Wednesday, June 27, 2007

My life/ Crazy hot day.

What I thought was going to be an easy day has turned out to be a stressful day. I switched around some kids today so that I would be able to run some errands. I had my three kids and just one daycare kid. So we leave around nine this morning. First stop, the bank. It is a hot and humid day here and I just spent a lot of money to get my air conditioner in my Suburban fixed so I am enjoying how cool it is and my son is just freezing. So he is complaining Mom I am so cold. He is so skinny he has absolutely no body fat on his body. Please Mom turn off the air and just put your window down. So I gave in, the poor kid had goose bumps. Well my 6 year old daughter who is sitting behind me starts complaining it's to windy. So I now have my window cracked and the air on really low. We are heading to the Cemetery. We have not been there since Memorial Day. It starts to rain and we have hit construction. My wind shield wipers aren't working, my Diva of a three year old is crying because her shoe has fallen off and no one can help her because she is in the very back seat. I was looking so forward to getting out today I could hardly sleep last night. I am stuck at home everyday during the week because of daycare. By this time I am just wishing I were at home changing diapers and chasing kids. We finally make it to the Cemetery were my son wishes to be alone at his Uncle's grave site. I take the other kids and we go visit my great grandmothers grave. I give him 5 to 10 minutes and I walk back and tears are just streaming down his face. Words can not describe the pain I felt for him. I wish I could shield him from all his pain. He whispers I just want one more time with Uncle Todd, just one more time to play with him and say goodbye. My heart just broke. I still struggle with his death but I often forget that my son is struggling too. He really loved him and enjoyed playing with him. I just hugged him and said someday we will all be together again. That's all I could say. Being a parent is one of the hardest jobs and seeing your children sad or upset is the worst feeling. After all the tears we head to the grocery store and shopping with four kids is never easy or that fun. Then we met my husband for lunch which was nice because we never get to. My three year old daughter had a melt down the whole 25 minutes it took us to get home. I still have not figured out what set her off but that's been my day.

Sunday, June 24, 2007

My Life/ Great weekend.

We had a great weekend. My 6 year old daughter Mackenzie learned to jump off the diving board and swim to the latter all by herself. She was so proud of herself. She took swimming lessons last year but still was not comfortable to swim in the deep end but yesterday we were at a pool party and she finally started swimming it was great. My three year old was a different story she had to do things her own way. She had a few melt downs at the party which of course was not unusual for her. Today we took the kids to Silver Lake State park which they really had fun riding their bikes and swimming. I love the summer. When we move I would love to live somewhere it is warm all year round. Sunshine makes us all very happy.

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

My Life/ The Unknown

My husband and I went for a run tonight well he ran and I rode my bike (I am not much of a runner). It was so quiet and peaceful something that I am not used to having three kids. It was so nice I almost did not want to come home. Ever since Todd's death I just keep thinking about the unknown things in life. On this bike ride my mind just kept wandering. I think my husband was getting alittle pissed because I was just keeping to myself. I almost feel like I do not know what is right or wrong anymore, I am constantly thinking of death and how we really have no control when our times up. By doing this I realize that I am just waisting time but I just can't help it. I have been emailing a father of a soldier that died in Iraq the first time Todd was in Iraq. He actually emailed me first and told me the sad story of how his son was killed and how Todd was with him and when Todd returned home he met with them. I asked this poor father do you ever feel normal again? His response was yes and no. With each new day you get stronger and are able to deal with life more but there is alway's this void you have. I see what he means because I do not cry everyday now, but I still think of him and wonder how things would be if he were still alive. His death has affected my everyday thinking on life. I don't worry so much about the bills and money which is a good thing but I also think about death more and how I could wake up tomorrow and someone else I love may be gone. It scares me a bit. I want to know is he okay? Is he with us? All these questions drive me nut's. Are we on the right path in life? The list goes on. My sister passed out the other night in the bathroom. She hit her head and has a mark on her face. I guess this is the second time this has happened it happened once in Texas. She went to the doctor this morning and they want to do a scan on her head. Of course she thinks the worse that she has a brain tumor or something. I told her she is fine and everything will be okay. But it really did get me thinking. Tragic things really do happen to all families. We think it will never happen to us and it really can. I guess I just can't worry about the unknown because there is really nothing I can do to change it. I just have to find a way to not worry so much and enjoy everyday.

Sunday, June 17, 2007

My Life/ Fathers Day!

We had a very peaceful Father's Day. We went to Yogi Bear's campground just for the day and took the kid's swimming and then took my husband out for dinner and came home and got a lot of much needed yard work done. It amazes me how close my children are to their Dad. I never had that bond with my Dad growing up and it shows to this day that we are not close. My kids have so much with John. I was sitting in a chair beside the pool today resting my eye's listening to them play in the water. The fun they were having. They have a totally different relationship with him than they do with me. I am so thankful that they all have each other. I used to dream of having a Dad like John so I am glad that I married one so that my kids never have to feel that void. I was always so scared of my Dad as a child I never remember having much fun with him. He was always such a serious guy. Now he is totally different but we are still not close. My husband said the sweetest thing to me today as we were watching our three kid's play on the playground. He said that there is not a day that goes by that I do not take them for granted, I feel so lucky to have each one of them. Now that's a Daddy speaking. My heart melted. I guess the saying really is true "Any one can be a father, but it takes someone special to be a Daddy. Happy Father's Day John. Thanks for being an awesome Daddy to our three kids and for being such an important man in our niece and nephews lives. We all appreciate you.

Monday, June 11, 2007

My Life/ Todd's Birthday

Today is Todd's Birthday and he would have been 25 years old. We had a celebration for him over the weekend. We did all the things he loved to do. We shot pool which was very interesting because it was my first time and I was terrible, but we still had fun and the we went bowling and that was fun to then we had a party after that. Sunday we went gambling which was fun we lost all our money but it was still really fun. I love that feeling that you get when your actually wonder what would I do if I won the jack pot. I sit and day dream about how I would spend all the money. But then reality sets in and you realize that your chances are so slim and that you are going to have to go back yo work the next day. Tonight we are having cake on Todd's behalf. It might seem crazy that we are doing all these things and he is not even here but it's something you cannot explain until you go through what we have all gone through. We can't just not do anything. So Happy Birthday Sgt. Todd A. Singleton. We love and miss you.

Thursday, June 7, 2007

My Life/ What is wrong with these people?

I just can't understand what pushes someone to murder especially if that person was a complete stranger. I heard on the news this morning that the 18 year old Kansas City girl was found murdered after she was seen on a surveillance camera Saturday night being pushed into a car outside of Target. Under arrest is a 26 year old man. What the hell, I just don't get it. Such a young life and this scum bag comes along and takes not only her life but hurts all the people that knew and loved her not to mention his family. What makes a person do such a thing. Her poor parents I can only imagine what they must be feeling. That's like your worst fear as a parent. First to find that your child is missing and then to find that she was murdered. It haunts my mind just thinking about it. What that poor girl must have gone through. Certain things I guess I will just never understand. If this man is guilty I hope he will get what's coming to him, even though nothing will ever bring her back. He obviously needs help. So sad to see so much of this on the news. It reminds me of the Natalie Halloway case that has never been solved or the poor girls body has never been found. What her poor mother must endure each day with no closure or justice. It's so sad, she has such great courage to face every new day, I can't say that I could. To lose a child would have to be the worst thing to ever have happen. My thoughts and prayers are with all these families on a day like today.

Tuesday, June 5, 2007

My Life/ Tuesday

I over slept today. I still can't believe it, I never over sleep. I woke up at 7:23 and my son gets on the bus at 7:45. I was freaking out. My sister was bringing my niece over at 8 am and my first kid comes at 8:25 so I had to move quickly. I have a system in the morning and getting up late did not help things. I had to give both girls a bath this morning to, usually I do it at night but I was just to tired last night. My son had a baseball game and it was so cold and it rained on and off. It amazes me how the weather can be 90 degree's one day and only 50 the next. My son's last day of school is Thursday and my daughter's last day of school is Wednesday. I am going to her reading party today for her class. She is so excited that I can make it. It is so hard to make it to everything when you do Day care. That is probably the hardest thing I struggle with. I wish I could be more involved in each of their classrooms. I feel so jealous of other Moms who do not have to work and are able to help in the class on a weekly basis. I know that I should not feel jealous but there are times when I can't help how I feel. If I did not work I know I would go crazy not doing anything but there are times when it looks real tempting. For now I will just enjoy the moments I do get to attend their classes. My day's will be plenty busy when schools out. I am going to have alot more kids around here.