Thursday, April 26, 2007

My Life/ Rainy Thursday

Thank goodness it is almost the weekend. I have had a very long week. It has been pouring down rain all day, which really does not seem to bother me today. Somehow the rain feels comforting today. We just found out that the Military is having a memorial service for Todd May 17th. My husband and I are taking that week off and driving my sister and her daughter and my 3 crazy travelers to Texas. I wish it were for another reason but I am excited to see where they lived. I feel bad that I never made it to Texas when he was alive and he would always say you'll never come to Texas to see us, and actually we were planning on a visit there after his second tour of Iraq, but things have not gone as planned. So for him I must make this trip. I think my sister needs all the support she can get when going back to Texas. This is where they spent most of there married life together and it is going to be hard to be there without him. My monsters will keep her occupied. It's always an adventure when we travel. You never know what's going to happen. We are all going bowling tomorrow night. My son is so excited. He loves to bowl. The football draft is Saturday so we are having some friends over for a cookout. I hope the weather is nice so all the kids can play outside. At least we are all keeping busy. My 2 year old Hailey turns 3 May 12th. Finally we will be out of the two's. Not that it is really going to make much of a difference. I think she will always have a temper and attitude. Oh well she makes life interesting.

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

My Life/ Spring Cleaning

I have been on a mission all morning. I am trying to spring clean. My mission today was to tackle my room mainly my dresser. I had so much junk stacked on top of it I did not know where to begin. Everyday I am going to try to tackle something else. We are having a community yard sale the first weekend in May and I want to get rid of a lot of stuff that we don't really need. I was watching the news last night which is something I have not really done since Todd had passed and wouldn't you know that they reported 9 more armed forces killed in Iraq yesterday. Now before Todd was killed I would have thought for a minute and felt bad for their families and say that's to bad, but now my gut and heart just aches, just thinking that 9 more families had to receive the same news that we received on Easter Sunday. I can't hardly stand it. It is something that I would not wish on anybody. My heart breaks for their families. Needless to say I think watching the news will not be on my agenda any time soon.

Sunday, April 22, 2007

My Life/ Going On!!!

It is so hard to believe that it has been 2 weeks since we received the tragic news about my brother in law. We are all trying to stay busy, not that we are trying to hide our emotions because we all still cry, but he would want us out living our lives. Today we are taking the kids roller skating. First we are going to stop at the cemetery. My sister is ready to go there now. We have also have been taking our kids bowling even my naughty 2 year old. She loves it. I can't believe we never took them before. The weather is so nice around here finally. That helps a bit. Baseball is also in full swing so that will keep us really busy. This whole thing has taught me to appreciate my children more, I really want to be there for them and appreciate watching them grow up. The things I thought were important before mean nothing to me now. Well we are off roller skating hopefully we won't break any bones.

Thursday, April 19, 2007

My Life/ One final goodbye.

We had my brother in laws funeral yesterday. It was beautiful. He was truly honored as a hero. Our family has been through so much in the past week and a half I still feel like I am walking in a daze. We have all cried so much I can't believe that there are any tears left. This gut wrenching pain I would never wish on anyone. My sister is holding up she admits that she is still a bit in denial because she is used to not seeing or hearing from him so she feels like he's not really gone. That somehow it is a mistake. She has so many friends and family members around her right now, I am just worried about when everybody goes back to their normal lives that it will hit her like a ton of bricks. Our lives will never be the same. I am amazed at all the people in our community that came out and showed there support of him. I was so proud to say he was my brother in law. His funeral was packed full of people. The cemetery was packed. Complete strangers have been sending my sister cards, flowers and offering their support. She said her final goodbye after the funeral was over and everyone left the church she hugged the casket and had her alone time with her husband. It gives me goose bumps typing it. My heart just breaks for her. There was not a dry eye in the whole church yesterday. Everyone shares our pain. The coming weeks, months and years are going to be difficult for her, but we all still have each other. Sgt. Todd A. Singleton, husband, father, son, brother, friend, my brother in law may you rest in peace.

Sunday, April 15, 2007

My life/ A True Hero

Someone left this for me and I thought I'd share it.

I came by today to see you
I had to let you know
If I knew the last time that I held you was the last time
I'd have held you and never let go

It's kept me awake nights, wondering
Lie in the dark, just asking why
I've always been told
You won't be called home
Until it's your time

I guess heaven was needing a hero
Somebody just like you
Brave enough to stand up
For what you believe and follow it through
When I try to make it make sense in my mind
The only conclusion I come to
Is heaven was needing a hero
Like you

I remember the last time I saw you
You held your head up proud
I laughed inside
When I saw how you were standing out in the crowd
You're such a part of who I am
Now that part will just be void
No matter how much I need you now
Heaven needed you more

Cause heaven was needing a hero
Somebody just like you
Brave enough to stand up
For what you believe and follow it through
When I try to make it make sense in my mind
The only conclusion I come to
Is heaven was needing a hero
Like you

Heaven was needing a hero and that's you

My Life/ Moving Forward

Well this last week has been so incredibly hard. It is still to hard for me to put into words. It feels like things will never be right nor good again. His body is set to come home tomorrow. From there he will be taken to the funeral home and we will have two days of visitation and Wednesday will be the service. I still can hardly believe that he is gone, I keep waiting for a phone call that it was all a mistake. My sister is just living that is all I can really say, she is just getting by hour to hour. Seeing him in the newspapers and online is just so surreal to me. He was so full of life and was looking so forward to spending time with his wife and daughter in a few weeks. We should be picking him up from the airport for a visit not to say our final goodbye. How do we say goodbye when none of us are ready to let him go. This has really tested my faith, it is my strong faith in God that is helping me cope with this. Otherwise I don't know how I would get through this. I just want to hold my sister and take away all this pain for her, it just kills me inside seeing her go through this. Her daughter is a miracle, she is so beautiful and full of life, I see her father in her which also gives me great comfort.

Friday, April 13, 2007

My Life/ Disbelief

This is so messed up, I still can't believe that this is real. Everday I wake up and just hope that it was all just a bad dream, then reality hits it is not, this is really happening. All the pain just rushes back to my stomach. I can't stand it. My sister is just trying to get by. My heart just breaks for her. These coming day's are going to be difficult. His body is going to be coming in on a jet this weekend and the funeral should be sometime in the following day's. She is so scared to see him being carted of the plane. She really feels like her heart will break in half. This is just so much to handle. I wish I could help her more, I just don't know how to. We are still in such belief. My husband and I went to a web site with a list of all the fallen soldiers, just seeing his name on that list made it so much more real. The sadness just takes over. More memories just keep flooding my mind. This is truly the hardest thing I have ever had to go through. Thanks again to everyone for all of your kind words and prayers.

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

My Life/ Getting By

Well even day's later I still feel like this can't be real, like I am waiting to wake up from this horrible dream. My sister is hanging on barely. She had a really hard day yesterday I think that it is finally starting to sink in. Whats so hard is that we have to wait for his body to return before we can really plan the funeral. My sister just wants all of his stuff from Texas and all of his things from Iraq. She just wants to smell them, which just breaks my heart. I can't even begin to imagine how she feels. I think having her daughter is the only thing really getting her through this and her strong belief in God of course. Before this happened her and I just read the book the Purpose Driven Life. I think we were given that book to prepare us for this because it sure has helped. My Grandma went and purchased some children's books about losing a loved one and what heavens really like for my kids because they are struggling to. They have never lost someone so close. I am trying not to forget about them in the mix of all of this. This is scary to them, heck it is scary to me. If I can't handle it how can I expect them to handle it. I contacted the school counselor and they have been meeting with both of them. The press are driving all of us crazy I understand that they have a job to do but they are just bugging everyone like crazy and it has only been a few day's. Everyone else has been so amazing and helpful. Neighbors friend, and family have been bringing food everyday, everyone has just been so great. We are all just trying to get by minute by minute right now. Thanks so much to everyone and all their kind words and prayers, this has been a place were I can release some of my pain. The picture is of my sister and her husband sometimes it helps to put a face with a story.

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

My Life/ How do I say goodbye to you?

I don't know how to say goodbye to you. It bothers me that you are still in another country. I guess it really bothers me that you lost your life in another country. All the what if's keep entering my mind. I keep wishing that this is all a bad dream or a mistake. Just when I think I have accepted the fact that you are gone it hits me all over again. I still can't believe it. I hope you knew how much everyone loved you. How you have touched so many lives. How can I say goodbye when I can't see you, if I could have just one more minute with you, I would make you listen, make you understand how much we all cared about you and loved you. You can't be really gone. You only got to see your daughter for the first two weeks of her life, how is that fair? My sister is a widow at 25. Seeing her in pain is the worst possible thing, seeing all of your friends and family in such despair just eats away at my gut. Not knowing how to fix this for all of them and knowing that I cannot fix this for anyone, nothing will bring you back to all of us it just kills me inside. I will take care of your girls I promise you that. Those were my last words to you when you left to return to Iraq. I still see your face walking out the door. I still see the pain in your eyes that you had to go back and leave your new daughter. You were so scared to go back that's what bothers me you were afraid you were going to die this time. How in the world are we ever going to go on without you in our lives? Please know that you are so loved and so very missed by all.

Sunday, April 8, 2007

My Life/ Tragedy

My Easter did not turn out as planned. In fact today will be a day my family will never forget. At about four in the afternoon, my mom called my house wanting my sister to return home asap. My mom just lives down the road from me and that is where my sister and her daughter have been staying while her husband has been in Iraq. My husband went with her because my mom sounded very upset and I stayed home with her daughter and my kids. Two men were waiting in their military vehicle and I am sure you know where I am going with this. Her husband had been killed in Iraq today. It still feels so unreal to even write about this. I just don't know what else to do. I had my neighbor come over and sit will all the kids so I could be there. It felt like a movie. The two men in uniform, the paper work. My husband said my sister just lost it and he just held her tight. I feel so bad for her. He was due to come home for a two week visit at the end of this month. He was looking so forward to coming home to see his 6 month old daughter. She was just 2 weeks old when he had to return to Iraq for the second time. What sticks in my mind the most was that he was so scared to go back for a second time. My sister said he had nightmares about it and was afraid he was going to die. I can't stop thinking about it. They have not released any of the details yet. I just pray he died quickly and he was in no pain. The thought of him dying alone or wounded just does not settle with me. What a tragedy he would have been 25 in June. He will never know his daughter and his daughter will never know him. I think of how this will affect her life. My sister is in shock. She was surrounded by friends and family all night. We all cried, my heart just aches for her. I feel sad, mad and most of all I just don't know what to do. I can't believe he is really gone. My kids don't really understand. He loved my kids he always played with them, teased them. When my oldest daughter was born he was one of the first people up at the hospital to hold her. He got to spend more time with my kids than he got with his own daughter. My niece looks just like him. I kept starring at her all night. Smiling and happy to young to understand that she will never know her father. What a terrible day. I have to be strong for my sister, which I did, I made calls for her which was so difficult for me. But when I got back home to my house I just lost it. It feels like a bad dream. I don't know how any of us are going to sleep. One of the hardest things is that we have to wait 7 to 10 days before his body can return home. I can't believe he is really gone. Every day families are going through this. Every day those men in informs are telling families that there loved one was killed at war. We hear about it every day but until it happens to your family you can never understand.

Friday, April 6, 2007

My Life/ Easter Weekend!!!

We are on our annual Easter weekend getaway. We are in Birch Run Michigan which is about 2 and a half hours away from home. We rented a car again and I am happy to report that no one has gotten car sick. Every year on Easter Weekend we go to an Outlet mall shopping usually it is either Birch Run or Michigan City. This year we picked Birch Run. My kids hate the shopping part but love staying in a Hotel and swimming. I love shopping at Outlet Malls, you can find the best deals on name brand clothes for the kids. Not that I really care about the brand name I just like finding good deals. In fact Target has the best deals on kids clothes I got my youngest daughter a really cute outfit for $6. I am just so disappointed in the weather it is cold and snowing. Usually it is warm when we come. Oh well we will just have to make the best of it. My kids are going to be so excited for Easter we got them the Nintendo Wii we have been looking for it in stores since Christmas and they never have any in stock, so my husband bought one off Ebay. It is something the older kids have wanted for a while. Hope everyone has a great Easter.

Wednesday, April 4, 2007

My Life/ Friendship

My friend sent me this , which could not have come at a better time for me....... You're...My friend, My companion, Through good times and bad, My friend, My buddy, Through happy and sad, Beside me you stand, Beside me you walk, You're there to listen, You're there to talk, With happiness, With smiles, With pain and tears, I know you'll be there, throughout the years!

Thank you my friend I needed this more than you will ever know.

Tuesday, April 3, 2007

My Life/ Down and Out!

It has been one of those days. Not as busy as I anticipated most of the Daycare kids are out sick with the nasty virus that's still going around. I only have 3 extra kids besides my own, but I can't hardly smile today. I feel alone today. Almost like I am so tired of everyone expecting so much from me I am disconnecting myself from everyone. I feel like no one really knows how I feel at times. I have so many things going on right now. I'm trying to be there for so many friends, loved ones I just don't know where to start. I feel like so many things are just expected of me. I carry everyones burdens on my shoulders. My sister is spending very little time with her son and so that puts more pressure on me. I know he is not my son but it's not his fault that any of this is happening and I just want him to have a good life. I want him to be loved and well taken care of. I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I have no one to talk to. It seems like everybody wants something from me. I have a couple coming over tonight with their new baby that I might start watching in May so I have to snap out of this.

Monday, April 2, 2007

My Life/ Spring Break

I used to love Spring break as a kid. My kids are so happy no school for a whole week. But easy week for them means a much harder week for me. It means that I have a full daycare almost everyday. I love having my kids home it's just harder with other kids. It would not be so bad if the weather was nice but the weather is terrible, they are predicting snow for Wednesday. We have our first baseball practice tonight. Hopefully it will go well. And we will not all freeze. I had a sad moment over the weekend my 9 year old son figured out that there is no Easter Bunny. He asked so I had to tell him the truth. I can't even explain how it made me feel. He's not that little boy anymore. He also had his first slow dance with a girl on Saturday. We were at my Uncles 50th birthday bash and a 12 year old girls asked him to dance. His face turned so red and my heart just melted. He was so excited after, it's all he could talk about the rest of the night. My baby boy is growing up.