Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Back to School

School starts next week and honestly I can't believe how fast summer just flew right by. I am starting to have anxiety over my kids going back. I know it is good for them and I deserve the break but I really only feel relaxed when they are at home with me. You would think I would be used to this, after all Tyler is going into the fifth grade, but each year it feels harder and harder to let go. This will be Tyler's last year at Ealy and Mackenzie's last year at Shoreline, and my baby Hailey's first year at Shoreline. Thats right all three of my kids will be in school starting on Tuesday. I have never not had another baby at home since Tyler first started school. It is so crazy. The hardest part for me is going to be putting Hailey on the bus. She has hardly ever been away from me and I am just supposed to stick her on the bus. There will be many tears that morning from me. I have to put my trust in the aids that they will get her off the bus and take her to her class, that is very hard for me. The way home I am not so worried because I know that I will be getting her off the bus and she will be riding with Alli, Isaac and Abby, but making it through that first day, I'm just not sure I'll make it. It is the strangest feeling when I think about having all three in school. It seems like yesterday I was putting Tyler on the bus for the very first time. I thought it was supposed to get easier the older they got, but it really does not because I still worry about the older ones, making new friends, fitting in and hoping that they really enjoy school. I'm guessing that Monday night will be a pretty restless night for many of us Mom's.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Taking the moment

The past weekend was busy as usual. Friday Johns bother got married, after the reception/open house we met my sisters at the drive in something we have not done all summer long. Tired out from such a long day we both fell asleep during the movie. Tyler is the only one that made it through the whole movie. Saturday we decide that we are going to start school shopping. We thought we would start at the Outlets in Howell. I was driving and John noticed that I had a rash of some sort on my neck. So as I am feeling for the rash I discover a lump in my neck right above my collar bone. Anyone who knows me well knows that I jump to the worst conclusion. Within minutes I am fighting back tears, Johns yelling at me for getting upset and thinking I have cancer and my kids are wondering what the hell is wrong. They asked why I was crying I said it was because I had a headache, not realizing that is what I always say when I am upset, Tyler says back, "you always say that when you don't want to tell us something." I just ignored the comment and stuck to my headache story. The rest of the way to Howell all I did was think. Which is sometimes not a good thing for me to do. In fact the whole weekend I was quiet and felt awful. I had a very hard time enjoying myself at all. I kept thinking what are my kids going to do without a Mom? I don't want them to see me sick, I know I am CRAZY. Feeling sorry for John yet? I literally drove him out of his mind all weekend long. I would go from cherishing every moment with them to crying hysterically. I was so upset with John I almost felt like he did not care or was not taking me seriously. He kept explaining to me over and over that he was worried but he was not going to officially worry until he had something to worry about, if that makes any sense... I kept insisting no John, this is my body and I know I have cancer and thats that. Everyone tried to reassure me that everything was probably fine, special thanks to Tom, Lea. my Mom and Mother and law for trying to make me feel better. By Monday morning I am convinced it is cancer because it felt bigger, so I call the doctors office asap. I mean withing minutes of them opening. I explain everything to the nurse and she basically tells me to watch it but since I could move it, she was not so concerned, and that when my doctor was back from vacation in a week I could have it checked out. I did not feel comfortable with that answer so I said I would see any doctor. She then put me on hold and got my chart out. She gets back on the phone and says can you be here in 15 minutes. Now I would love to see this chart of mine, I am convinced that it says CRAZY lady somewhere in it and on my kids it probably says CRAZY mother, let her come in or she will keep bugging.. There is very good reason for them thinking I am a bit paranoid at times, when my kids were smaller I would freak out over the smallest of things. Like for instance I read in the paper when Ty was about 4 that some other small child had died from the flu, well I wanted answers and Ty had a very bad cold but no fever, so I lied and said he had a temp just so he could be seen. Another example after suffering several miscarriages after Tyler I was filled with anxiety, so much anxiety my heart would race, well I was convinced that I had a heart condition, two different doctors told me it was anxiety but nope I was not buying it, I insisted in an EKG.. Well no heart problem just one over paranoid woman. So over the years I think they have just learned to work with me. I am not nearly as bad as I used to be but I do have my moments. Back to the lump, I did see a doctor and I am fine, I am fighting a cold and allergies so my lymphoid is swollen creating the lump I felt. Thank you God, after receiving that news I was in the greatest mood ever. The kids could have burnt the house down and I would have still been smiling. I hate that I always presume the worst but honestly I think I do that to protect myself, I don't ever want to get that news being unprepared. I hate surprises. I also think that the older I get and the more I hear about others having cancer that our my age and younger, it really scares the hell out of me. So for this moment I am taking it and being thankful.

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Attention All Moms

The meeting between my sister and Todd's Mom did not go as well as hoped. My sister described it as feeling as if she was attacked by Donna and the mediator. She basically said that Donna got to state her case and every time she tried to say something she was interrupted. The mediator is supposed to be somewhere in the middle and basically sided with Donna and was not even interested in Steph's reasons. So it looks like it will go to court. This whole thing is so stupid to me. It is really bothersome to me to think that a judge will have the final say as to who my sister allows to leave her child with. I guess all us Moms should be warned that at any time a grand parent can sue you and force you to have to let them spend time alone with YOUR child. Parents should have the final say. Don't get me wrong, Donna should be a part of Emma's life, but it should be under my sisters terms, no judge should make that final call. I believe that the mediator should listen to both sides and then make a recommendation, but honestly to me it is so stupid that it has even gotten this far, Stephanie is Emma's mother, she decides whats best for her daughter. I am just going to continue to pray for a miracle and some how this can get resolved before it gets nasty at least for Emma's sake.

Some People

So this afternoon I am going with my sister Steph to the courthouse for mediation between her and Todd's mother. As most of you already know my sister was served with court papers last week, stating that Donna wants visitation with Emma. Stephanie has NO problem letting Donna see Emma, she does have a problem leaving her there. Stephanie has made it very clear to Donna, that she could see Emma whenever, either she would bring her over there or she could come visit her over my house. That is not good enough since Donna wants no part of my sister. I guess I am just not understanding this whole thing. She has never shown any interest in Emma before, even before Todd's death Steph was the one that always called her and asked to come over to visit. Many times Steph would call and leave messages and Donna would not return her calls. She did not show up for Emma's birthday, no card, nothing. Now all of a sudden it is her right to a little girl who by the way has no idea who the heck she is. I have a huge problem with that. I am just praying that the court system will see this from a logical stand point. No mother should be told who they must leave their child with. Donna would have not liked it if someone told her that she must leave her child with someone. Yes I understand that her son was killed in Iraq, but that was my sister's husband also, she is not the only one struggling. It seems to me if I were in her shoes and really cared about my grand daughter I would do whatever I had to do, she needs to make an effort and show Steph that she wants to be a grandma, not just demand her rights. I have such strong feelings on this not only because I want whats best for Emma, but I believe that when you have kids you have that responsibility of protecting them. I had kids to care for them myself, it is my choice on who I leave them with. My sister and Todd did not get a divorce, he was killed, she had no choice in the matter. She did not have a child with Todd to share with Donna. I can't imagine what it would feel like to lose a child, but if I were ever in Donna's position, I would still consider my daughter in law my family, I would not say well I only want to see my grand child. Thats basically what she has said to Steph. I am just praying that all goes well today... Wish us Luck...

Monday, August 4, 2008

Katie's Wedding