Tuesday, March 31, 2009

A Bit Calmer these Days.

These past couple weeks have been crazy busy for me. We have had tons of Birthday parties to attend, Tyler wrapped up basketball season and tomorrow baseball season officially starts. I have to admitt, I love watching baseball way more than basketball. Many of you who talk to me on a daily basis know that I have been struggling again with my OCD. Well the obsessive part. I went to the soctor last week and was checked from head to toe with a magnifying glass and bright light in search of any signs of skin cancer. I had a weird looking mole on my breast that had gotton larger over the past few months. He first checked that and said that was 100% not cancer. Then he excamined the rest of my body, I have had this mole right under my collar bone since I can remember, he mentioned to me that we will watch that one because it was alittle red but nothing to be concerned with. So he ordered me some blood work for my own peace of mind and sent me home. Days leading to that appointment were awful for me. I could not get cancer out of my mind. I was obsessed with it. Once again I pushed John almost to his breaking point. The "Normal person" thinks about these things and are worried but ME I take them to a whole new level, I imagine every possible outcome most of them being bad. I obsess over how my kids would ever handle anything ever happening to me. In fact that morning in the doctors office while waiting a had a massive panic attack and my pulse was still elevated by the time I got examined. Leaving the doctors office that day I did feel much better, the doctor and I discussed ways to help with all the anxiety and obsessiveness, I was very glad to hear that he did not want me to go back on the drugs yet. He believes that I can do this, I just have to find my own way of dealing with it. Today I went back to get the one on my breast removed, I mentioned to him that maybe we should just remove the one that I have to watch, he said that was probably a good idea because then I would not obsess over it. He then tells me that he neeeds to send that one in because of the redness and he can't say 100% that its nothing, of course my heart starts pounding he could see it in my eyes. He said I am 99% sure its nothing Im just doing it because we want to be sure. after leaving the doctors office very sore of course but I called John and of course I am all choked up telling him that I was nervous. He in turn said in his asshole way of thinking like a man, Oh My Gosh you are not starting this again. You are fine. I hang up run to Meijer and get some bandages still nervous about cancer and really pissed at my caring husband on the verge of tears. Walking into Meijer praying in my head, please God let me remain calm and not freak out, let me have the ability to handle my lifes issues like I do with everyones else who shares their problems with me. I get my stuff get out to my truck and get a very calm warming feeling. Suddenly my chest stops hurting, I no longer feel like crying, and John calls to say that he's sorry and he's sure I am alright. The Shelly from 2 weeks ago may have lost it, but I feel different this time. Am I still worried? Sure I mean who would not be, am I confident that its not going to come back skin cancer no, not really but I know that whats meant to be will be. I am doing everything I can to stay on top of things and thats really all I can do. Freaking out is not going to change the results. Sometimes I need a little reminder of what a strong woman I actually am. I think the thing that frustrated me the most is my ability to help others with their issues but I sometimes can't take my own advise. I also have to learn to be more patient, I am always looking for a quick fix, I want to know everything now, I hate waiting.. I go back in a week to get my stitches removed and to get the results back. All I can do know is pray and wait and go on living my life. Lets just keep are fingers crossed I can :)

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Giving Directions

Monday, March 23, 2009

Happy 1st Birthday Alex

My nephew Alex turned 1 yesterday, I can't believe it! He is so big. We are so blessed to be a part of this special lil guys life. Happy Birthday Alex, Auntie loves you!!

Feeling a bit crazy!

These last few weeks for me have been a bit rough, I have felt overwhelmed with guilt, worry, you name it I'm sure I have felt it. So the whole getting off prozac thing is done. (Thank God for that) So what the heck is wrong with me. The sun is shinning I should be happy right? No, now I am remembering why I started taking the stuff to begin with. Everyone knows that Johns job is not doing well, I'm sick of thinking, worrying about it, I pray daily about it, I feel like it has consumed my life for the past month. Like I have said before it's easy to tell someone not to worry when it's not starring you in the face. I mean a million things go through my mind in a day. How will we pay our bills, I feel like I took for granted so many things, John used to get unlimited amount of over time, if he wanted it, he took it. I complained about all the extra hours and the 3rd shift, but we were always able to spoil our kids and do the things we wanted. I'm going to sound selfish for a bit but it's just been really bothering me. John and have always been able to take a vacation of some sort once a year. We have been blessed we have taken the kids to Disney 4 times, Vegas, Mall of America, Texas plus a ton of weekend getaways. Why did I take that for granted for so long. I wish I could go back and savor those moments with my family instead of obsessing about every lil thing. When I am feeling sorry for myself I remind myself that God gives and takes away, I need to still count my blessing each day and I try very hard too. In the middle of all my worrying I have been looking into going back to school. I looked into online schools which are very expensive but would work out perfect for me with my schedule but I don't qualify for much financial aid, I have researched every aspect about going back to school. I not only have the worry of John losing his job but I also have the worry about losing day care kids because of their parents losing their jobs, not to mention I have a bunch of kids going to school full days next years, which means I lose money. I have not really had to worry about that because I charge the same until they go to school full days. I figure that if I have to feed them lunch and hold a spot for them it has to be worth my time. Now I have four kids that will be going all day so I have to come up with a new price thats good for the parents and that will still make it worth my while to keep their spot for summer. I have been talking with another Daycare provider on facebook who has been so helpful with these issues. See how my days are filled with anxiety and worry, I guess if Johns work was doing good this daycare stuff would not matter as much, so I feel torn, do I look for more kids, try to do the online school thing or try to find a job in this shitty economy? So on top of all that it would not be like me if I could not possibly find something else to obsess about. On Saturday I start feeling anxious about my health, I start thinking wonder if I get cancer , wonder if i'm dying and I don't even know it? These are the exact things I used to obsess about before prozac. I have no symptoms, nothing really going on with my health, other than gaining unwanted weight I feel fine. I had myself so worked up last night that I have taken my health for granted, feeling guilty thinking I could be such a better mother and wife, I totally have myself convinced that something is wrong with me. John say's he knows whats wrong with me he say's I'm just CRAZY. So anyway long story short I made myself a doctors appointment. Honestly to be a fly on my wall somedays around here.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

My Hailey

Hailey decided that she needs to get rid of that tummy and tighten those abs, no really she just watches her Mommy way to much , except I don't roll my pants up and wear tights under my jeans. Yes she can be a bit crazy. Imagine my surprise one day when she stepped off the school bus with her pants rolled up like that. I asked her if her teacher did that because she is in a growth transition her pants are either to long or to short , so I thought maybe her teacher had done it so she was not stepping on them. "Nope Mommy I did all by myself" Wonderful I thought , Now thats style!!! I'm not holding out a future in fashion for her!

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Thanks Lisa for this video!

Thanks to everyone that left me comments and for your beautiful emails. It shows me just how much I am really blessed to have each of you.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

This caught my attention and got me thinking!!

Today on the noon news they were talking about the soldiers from Muskegon returning to Iraq I just caught a glimpse of it while waiting on the kids at lunch time. I did not see this actual picture which I copied from Mlive but the video they played was of a young man holding his baby son so close with tears streaming down his face. It touched me so... I can't imagine having to leave my loved ones especially my children not really knowing what my future holds. It brings me back to Todd of course and the day he had to leave 2 week old Emma, I can't even begin to imagine what that must have felt like for him. It's hard to believe that we are almost at that 2 year point of his death. So much has happened, Stephanie has a serious boyfriend whom she loves very much. But still has a very big hole in her heart that no one will ever be able to fill. About a month ago she shared a story with me. She said every night Emma kisses a picture of her Daddy and tells him goodnight, well one night after kissing his picture she asked Steph if she could see her Daddy, Steph replied with, you can't because Daddy is in Heaven which Emma already knows, Steph has always made it a point to tell her where he is but this time she wanted to go to heaven and see him. Steph said she was very upset and once again Steph explained Daddy had to go to Heaven and we can't see him but he is always with us.. What else can you say to a 2 year old. It broke Stephs heart to hear this come out of her mouth, it broke mine just imagining it. Shortly after this my sister had a bit of a breakdown she felt sad and did not know how she was ever going to be able to move forward with anything. Having this break down in the night she wrote a letter to God, imagine my surprise when I open an email to God from Steph. All I can say without revealing her private intimate thoughts is that it touched me so much. It reminded me of the saying "you can't judge a book by it's cover" on the outside she seemed fine, loves her boyfriend and is very happy with him, but on the inside she still has so much to over come. The world may have moved on but she has not. I either see or talk to my sister every day and I really had no idea how she had been feeling. We talk about Todd often but we just don't talk about her feelings as much as we used to. I feel like I dont want to dredge up more heartache for her. That day we talked in person for a very long time of all places out in her car , I had kids but John happened to be home from work so he stayed inside so we could talk. We talked, cried and prayed, I can honestly say that it was probably one of the best talks we have ever had. Just because she appeared to be doing fine and moving on does not mean deep down she really was. So being the thinker I am, I started thinking about all the books I judge by their cover not really knowing whats inside of each person. Someone may seem to have the perfect life but we would never know because we really don't take the time to look and listen. Someone loses a loved one and we think how tragic or sad , someone else loses job and we think oh how terrible, but do we really understand and have empathy. For myself I have always had a certain amount of compassion for others , I want to help and make a difference but even with that being said I really don't think we realize how others feel until it is starring us straight in the face. Death had never affected me so much until we lost Todd , seeing soldiers on TV never moved me so much until I had to say good bye to one,hearing about people losing their jobs had never really hit home until that possibility came knocking at my door. For those who are struggling with anything in their lives I pray that you have that one person, maybe two that you can go to and be yourself. Besides God anyway sometimes we need to just show our real feelings to someone. I have been very blessed that I have that type of relationships with a few people. I thank God every day for bringing certain people into my life that have given me comfort and compassion and words of advise, and for me being able to help give them the same right back. Can you imagine if everybody was not so quick to judge others by their appearance or where they come from how many different relationships and friendships we could have, how much we could learn from one another. The world would be a much happier place.. To all my friends that are in my life , Thank You and for those of you who read my blog and do not leave me comments but write me emails thank you! Each and every one of you have touched my life in some way and it is my hope that I have yours. One last thing for my husband , I have been doing a lot of praying for John and his job and I came across something that somehow gave me comfort.


Monday, March 2, 2009

Dinner with the Carnes kids