Monday, March 23, 2009

Feeling a bit crazy!

These last few weeks for me have been a bit rough, I have felt overwhelmed with guilt, worry, you name it I'm sure I have felt it. So the whole getting off prozac thing is done. (Thank God for that) So what the heck is wrong with me. The sun is shinning I should be happy right? No, now I am remembering why I started taking the stuff to begin with. Everyone knows that Johns job is not doing well, I'm sick of thinking, worrying about it, I pray daily about it, I feel like it has consumed my life for the past month. Like I have said before it's easy to tell someone not to worry when it's not starring you in the face. I mean a million things go through my mind in a day. How will we pay our bills, I feel like I took for granted so many things, John used to get unlimited amount of over time, if he wanted it, he took it. I complained about all the extra hours and the 3rd shift, but we were always able to spoil our kids and do the things we wanted. I'm going to sound selfish for a bit but it's just been really bothering me. John and have always been able to take a vacation of some sort once a year. We have been blessed we have taken the kids to Disney 4 times, Vegas, Mall of America, Texas plus a ton of weekend getaways. Why did I take that for granted for so long. I wish I could go back and savor those moments with my family instead of obsessing about every lil thing. When I am feeling sorry for myself I remind myself that God gives and takes away, I need to still count my blessing each day and I try very hard too. In the middle of all my worrying I have been looking into going back to school. I looked into online schools which are very expensive but would work out perfect for me with my schedule but I don't qualify for much financial aid, I have researched every aspect about going back to school. I not only have the worry of John losing his job but I also have the worry about losing day care kids because of their parents losing their jobs, not to mention I have a bunch of kids going to school full days next years, which means I lose money. I have not really had to worry about that because I charge the same until they go to school full days. I figure that if I have to feed them lunch and hold a spot for them it has to be worth my time. Now I have four kids that will be going all day so I have to come up with a new price thats good for the parents and that will still make it worth my while to keep their spot for summer. I have been talking with another Daycare provider on facebook who has been so helpful with these issues. See how my days are filled with anxiety and worry, I guess if Johns work was doing good this daycare stuff would not matter as much, so I feel torn, do I look for more kids, try to do the online school thing or try to find a job in this shitty economy? So on top of all that it would not be like me if I could not possibly find something else to obsess about. On Saturday I start feeling anxious about my health, I start thinking wonder if I get cancer , wonder if i'm dying and I don't even know it? These are the exact things I used to obsess about before prozac. I have no symptoms, nothing really going on with my health, other than gaining unwanted weight I feel fine. I had myself so worked up last night that I have taken my health for granted, feeling guilty thinking I could be such a better mother and wife, I totally have myself convinced that something is wrong with me. John say's he knows whats wrong with me he say's I'm just CRAZY. So anyway long story short I made myself a doctors appointment. Honestly to be a fly on my wall somedays around here.


Kristin said...

Good luck with all the decisions. I know you will make all the right ones. Let me know what you come up with as far as payment goes for the kids!

Good luck with the doctors as well. I am sure all is GREAT. Sometimes a little reassurance goes a long way in a world filled with so much uncertainty.

jennie said...

please dont ever second guess your gut(crazy or not) when it comes to health. Yours or others in your family.

Getting a clean bill of health always feels great. totally worth doing. And the only way to to get those thoughts out of your head for while.

I am excited for you and the prospect of furthering your education! I am at the same place you are in that department. I would love to hear what you may be considering. Jason keeps telling my that I cant just stay home all day once the kids are in school. That right there will make me crazy!

You'll be on my mind, girly:)

Lea said...

Oh girl....
What would I do if I didn't listen to your stories of how John thinks your crazy??! LOVE IT!! (In a nice way of course.)
For the record, you are NOT crazy!! This economy is weighing heavily on everyone's minds lately and you have every reason to be right up there with the rest of us.
Going back to school is a VERY tough decision. Remember me?? I'm going back in APRIL! Yes - only a couple of weeks away! I'm scared, uncertain, happy & sad all at the same time.
Hang in there....
you know it's all in God's hands and he will provide.
Love ya girlie!

Anonymous said...

Hi !.
might , perhaps very interested to know how one can reach 2000 per day of income .
There is no initial capital needed You may begin to receive yields with as small sum of money as 20-100 dollars.

AimTrust is what you thought of all the time
The firm represents an offshore structure with advanced asset management technologies in production and delivery of pipes for oil and gas.

It is based in Panama with offices around the world.
Do you want to become really rich in short time?
That`s your chance That`s what you wish in the long run!

I`m happy and lucky, I began to take up real money with the help of this company,
and I invite you to do the same. If it gets down to select a proper partner who uses your funds in a right way - that`s AimTrust!.
I earn US$2,000 per day, and my first investment was 500 dollars only!
It`s easy to join , just click this link
and go! Let`s take our chance together to get rid of nastiness of the life