassing him lets just say he was very touched. Which in turned touched my heart that something could move him like that. So if you have not already watched it, rent it for Valentines day, you won't regret it!!

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Still Here!!!

Yes I am alive, I find that I am at a stand still with blogging. I don't know if it is a side effect of lack of prozac or what I just feel like I have nothing to blog about. Speaking of lack of Prozac I am officially weaned off from it, I can't honestly tell you the last time I had any. I guess that is a good thing but honestly I hate how I feel, look, I basically hate everything. Poor John has really been taking a verbal beating from me. Every little thing that happens in my life I blame on him, I almost feel like I have split personality towards him. One minute I love him so much the next minute I am picking a fight just to have someone to yell at. For the record I really do love him all the time it's just he is the one person I feel most comfortable with to show the bitchy side of me. He has been taking it like a champ, I even called the doctor again and the nurse assured me it should not be much longer and I should feel good again, it is still in my system for 45 days after my last dose, for John that can't come soon enough. Here are some examples of my split personality, this morning I had to get up at 5:30 because I had a daycare kid that needed to come early for a few days. First off I am not a morning person, every day John has to hear the same bitch come from my mouth as I kick my legs like a 2 year old. (Hmm wonder where my girls get it) anyway he was trying to be so positive and loving and I was short and bitchy I mean I barely kissed him goodbye. So later this morning I got the kids on the bus did a few things around the house and jumped on the treadmill (which is a whole other issue I am having, I hate exercising, seriously) so I was watching the news and running and they said that they had closed the highway due to a deadly accident. It was the same way John takes to work, instantly I have a stomach ache because it dawns on me that I had not heard from him and usually everyday he texts me around 8am to see how the kids did getting up. So I assume the worse, I even go as far as imagining the police knocking on my door, so I texted him, thankfully right away he texted me back and informs me that he passed the man that was going the wrong way on the highway and flashed his lights at him to get his attention. John was getting off the exit ramp and he was getting on, John was feeling so guilty because he feels he should have done more, leave it to him to feel bad about that, all I could think of was wonder if that would have been John he hit head on, it really could have been him, moments later the man driving the truck the wrong way down the highway hit another vechicle head on and sent the other person to the hospital and the driver died. That seriously could have been my husband. John drives this small car to work every day, the thought did not leave my mind the entire day. All day I texted him telling him how much I loved him, I don't know what I would do without him, all day I praised God for keeping my husband safe this morning. Now here comes my other personality I go to the older kids parties this afternoon and bring Hailey we are all on our way home and John calls and the kids are fighting, Tyler had forgotten to buckle Hailey in her seat so I am yelling at them and John says I'm going to let you go, you are giving me a headache, just then I'm instantly pissed all the oh I am so happy your ok feelings just leave me and I hang up on him. John being the great guy he is never once says anything to me about hanging up on him when he arrived home, before this would have started a fight but he knows I'm just not myself so he comes in gives me a kiss and once again everything is fine. This poor guy has been living like this for weeks now. I don't know how I got so lucky to find someone as wonderful as him, but I do know that I need to be thanking God alittle more each day for bringing him into my life. So John if you are reading this, please know that I really do love you (for this moment anyway) just teasing, seriously though you are always telling me how lucky you are to have me, I am the lucky one. I could have not gone through any of the things we have gone through in the past few years without you by my side. Thank you for always trying to understand me even when I am at my worst. I really could not ask for a better husband and best friend.

Friday, January 30, 2009

Uncle Obama

Monday, January 19, 2009

Back to blogging

I guess it has been a while since my last post, no good reason really just have not felt like blogging. It kinda feels like 2009 is not starting out so great for some. More jobs lost, more in danger of losing them, Tom's aunt Marcia losing her battle to cancer. Caleb's cancer seems to be defeating him. Seriously I have so many others in my prayers each day I am having such a hard time keeping track. I just seen Jennie's post with a picture of her beautiful mother that she lost many years ago. I'm thinking of Tom's aunt's children that she leaves behind. Lea told me today that his aunt was just not ready to go, she still had so much to do. It gave me goose bumps, honestly how do you say good bye to your children. My 2 worse fears, losing a child or leaving them behind. At times like this we must trust in our faith and know that God has a plan for each of us. Enjoy each day that God gives us and appreciate life to the fullest. Ok enough enough of my daily preachings. Most everyone knows that I suffer with anxiety and OCD. I know most everyone can have a bit of OCD in them at times, but mine really can get extreme. Many years ago I took paxil which made me feel like shit and after I stopped taking them I had the worst withdrawls from them I swore never again will I take drugs for this. Well two years ago I was right back to losing weight, being miserable and making everybody else miserable. After talking with my doctor he suggested prozac it would help take the edge off a bit. I was only supposed to be on it for 9 months to a year then Todd was killed and you all know the rest. So here I am over 2 years and still on it. Don't get me wrong I credit prozac for helping me cope and helping me fight my OCD but I feel that it is time to try life without the drugs. Not to mention it is getting a bit to costly. So I started weaning myself off last week. I'm thinking in about another 2 weeks I should be completely off from it. I have been doing a lot of praying. I really pray that I can use the tools I have learned about OCD to cope with it better. I have done so much research because it just amazes me how some suffer and others do not. Anyone who suffers from this knows where I am coming from, those who don't just would never understand. I used to check my locks on my doors at least 30 or more times a night when John worked the night shift, the alarm clock I would check at least 20 times. I have to have clothes layed out the night before, I hate germs, when people shake my hands all I can think about it washing my hands or getting my hand sanitizer on them. For example in church yesterday morning I was going crazy everyone wanted to hug or shake my hand which in the past has not really bothered me while it was happening, but since my dosage is lowered I was going crazy, I thought I may have a panic attack right there in church. I rubbed hand sanitizer on them at least 4 times during the service. Crazy huh? This is what I live with. I started to think I started this process a bit to soon, I should have waited until after cold and flu season. This morning Andon puked all over my couch. Poor little guy caught a bug. Anyone that knows me knows I don't handle puke all that well even when I am on prozac so imagine what I felt like this morning. I must have washed the spot 20 times, steamed the area, and my poor hands they are dry and cracked and hurt as I type this. I am instantly on puke alert. Wondering who's next. Seriously to most it's like so what you puke and get it over with, honestly whats the big deal, to a person with OCD you think the world is crashing around you. I have realized through some of my research it can be a bit of a control issue. I have to have things in order my order, to be honest I have a plan for everything and the not knowing who's going to be next takes over my life. I am feeling a bit proud of myself because I am not letting it run me today at least the old me would have not hardly eaten anything and made all the kids eat chicken noodle soup for dinner but the new improved (older) me made a nice chicken dinner and did not obsess over it. I got my cleaning and sanitizing out of my system and let it go. I could hardly believe it myself. Maybe there is hope for me after all. On a much lighter note I wanted to thank my sisters for including me and John in date night Saturday. We had lot's of fun, laughed until our stomach hurt and enjoyed a night away without kids. It felt good to feel young again. Next time let's not see such a scary movie though, not sure my blood pressure can handle it!!!

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

R.I.P Jett Tavolta

Such a tragic story that just grasped at my heart. I love John Travolta and Kelly Preston, the are such a beautiful Hollywood couple. I can't even begin to imagine their pain and grief, nor do I ever want to know what it feels like. To lose a son at such a young age. It is just another reminder to be thankful for our blessing and our children. Even people who seem to have it all experience loss and heartache. After hearing about this Friday evening I hugged all my kids alittle tighter and prayed to God to always keep them healthy and safe.