Friday, January 30, 2009

Uncle Obama

Monday, January 19, 2009

Back to blogging

I guess it has been a while since my last post, no good reason really just have not felt like blogging. It kinda feels like 2009 is not starting out so great for some. More jobs lost, more in danger of losing them, Tom's aunt Marcia losing her battle to cancer. Caleb's cancer seems to be defeating him. Seriously I have so many others in my prayers each day I am having such a hard time keeping track. I just seen Jennie's post with a picture of her beautiful mother that she lost many years ago. I'm thinking of Tom's aunt's children that she leaves behind. Lea told me today that his aunt was just not ready to go, she still had so much to do. It gave me goose bumps, honestly how do you say good bye to your children. My 2 worse fears, losing a child or leaving them behind. At times like this we must trust in our faith and know that God has a plan for each of us. Enjoy each day that God gives us and appreciate life to the fullest. Ok enough enough of my daily preachings. Most everyone knows that I suffer with anxiety and OCD. I know most everyone can have a bit of OCD in them at times, but mine really can get extreme. Many years ago I took paxil which made me feel like shit and after I stopped taking them I had the worst withdrawls from them I swore never again will I take drugs for this. Well two years ago I was right back to losing weight, being miserable and making everybody else miserable. After talking with my doctor he suggested prozac it would help take the edge off a bit. I was only supposed to be on it for 9 months to a year then Todd was killed and you all know the rest. So here I am over 2 years and still on it. Don't get me wrong I credit prozac for helping me cope and helping me fight my OCD but I feel that it is time to try life without the drugs. Not to mention it is getting a bit to costly. So I started weaning myself off last week. I'm thinking in about another 2 weeks I should be completely off from it. I have been doing a lot of praying. I really pray that I can use the tools I have learned about OCD to cope with it better. I have done so much research because it just amazes me how some suffer and others do not. Anyone who suffers from this knows where I am coming from, those who don't just would never understand. I used to check my locks on my doors at least 30 or more times a night when John worked the night shift, the alarm clock I would check at least 20 times. I have to have clothes layed out the night before, I hate germs, when people shake my hands all I can think about it washing my hands or getting my hand sanitizer on them. For example in church yesterday morning I was going crazy everyone wanted to hug or shake my hand which in the past has not really bothered me while it was happening, but since my dosage is lowered I was going crazy, I thought I may have a panic attack right there in church. I rubbed hand sanitizer on them at least 4 times during the service. Crazy huh? This is what I live with. I started to think I started this process a bit to soon, I should have waited until after cold and flu season. This morning Andon puked all over my couch. Poor little guy caught a bug. Anyone that knows me knows I don't handle puke all that well even when I am on prozac so imagine what I felt like this morning. I must have washed the spot 20 times, steamed the area, and my poor hands they are dry and cracked and hurt as I type this. I am instantly on puke alert. Wondering who's next. Seriously to most it's like so what you puke and get it over with, honestly whats the big deal, to a person with OCD you think the world is crashing around you. I have realized through some of my research it can be a bit of a control issue. I have to have things in order my order, to be honest I have a plan for everything and the not knowing who's going to be next takes over my life. I am feeling a bit proud of myself because I am not letting it run me today at least the old me would have not hardly eaten anything and made all the kids eat chicken noodle soup for dinner but the new improved (older) me made a nice chicken dinner and did not obsess over it. I got my cleaning and sanitizing out of my system and let it go. I could hardly believe it myself. Maybe there is hope for me after all. On a much lighter note I wanted to thank my sisters for including me and John in date night Saturday. We had lot's of fun, laughed until our stomach hurt and enjoyed a night away without kids. It felt good to feel young again. Next time let's not see such a scary movie though, not sure my blood pressure can handle it!!!

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

R.I.P Jett Tavolta

Such a tragic story that just grasped at my heart. I love John Travolta and Kelly Preston, the are such a beautiful Hollywood couple. I can't even begin to imagine their pain and grief, nor do I ever want to know what it feels like. To lose a son at such a young age. It is just another reminder to be thankful for our blessing and our children. Even people who seem to have it all experience loss and heartache. After hearing about this Friday evening I hugged all my kids alittle tighter and prayed to God to always keep them healthy and safe.