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Tuesday, March 31, 2009

A Bit Calmer these Days.

These past couple weeks have been crazy busy for me. We have had tons of Birthday parties to attend, Tyler wrapped up basketball season and tomorrow baseball season officially starts. I have to admitt, I love watching baseball way more than basketball. Many of you who talk to me on a daily basis know that I have been struggling again with my OCD. Well the obsessive part. I went to the soctor last week and was checked from head to toe with a magnifying glass and bright light in search of any signs of skin cancer. I had a weird looking mole on my breast that had gotton larger over the past few months. He first checked that and said that was 100% not cancer. Then he excamined the rest of my body, I have had this mole right under my collar bone since I can remember, he mentioned to me that we will watch that one because it was alittle red but nothing to be concerned with. So he ordered me some blood work for my own peace of mind and sent me home. Days leading to that appointment were awful for me. I could not get cancer out of my mind. I was obsessed with it. Once again I pushed John almost to his breaking point. The "Normal person" thinks about these things and are worried but ME I take them to a whole new level, I imagine every possible outcome most of them being bad. I obsess over how my kids would ever handle anything ever happening to me. In fact that morning in the doctors office while waiting a had a massive panic attack and my pulse was still elevated by the time I got examined. Leaving the doctors office that day I did feel much better, the doctor and I discussed ways to help with all the anxiety and obsessiveness, I was very glad to hear that he did not want me to go back on the drugs yet. He believes that I can do this, I just have to find my own way of dealing with it. Today I went back to get the one on my breast removed, I mentioned to him that maybe we should just remove the one that I have to watch, he said that was probably a good idea because then I would not obsess over it. He then tells me that he neeeds to send that one in because of the redness and he can't say 100% that its nothing, of course my heart starts pounding he could see it in my eyes. He said I am 99% sure its nothing Im just doing it because we want to be sure. after leaving the doctors office very sore of course but I called John and of course I am all choked up telling him that I was nervous. He in turn said in his asshole way of thinking like a man, Oh My Gosh you are not starting this again. You are fine. I hang up run to Meijer and get some bandages still nervous about cancer and really pissed at my caring husband on the verge of tears. Walking into Meijer praying in my head, please God let me remain calm and not freak out, let me have the ability to handle my lifes issues like I do with everyones else who shares their problems with me. I get my stuff get out to my truck and get a very calm warming feeling. Suddenly my chest stops hurting, I no longer feel like crying, and John calls to say that he's sorry and he's sure I am alright. The Shelly from 2 weeks ago may have lost it, but I feel different this time. Am I still worried? Sure I mean who would not be, am I confident that its not going to come back skin cancer no, not really but I know that whats meant to be will be. I am doing everything I can to stay on top of things and thats really all I can do. Freaking out is not going to change the results. Sometimes I need a little reminder of what a strong woman I actually am. I think the thing that frustrated me the most is my ability to help others with their issues but I sometimes can't take my own advise. I also have to learn to be more patient, I am always looking for a quick fix, I want to know everything now, I hate waiting.. I go back in a week to get my stitches removed and to get the results back. All I can do know is pray and wait and go on living my life. Lets just keep are fingers crossed I can :)

8 comments:

Mandy said...

Shelly you are in my thoughts and prayers! You can make it through this difficult time, I know it! I just know that everything is going to be just fine! Hang in there!

Jen said...

I completely feel for you! I had a mole removed a few years ago and it WAS melanoma- I know how scary it is! I pray your moles are benign, but regardless, you will be fine... I am! Think positive girl! : )

Kristin said...

Way to be the strong woman I know you are!!! I am 100% sure everything will be just fine. You are ALWAYS in my thoughts and prayers and lots of other peoples too!!!

Lea said...

I'm SO happy to hear you are dealing with this better now. YOU CAN DO IT!!! I know we've had several talks about it and you know I'm ALWAYS here for you. Kudos to you for taking the steps to get things looked at - some people hesitate to do that because they are afraid of what they may find out.
Hang in there girlie!
Love ya!!

Lisa said...

I am just like you, I hate the unknown. When your logical self says that your just worrying over nothing, but you continue to worry anyway. I hate it! You don't have much longer to wait, just keep busy!
<3 ya

hien k. d. said...

hi Shelly :)

i just wanted to tell you that i think you are an incredibly strong woman and that it's hard to balance a lot of the things that you do. i really admire you.

also, from a medical perspective, i can certainly reassure you that it is true - most of the time, these biopsies are totally benign. often, we will send it off and say "just to be sure" more for legal issues than anything else. (not that that's right, but it does happen that way). sometimes, it has to do with the level of experience that each doctor has. what 1 doctor would biopsy, another doctor may not.

i think it's the uncertainty that drives people crazy and there is this fear about cancer. it is most likely that these biopsies are going to be absolutely benign, but if you're worried about cancer - from my perspective, as an oncologist, given your age and your good health otherwise, any kind of cancer that you are likely to be at risk for would be treatable and would be potentially curable. try to keep that in mind, if you can!

anyways, please email me if there is anything i can help with!

hien

Jodi said...

God is with you and so are your family and friends. Everything will be fine. I know it is easy for me to say, but you know the power of prayer and you are a firm believer. You just need to try to turn your beliefs around in a positive way for you, the way you are with others. :)

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