Thursday, February 12, 2009

Still Here!!!

Yes I am alive, I find that I am at a stand still with blogging. I don't know if it is a side effect of lack of prozac or what I just feel like I have nothing to blog about. Speaking of lack of Prozac I am officially weaned off from it, I can't honestly tell you the last time I had any. I guess that is a good thing but honestly I hate how I feel, look, I basically hate everything. Poor John has really been taking a verbal beating from me. Every little thing that happens in my life I blame on him, I almost feel like I have split personality towards him. One minute I love him so much the next minute I am picking a fight just to have someone to yell at. For the record I really do love him all the time it's just he is the one person I feel most comfortable with to show the bitchy side of me. He has been taking it like a champ, I even called the doctor again and the nurse assured me it should not be much longer and I should feel good again, it is still in my system for 45 days after my last dose, for John that can't come soon enough. Here are some examples of my split personality, this morning I had to get up at 5:30 because I had a daycare kid that needed to come early for a few days. First off I am not a morning person, every day John has to hear the same bitch come from my mouth as I kick my legs like a 2 year old. (Hmm wonder where my girls get it) anyway he was trying to be so positive and loving and I was short and bitchy I mean I barely kissed him goodbye. So later this morning I got the kids on the bus did a few things around the house and jumped on the treadmill (which is a whole other issue I am having, I hate exercising, seriously) so I was watching the news and running and they said that they had closed the highway due to a deadly accident. It was the same way John takes to work, instantly I have a stomach ache because it dawns on me that I had not heard from him and usually everyday he texts me around 8am to see how the kids did getting up. So I assume the worse, I even go as far as imagining the police knocking on my door, so I texted him, thankfully right away he texted me back and informs me that he passed the man that was going the wrong way on the highway and flashed his lights at him to get his attention. John was getting off the exit ramp and he was getting on, John was feeling so guilty because he feels he should have done more, leave it to him to feel bad about that, all I could think of was wonder if that would have been John he hit head on, it really could have been him, moments later the man driving the truck the wrong way down the highway hit another vechicle head on and sent the other person to the hospital and the driver died. That seriously could have been my husband. John drives this small car to work every day, the thought did not leave my mind the entire day. All day I texted him telling him how much I loved him, I don't know what I would do without him, all day I praised God for keeping my husband safe this morning. Now here comes my other personality I go to the older kids parties this afternoon and bring Hailey we are all on our way home and John calls and the kids are fighting, Tyler had forgotten to buckle Hailey in her seat so I am yelling at them and John says I'm going to let you go, you are giving me a headache, just then I'm instantly pissed all the oh I am so happy your ok feelings just leave me and I hang up on him. John being the great guy he is never once says anything to me about hanging up on him when he arrived home, before this would have started a fight but he knows I'm just not myself so he comes in gives me a kiss and once again everything is fine. This poor guy has been living like this for weeks now. I don't know how I got so lucky to find someone as wonderful as him, but I do know that I need to be thanking God alittle more each day for bringing him into my life. So John if you are reading this, please know that I really do love you (for this moment anyway) just teasing, seriously though you are always telling me how lucky you are to have me, I am the lucky one. I could have not gone through any of the things we have gone through in the past few years without you by my side. Thank you for always trying to understand me even when I am at my worst. I really could not ask for a better husband and best friend.


Jen said...

Awwww too cute! Sounds like you're both super lucky to have each other :)

Lea said...

Isn't it wonderful having a hubby like that?? Seriously..when we say "for better or worse"'s so nice to know we mean it!! (Ok..maybe the guys more so than us!) - just kidding!
We're both pretty lucky to have such great guys!! Then again - those guys are pretty darn lucky to have us too!! Hang in there're doing great!

jennie said...

oh my gosh, I can't believe John flashed his lights at that man! There is nothing more one can do in that situation. You can be sure the cops had been called. But I understand wishing he could do more.

Hang in there Shelly. You are one step closer every day to where you want to be.

Always happy to see you blogging:)