Monday, January 19, 2009

Back to blogging

I guess it has been a while since my last post, no good reason really just have not felt like blogging. It kinda feels like 2009 is not starting out so great for some. More jobs lost, more in danger of losing them, Tom's aunt Marcia losing her battle to cancer. Caleb's cancer seems to be defeating him. Seriously I have so many others in my prayers each day I am having such a hard time keeping track. I just seen Jennie's post with a picture of her beautiful mother that she lost many years ago. I'm thinking of Tom's aunt's children that she leaves behind. Lea told me today that his aunt was just not ready to go, she still had so much to do. It gave me goose bumps, honestly how do you say good bye to your children. My 2 worse fears, losing a child or leaving them behind. At times like this we must trust in our faith and know that God has a plan for each of us. Enjoy each day that God gives us and appreciate life to the fullest. Ok enough enough of my daily preachings. Most everyone knows that I suffer with anxiety and OCD. I know most everyone can have a bit of OCD in them at times, but mine really can get extreme. Many years ago I took paxil which made me feel like shit and after I stopped taking them I had the worst withdrawls from them I swore never again will I take drugs for this. Well two years ago I was right back to losing weight, being miserable and making everybody else miserable. After talking with my doctor he suggested prozac it would help take the edge off a bit. I was only supposed to be on it for 9 months to a year then Todd was killed and you all know the rest. So here I am over 2 years and still on it. Don't get me wrong I credit prozac for helping me cope and helping me fight my OCD but I feel that it is time to try life without the drugs. Not to mention it is getting a bit to costly. So I started weaning myself off last week. I'm thinking in about another 2 weeks I should be completely off from it. I have been doing a lot of praying. I really pray that I can use the tools I have learned about OCD to cope with it better. I have done so much research because it just amazes me how some suffer and others do not. Anyone who suffers from this knows where I am coming from, those who don't just would never understand. I used to check my locks on my doors at least 30 or more times a night when John worked the night shift, the alarm clock I would check at least 20 times. I have to have clothes layed out the night before, I hate germs, when people shake my hands all I can think about it washing my hands or getting my hand sanitizer on them. For example in church yesterday morning I was going crazy everyone wanted to hug or shake my hand which in the past has not really bothered me while it was happening, but since my dosage is lowered I was going crazy, I thought I may have a panic attack right there in church. I rubbed hand sanitizer on them at least 4 times during the service. Crazy huh? This is what I live with. I started to think I started this process a bit to soon, I should have waited until after cold and flu season. This morning Andon puked all over my couch. Poor little guy caught a bug. Anyone that knows me knows I don't handle puke all that well even when I am on prozac so imagine what I felt like this morning. I must have washed the spot 20 times, steamed the area, and my poor hands they are dry and cracked and hurt as I type this. I am instantly on puke alert. Wondering who's next. Seriously to most it's like so what you puke and get it over with, honestly whats the big deal, to a person with OCD you think the world is crashing around you. I have realized through some of my research it can be a bit of a control issue. I have to have things in order my order, to be honest I have a plan for everything and the not knowing who's going to be next takes over my life. I am feeling a bit proud of myself because I am not letting it run me today at least the old me would have not hardly eaten anything and made all the kids eat chicken noodle soup for dinner but the new improved (older) me made a nice chicken dinner and did not obsess over it. I got my cleaning and sanitizing out of my system and let it go. I could hardly believe it myself. Maybe there is hope for me after all. On a much lighter note I wanted to thank my sisters for including me and John in date night Saturday. We had lot's of fun, laughed until our stomach hurt and enjoyed a night away without kids. It felt good to feel young again. Next time let's not see such a scary movie though, not sure my blood pressure can handle it!!!


Kristin said...

Glad to see you back blogging. I am very proud of you for taking "control" of your life. I understand the OCD thing...not as bad...but I do understand and feel for you. I think it is normal to want control and certain things set everybody off, you are just going to have to work a "little harder" than most because you have a few more:)! You are doing a great job, keep up the good work.

And for the record, puke is a gross thing and we ALL feel like the other shoe is going to drop at any minute. It sucks!!! Especially since kids are germ magnets and KEEP bringing it home!!! Tis the season!!!

Lea said...

I'm so proud of you for trying to take control of your life without meds. However, please keep in mind there is no shame in taking meds to help you cope with everyday life. I seriously don't know what I would have done without Prozac during some very difficult times in my life. I weaned myself off and at times think I still need it. I have to remember to breathe, then think before I react. Not always an easy thing to do.

And yeah - sorry I was "the mom" to bring the pukes into your house. He's better now and the rest of us have shown no signs THANK GOD!!

Glad you had a great time last weekend! You need to do that every now and then - remember laughter is GREAT for the soul!!

Love ya!

Jodi said...

It sounds to me like you'll be just fine. :) Hang in there.

Life in the Fast Lane said...

You are doing great Shelly. I have noticed such a change in you with controlling your ocd/anxiety. Yeah its still there but you have learned to recognize when it gets to a certain point and you take contol back. You know I'm always here if you ever need encouragment and support. (Although I doubt I'm much help when it comes to "the pukes" cause we both know I share your anxiety when it comes to that! LOL!)
Luv ya~L

jennie said...

You know YOU better than anyone, listen to youself. Do whatever it takes to feel the best that you can. One thing that I do is think of how I would do ANYTHING for my children. Anything. They need their mom. I want her to be the BEST mom. She just happens to be me:) So I gotta take care of me, for them.

And no matter what happens, you'll be fine. You have a great support system and your faith. Not to mention that you are a pretty amazing person.

Oh, and I dont know how you made it through that movie! I am guessing your face was smooshed into John's arm the whole time! I dont do scary movies. I would be crying from fear.