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Saturday, February 21, 2009

All different directions...

I apologize in advance this is not going to be warm fuzzy post. My mind and my heart are both running in all different directions right now and I can't seem to settle down so I thought maybe if I blogged about it maybe I could find a way of getting it all of my chest. Many of you already know that my Dad has a drinking problem, he may not be a falling down drunk every day of the week (thats only on weekends) but he does drink on a daily basis. He also smokes. My Dad found out months ago that he has heart disease. The type and all the details I have no idea he does not like to share these things with us. I also do not talk to my Dad very often at all, he works 2nd shift and never seems to be around when I am. We used to talk every day but I feel him trying to pull himself away from me. This breaks my heart, we have never been very close but in the years after me moving out we seemed to establish more of a relationship in which we have ever had before. Most of you that know my Mom know that she has her own issues with my Dad (well basically issues in her own life) as well. Without sounding mean or ungrateful I am more upset with my Mom than I ever have been. This is hard for me to even type. Don't get me wrong, I love my Mom, she is an amazing woman. She loves her grand kids more than anything, she would do anything for us girls and our husbands. She is a very giving and very generous. Except when it comes to my Dad. I really believe she may hate him. She can go days without speaking to him. They work different shifts so they don't even see each other until the weekends. She blames it on his drinking and smoking, and all the months well years of him not officially having a real job. She has so much hatred in her heart. A week or so ago my Grandma informs me in church that my Dad was not feeling well and she was very worried. He was out of his blood pressure pills and started having chest pains and became very dizzy at work. I had no idea, I had talked to my Mom every day that week and she never once mentioned it to me. So I am instantly pissed. I asked her if she knew Dad was not feeling well and she rolled her eyes and said yes she knew. I don't understand why she would not tell me during one of our conversations that week. She said well I just tell him I dont feel sorry for him because he drinks and smokes, he has done it to himself. This is the same woman that sits next to me in church every Sunday, who lectures me on having more compassion for others and gets mad at me for letting my 11 year old cross the street by himself. After all these years of marriage how can you just live with someone and not care about them. Needless to say she knew I was upset. For months now I have been dropping hints to her about what the bible say's about honoring your husband. Katie had her watch Fireproof with her and Rich. I prayed it would spark something in her. She called the next day and said she loved the movie, never once mentioned my Dad. She even recommended to a lady at work to watch but totally did not get it for herself. Day after Day I pray the same prayer, I sound like a 6 year old, "Please God let her love my Dad". Nothing, it's the same old Mom always putting him down and showing no emotion. Today she calls me after Katie had already and told me that my Dad was not feeling well, she informs me that Rich was taking his blood pressure and considering bringing him to the hospital. Glad she called I think she learned her lesson after all week of me basically being as short as possible on the phone. She had Emma for the night, so I got off the phone and told John. He thought we should stop and see for ourselves how he looked. I was instantly scared, I told him I could not see him. I called my Mom back from my parents driveway while John went to check on my Dad. ( I know what a great daughter I am) I got very upset with her and asked her if Dad goes to the hospital will she go with him. She hesitated and said well I have Emma but yah I guess. I snapped at her and said "can you please be nice to him and act like you care" she got very quiet and then had to let me go. I am so tired of being the one that they all lean on to take care of things, I feel that she needs to step up and be wife and a mother and help my Dad with some decisions. I could not bring myself to go into my Dads garage, then it would be real to me. I'm not strong enough to watch my Dad go through this. Lately in the back of my mind I have known he is not well. I get these feelings that I just push to the back of my mind. His smoking and drinking is finally catching up to him. He has yellow skin. Most people who have liver issues have his color of skin. I'm now finding out more and more of his health problems and I feel like I just want to run and hide, I can't watch another person I love go through suffering. I can't stand the thought of losing one more person. I can't hold everyone else up during it. My Mom has to step up. I can't talk to her about it because she gets mad. Maybe I should write her a letter, honestly I just don't know anymore. Oh and my Dad did not end up going to the hospital tonight, if it gets worse he assures us he will but he is making a doctors appointment on Monday. Once again sorry for such a dark post, I just have talked and cried so much to John over this I have no one else to go to other than here. I guess all I can really do for now is pray and figure out the rest later..

6 comments:

Lea said...

Oh girl! I'm SO sorry you have to go through all of this. I know how much your family seems to depend on you to handle everything and make things OK. That in itself is very tiring. I can say I know how you feel about having to watch someone suffer. It's not easy. All I can say is you already know God has a plan for everyone and it's all in His hands. The broken relationship between your mom and dad has nothing to do with YOU. Hopefully one day your mom will get the message - let's just keep praying it's before it's too late. Luv ya girl! Hang in there.... I'm here if you need anything!

Life in the Fast Lane said...

Oh my gosh Shelly I am so sorry to hear about your Dad! I will be praying for your dad's health and also that the relationship between your parents will heal also. Alcoholism is so devastating to not only the alcoholics health but to the entire family. It sounds like unfortunately you are seeing the worst of both sides of that spectrum right now. Keep me posted and if you need anything I'm here...
Luv ya~L

Theresa said...

You and your family are in our prayers! Take Care girl...(take some "OOOHHMMM time"(meditate and clear your mind...if for only a few minutes))

Kristin said...

You are doing all you can do...PRAY!!! You are a very strong person, remember that. I am so sorry that you and your family are going through this. I will keep everyone in my prayers as well!!!

Jodi said...

hang in there and continue to pray...

jennie said...

Of course I read this soon after you posted, but couldn't find the words for a comment. We are at the age where our parents health is beginning to be a concern(some more than others) and it scares the hell out of me. I hope he take it seriously and makes some changes so he can hang around for many years to come.

As for your parents relationship, please keep in mind that you have very little control. And that God does not want us to worry. He wants us to put our worries in his hands. Give advice and encouragement to them when you can, but its all you can do.

Keep us posted. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.