Monday, May 28, 2007

My Life/ Memorial Day

Dearest Todd, A year ago if you would have asked me what Memorial Day meant to me I would have had not much to say. Not that I didn't care or I didn't understand the meaning, it's just that I had never given it much thought. It's been almost 2 months since your death and I still have trouble believing that this is real. How can such a young healthy guy full of life really be gone? I'm still sad, angry and in great disbelief. I look at your wife and daughter and think how can this really be true. The best times were yet to come for you. Emma looks just like you, every day I see you more and more. It saddens me to think that she will never remember your touch or smell. She will never experience that special daddy daughter bond that my girls have with John. My sister will always wonder what might have been. When I think of all these things I feel so much anger, but then I must tell myself that there really is a God and that everything happens for a reason. For that reason your calling came early. I do believe that you are watching over your wife and daughter and will always be a huge part of their lives. You've changed mine forever, yes you Todd the last person I would have dreamed of. You did what so many are to scared to do. You put yourself in harms way for our Country and for all the families that live in it. You have touched many in ways unexplainable. Strangers felt the need to reach out to our family after your death it made me see that there are many caring people in this sometimes terrible world. My promise to you Todd is that John and I will always look after your precious girls. We will continue to love and support them and will always be there through the good and bad day's. Every day for the rest of my life I will think of you and your sacrifice. You meant something to each member of our family. We are very proud that you were a part of our family. We will forever miss and love you.

Thursday, May 24, 2007

My Life/ Memorial day weekend.

We had a cook out at my Moms house today and it rained, I was so disappointed. We still had a good time indoors. My sister wanted me to say a prayer and have a moment if silence in honor of Todd and the other fallen Soldiers and the ones still over in Iraq and it completely slipped my mind. I feel terrible I am going to try to do it tomorrow and my nephews first birthday party. I just feel kinda nervous speaking in front of a lot of people. We visited the grave site today and it still gives me goose bumps. He still does not have his head stone yet, not that I am in any hurry to read his name on it but I feel he should be known. We also took my niece to get her ears pierced, which she looks too cute in. She is 8 months old and and my Sister made me hold her so that I was the bad guy. She screamed only for about 30 seconds. Then she forgot all about them. I always had my girls ears done when they were about 8 months old too that way they don't realize they are there and they don't mess with them.

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

My Life/ Back Home

I need a vacation already. I have been busting my butt ever since I walked through the door. My husband found out that he needs his wisdom teeth out. Which I cannot wait for he has been in so much pain and has been so cranky. Our central air system is not working so I have someone coming out this afternoon to look at that. Today it is supposed to be a high of 87. So hopefully it will be an easy fix, but as I am finding out that nothing for us is ever easy. I heard on the news this morning that 7 more U.S troops killed. Wow it is becoming more and more frequent. I just do not understand what is going on over there. They are not being killed by gun fire, but by hand made bombs. While in Texas I met a lady that had gone to visit a friend in the hospital that was hurt in Iraq. He is brain damaged. I guess Two men in Iraq tried to abduct him and took a screw driver and pounded it in his head. Oh my gosh I could not imagine. These types of stories we do not even hear about on the news. I just feel like the world we live in since 9-11 is just so unsettled. I am scared for what the future is going to bring. One thing I really realized by spending time on a military base that most of these soldiers are just boy's. I know these boy's quickly turn into men being in the military but to me they are just babies starting their lives out. I also learned how special these men and women are. It takes a special kind of courage to do what they do and to sacrifice what they do. I can't begin to imagine. My son was in such awe of being there he informed my daughter that when he gets older he wants to join the military. My first response was Hell NO. But I realize he is still very young and it just looks cool to him. I also felt a bit proud because he does understand what these men and women stand for I mean we have lived it first hand and he must have some type of pride to even say that. For that I feel proud but believe me I do not want my son to join the military. If I have my way he will be a doctor or dentist. He and my daughter got military uniforms on base which they both look so adorable in. We are going to have their names sewn on them. Todd would be so proud to see them wearing them.

Saturday, May 19, 2007

My Life/ Long drive home!!

Well my week in Texas is over. We left at 5am this morning. We went a bit out of our way today to go to Graceland. I have always wanted to go there and we never travel through that part of Tennessee, so on spur of the moment we just did it. I am so glad we did. It was so cool to see where Elvis once lived. We are staying in Missouri tonight and should be home tomorrow evening sometime. The kids have been such good travelers even my Hailey. She had a melt down only a few times today. We had such a fun time in Texas. I really was not ready to leave. My Sister showed us all the places her and Todd hung out at. We went all over on base which was awesome. She took us to where he used to work. We all felt so close to him. I pictured him doing all the things we were doing. We saw where he used to ride his motor cycle. We took the kids to six flags which we all had some much needed fun. In the back of my mind I must admit I often thought of Todd, wishing that we could have gone with him. We traveled to San Antonio one day and seen the Alamo and walked the River Walk. I loved it there. It was the best part of Texas. Todd's memorial service took place on Thursday. It was very nice. Ten soldiers were remembered that day. They were the 10 that died from Fort Hood in the month of April. It was hard seeing all those other families in such despair. My Sister said that she feels a bit of closure now. They did one final roll call, that's where they call out the soldiers name and wait for them to respond they do this 3 times and obviously no one responds and that is very hard to hear. The Silence I think really makes you realize that they are really gone. In a way you finally accept the fact. I am so glad we went. I had never been to a military base before and it was so awesome, they have their own little word. I really got a taste of my Sister's life. Everyone was so friendly. I just could not believe it. Even the Texas Trooper that pulled my husband over for speeding was so friendly.. Don't worry he only got a warning. My poor husband has been in such pain all week due to his teeth and gums. He never takes pain medicine and he has been taking it around the clock. Monday it looks like he will be making a trip to the Dentist. Hopefully he can take the pain until then. My kids are sleeping which I should be doing. I have a long day of driving ahead of me.

Saturday, May 12, 2007

My Life/ Traffic Jam

As I write this we are stuck in a traffic jam in Missouri. We think that there was an accident. We are 11 hours into the trip and happy to report that no one has gotten sick yet. My daughter Mackenzie the car sick queen has only gagged once and My birthday girl Hailey has only gagged a few times only because she has been crying. I think that she is over tired. We went to bed rather late and still got up around 4am and she has not slept as much as I have planned. The weather is just beautiful. We were hoping to make it to Oklahoma tonight but because of this traffic back up we will be lucky to make it out of Missouri. My 7 month old niece is being the best little traveler she has basically been sleeping, which could mean trouble for tonight. My sister keeps telling us stories about the times she and Todd traveled through here, I love hearing the stories but it really makes me sad. I only wish we could have all taken a trip together. She has his wedding ring on a chain around her neck. I so admire her courage to make it through each day. I can't say I could go on. His ring is bent we kinda think they had to use something to get it off from him because it was a really tight fit. It still stings as if it were yesterday. I have so many moments lately where I still just can't believe that he is really gone. I know I keep writing this all the time I just have all these feelings so bundled up inside of me and if I think to long about it I feel like a crazy person. I still feel so angry, why him, why now? I can't stop asking myself these questions. Am I ever going to feel normal again? I just do not understand.

Friday, May 11, 2007

My Life/ TGIF

I am so glad that it is Finally Friday. I have so many kids today hopefully I will make it through the day. My Mom is getting out of work early and coming over to help me so I can finish packing. We are leaving at 3 am we find it is much easier to leave really early with the little ones so they sleep a good part of the trip. My poor cat she is going to go crazy without all the action. My Mom is going to stop by daily to visit with her, but I still worry. I am also going to really miss my nephew. I see him almost every day and it is going to be really hard leaving him. My Sister and I were up until midnight last night talking and she was baking Hailey's birthday cake too. She is very excited that we are going to Texas but also very nervous. We are staying across the street from where they last lived together, so she is not sure how she will be staying so close. She also wants to go through the storage unit for some things so that will also be hard seeing the rest of his things. We both kept asking last night Why? Why Todd? He had so much life left. I still don't understand. It feels so unfair. I find myself talking to him all the time, may sound crazy but somehow it brings me some comfort. If he were here he would say stop worrying about it, move on. He could not stand it that all the women in my family were over protective and chronic worriers. He used to say my daughter will never be like you women. Stop worrying about things you cannot change. It is so much easier said than done though. Hopefully the trip will go well and no one will get sick. We are renting a van so my daughter should not get car sick I pray. But I am packing prepared. Who know with my crazy kids anything is possible.

Wednesday, May 9, 2007

My Life/ Wednesday

Three more day's until we leave for Texas. My sister received Todd's things from Iraq yesterday, so it was kinda a hard day for everyone. He had so much stuff, I could not believe everything he kept over there. It was really hard looking at the pictures he had of my Sister and Emma. He had tons of tuna fish which really surprised me I did not even know he liked tuna fish and tons of chewing gum. I wish he would have kept a journal but that was not his style, but I was still hoping. It made it so much real once again. It kinda hits you like a ton of bricks all over again. I still think about him so much. He was such a private person so I have been learning so much more from others about him. For instance he listened to others problems and often helped them through tough times. He was always such a smart ass, I really can't imagine him being so serious. On a much lighter note my girlfriend had her baby today. I am very happy to report that Mom and baby are doing really good. She had a baby boy, 7lbs 1oz he looks a lot like her older son. I only wish her marriage was better. Her husband is still very much determined that he wants a divorce. I thought things would change but they have not. I really worry about her now. It is going to be so hard taking care of 2 kids without a husband being home at night. But I guess what's meant to be will be whether we want it to or not.

Sunday, May 6, 2007

My Life/ Very Busy Week.

We have such a busy week ahead. I have lot's of Daycare kids almost everyday. We have a baseball game Monday night. Which by the way we won our first game and lost our second, but all the kids seem to have a good time. My girlfriend is having her baby Wednesday so I have to bring her little guy up to the hospital to meet his new sibling, which I am very excited for. I have to start packing for our trip to Texas, fit in a baseball practice and find time to have a small birthday party for my daughter Hailey. She will turn 3 on the day we leave for Texas. I don't even have a gift for her yet. I feel terrible I have been so pre occupied with everything else. I think I will try to squeeze that in friday night sometime. We still have not decided if we are leaving early Saturday morning or after my son's baseball game. I want to leave early but the team really needs Tyler because he is one of the main pitchers. We will also be getting our rental Friday so we will have to pack everything up on Friday night. I feel an anxiety attack coming on just thinking about it. On Yahoo today 8 more American Soldier killed in Iraq by a roadside bomb. Reading that made my stomach turn. I can't escape it. What those families are going through right now just hurts to much to think about. I want to reach out to them, tell them I know what you are going through. I think just knowing that I am going to Texas and I will finally be able to see where he lived and meet his friends makes me feel anxious. I want to go but I am so nervous because it hurts so much thinking that he is never coming back. I guess that is a reality that I am just going to have to get used to.

Friday, May 4, 2007

My Life/ My Purpose

I am having one of those day's. It started off like a semi normal day, well about as normal as it can be since Todd's death. We had a yard sale and made about $400 dollars which really surprised me. My husband took the day off work to run it and thank goodness he did because I could not have done it alone with the day care kids. We went to Applebee's for dinner, just the five of us. At dinner my husband and I start talking about Todd, remembering our times with him. Almost a month later his death still feels so unreal, I can't believe that he is really gone. My husband and I go from being mad to sad and even scared of death. We both believe in God and both have always had this Strong feeling that things happen for a reason. But this has really been putting our faith to the test. I often feel mad. Why does God take the young and why do some suffer more in life. I have read the bible but I must confess I still question certain things. Don't get me wrong I do believe in God that has not changed I just have all these wonders. Why are some so fortunate when others can't catch a break. If each of us serves a purpose why do some choose to take their own lives? What pushes some to the edge? While others just drift through life without a care in the world. Years ago when I kept having miscarriages, I was so mad at God what had I done to deserve this? All I wanted was a baby and why did I feel like I was being punished. I did not understand why people who abused their children could have as many as they wanted and I could not have one more. I remember screaming and crying, on my knee's begging, Why me. I then looked at what I already had, a healthy son and believe me I was thankful for that. It was then I decided to just be thankful for all that God had already given me. I still feel the loss of my 3 miscarriages everyday. But now I am able to see that if it were not for those miscarriages I would not be blessed with my two daughters. They happened for a purpose. I guess I need to do the same in Todd's death. I must believe that he served his purpose here in life and now he has moved onto something better. It just hurts so damn much. I look at his daughter and I just feel so sad and angry. Why him? Why does she have to grow up without a daddy? It sometimes hurts to much to think about. It makes death so much more real to me and I guess that is what scares the hell out of me. What really does happen when you die? Why do some live to be 90 while others will only live to be 24. I guess I just have to have faith and know that things will be okay, and that we all serve a purpose. At tragic times like this it is just really hard to see the silver lining. We all must go on, there is nothing else we can do. We must live for our purpose. Be strong and happy and cherish our family.

Tuesday, May 1, 2007

My Life/ Big Game

Today is our first baseball game and we are all so nervous. I don't think we will ever coach again. It is way to much pressure. My husband and I feel like we are being judged all the time. Nothing has gone right. Our uniforms are not fitting some of the kids and we have pictures tonight before the game. Oh yeah and did I mention that it is storming out today. It is supposed to clear up later in the day but the field may still be wet. My son is the starting pitcher and I always get so nervous for him. I have such a busy day on top of everything else I have about 9 kids all day luckily I have my sister to help keep me sane. It is my only busy day until next Thursday so for that I am grateful.