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Saturday, February 28, 2009

My First Prayer Vigil

A couple of weeks ago I signed up for a 24 hour prayer vigil at church. Each person that signs up gets his or her own hour of choice to be with God. I was very excited when I signed up for it but as time went on and the more my schedule started to fill in I found myself saying "if only I did not have that prayer vigil I could have time for something else". So by Thursday night I'm wishing I had never signed up for it because life was just feeling overwhelming and I felt like with each day of the week I was falling more behind on things. Then Friday comes. John and I were up at 3:30 in the morning I woke up first then he woke up, he thought well as long as he is up he might as well go to work so that he could be out early on a Friday. Well me and my awful self did not like that idea, I knew if he got up and got ready that would be the longer I was awake and the harder it would be for me to go back to sleep. So what do I do? I start a fight, yup my evil side emerges. All of a sudden I am just mad, he storms out and I can't go back to sleep, I'm laying there telling myself, "I am not going to call him" well guess what I called him, not to apologize over such a stupid fight I picked but to bitch some more. Now I am in tears and he's just pissed.. He lets me go once he gets to work basically still fighting and telling me that I am just flat out crazy, well of course that does not sit well with me so I text him a very long text, anyway stupid story short we kinda make up, but I never go back to sleep, I finally get tired 15 minutes before I have to get up for the day. Getting ready for the day my phone rings, its Jamie she tells me that school is cancelled. I wont even type my choice words that came out of my mouth. Of all days to have a full house it has to fall on a Friday especially that Friday when I was already starting my day off all wrong with being up so early. Since it fell on a Friday I would have two extra boys that usually I only have after school for like an hour on Fridays. I am a total planner on the days I know I will have a few extra kids I like to have things planned out for how my day is going to go. When you watch kids you have to have a schedule or things will be even more crazy. So at this point I am thinking thank God John is coming home early he can entertain the boys with games. Surprising my morning was getting better by the hour. The kids were all playing well, things seemed good. Then I get a text from John on his break saying that the boss is very upset and laying people off. He texted me one of his good friends got layed off that had more years in than him and that he was scared and nervous and Waiting... Thats it I was like OMG I instantly can't think straight. I mean his shop has not been doing well at all, he does not get his full 40 hours in but unemployment is way less than that even. My Daycare money is just not cutting it right now because our electric and gas bills are so high and groceries are killing me. I'm thinking what the hell are we going to do. I start thinking of what we can get rid of first. Still not hearing back from him I really begin to panic, by this time I'm thinking the boss is talking to him thats why he can't contact me back. Finally I hear from him on his way home, still very upset he tells me that he dodged it for that day but is unsure about what next week will bring. Relieved he still had a job but still panicked about not knowing whats going to happen, it throws my whole day completely off. All day long I pace and pace, I pace so long I'm light headed. I'm thinking why the hell did I stop taking prozac my anxiety will never survive it. I get a reminder call about the vigil by now I am so happy to be having an hour with God because I have tons of things to pray about. So back to the vigil my time was from 7-8pm. I brought my own bible and a list of people and issues to pray about. I arrive and the church is very dark, they have a few lamps dimmed. It was beautiful, I relieve the lady from her hour and start mine. When I signed up I thought what in the world am I going to pray about for an entire hour. I was amazed at how fast the time flew by, an hour just was not enough time. They give you this sheet to follow if you like and I found it very helpful. Some people pray in their heads, not me I prayed out loud and talked like he was sitting right next to me. At first I have to admit it felt a bit weird but once I started I could not stop. I wont get it in the my praying or confessing of sins thats between him and I, but it was the most amazing experience I have honestly ever had besides giving birth. I probably cried the first 15 minutes letting everything out but this overwhelming sense of comfort it's just to hard to describe came over me. I was not alone, he heard me, and took all the anxiety that I had been holding in for months. I left there feeling the best I have felt in a very long time. I am ready to face whatever battle comes my way, I had to be reminded that it's all in God's hand. Pacing the floor, wasting precious time worrying will not change whatever happens in my life. I know I will still worry and obsess, thats just me but I pray that I will always remember my hour and the comfort I felt reassuring me that no matter what things happen it will always be ok.

6 comments:

Kristin said...

I am so inspired and amazed by you! Thanks for having a STRONG belief and sharing it with others. I am glad that your faith is getting you through these horrible times...at least none thing good will come of this:)!

Faith and prayer will get you far in life, remember that!!!

Lea said...

Oh Shelly!!! I keep thinking about the vigil all weekend. Wishing I had signed up this time around. I'm so glad you had such a wonderful experience with it and now I'm even more convinced I will do it next time. You are SO right! Everything is in His hands and wasting time worrying isn't going to change anything. I'll keep you guys in my prayers that things turn around for John's job. Remember - everything happens for a reason, even if it doesn't make sense to us at the time. Love ya girl!!

Jennifer Witham Buck / Graceful Expressions said...

Amen, sister!
I will keep your family in my prayers...

jennie said...

thanks for posting this. I had a rotten day. Bad, bad, bad. I needed this reminder more than you could know. i am so inspired.

:)

Lisa said...

What an amazing description of your experience at the prayer vigil. I got chills. God was their with you and He will see you through whatever the future brings.
Luv ya~L

Jodi said...

goose bumps...I'm smiling for you.