Thursday, December 20, 2007

My Life/ Picture of Todd as a baby...

The closer it gets to Christmas I think the more nervous I become. It will be our first Christmas since Todd's death. The reason I think I feel nervous is because I don't want to feel sad or see my family sad on that day. I don't want to feel that loss all over again. I think of Todd every day how can I not I see him so much in Emma but I try not to think of his death and that he is really not coming back to us. I have accepted the fact but it still hurts to bad when I think about it to much. Last Christmas my sister video taped Christmas at my Moms house for Todd and we all wished him a Merry Christmas and she sent it to him. She even filmed our Holiday food fight last year it was between Katie & John she got him with mashed potatoes which I am sure Todd got a kick out of. I felt bad last year because he had to miss Emma's first Christmas little did I know that he would be spending his very last Christmas in Iraq. Years ago when Todd and Steph would come home at Christmas we would make breakfast all of us together and Todd's specialty was French Toast he had a special way of making them, which I never admitted to him but they were really good. I only wish we could have had more time. I worry about my sister also she has been really down these last few day's I think she is starting to think of him more to. It does not help with my Grandpa being so sick. I don't think that I will be getting my wish for Christmas. I guess they found something new in him yesterday possibly more cancer so I think I will go up there tonight and try to get the truth out of my Grandma. He still is not eating on his own and he can't really walk so who knows I keep praying for a miracle.


Anonymous said...

Wow - what an ADORABLE little man Todd was!! And yes - little miss "Thang" Emma certainly looks like her daddy..especially when she gives "the look"!
I know this Christmas will be hard on you and your family. Todd will always be in your hearts and time will help heal the hurt. Think of him spending Christmas in Heaven and how wonderful that experience must be for him!
Stay strong girl - you are such an amazing person!! God will get you through it!!
Love ya's!