Sunday, December 30, 2007

My Life/ Seeing my Grandpa

Tonight's the night that I am so nervous about, seeing my Grandpa. We are only having one visitation which is nice with Todd's we had three and that was exhausting. I feel like a bottle of nerves. I woke up early this morning and tried to keep myself busy, I went grocery shopping by myself, which I never do usually John helps me but he has been working so much and we shopped all day yesterday looking for funeral clothes I did not want to drag the kids out. Bad idea for me because it was to quiet, I kept thinking about my Grandpa and all the loss we have endured this year. I tried to concentrate on our New Years Eve get together but I still kept going back to feeling sorry for myself, I really hate that feeling. I am very nervous for the kids viewing my Grandpa I told them that if they don't want to go by him they don't have to it's their choice. Hailey keeps running around the house with a picture of him saying my Grandpa died, so who knows what will come out of her mouth. We went and met with the pastor last night at my Grandma's. We prayed and I have to say he made all of us feel much calmer. We laughed and told stories about Grandpa which really hit home that he is gone for all of us. Things were not the same around there that for sure. I hope he realized how much of an impact he had on all of us.

Thursday, December 27, 2007

My Life/ Saying Goodbye

I said goodbye to My Grandpa today. They made the decision on Wednesday that there was nothing more they could do for him. My Grandma finally gave in and said to take him off all life support. So last night that is what they did. The last time he was able to speak which was last night he confirmed the decision he was ready to go. I was not going to go to the hospital to say one last goodbye I wanted to remember him on Christmas Eve, winking at my girls. Well last minute I decided to go and see him. I am very Thankful I did. His eyes had remained shut since last night. He looked very comfortable. I sat on his bed as if I were a little girl again and held his hand. I cried and told him how much he had meant to all of us and I was very Thankful to have had him in my life. I talked to him about Tyler and he squeezed my hand. The lady from hospice said that he could hear me but was just to weak to open his eyes. Whenever I mentioned my kids he would squeeze my hand. I stayed for about an hour, then I kissed him and told him I loved him and he bit the oxygen tube that he had in his mouth. It was almost like he was trying to kiss me back. It made me feel so good. He died 2 hours later. My Dad was with him and he said he went very peacefully. I am dealing with it much better than I thought but It helped saying goodbye to him. I always think in my head if I could just see Todd one more time and tell him how much I loved him and how proud of him I was, I would take it in a second. I got to do that with my Grandpa. He is finally home. No more being stuck in a hospital bed. Finally pain free.... Tyler is taking it the hardest. It has been such a tough year for that boy. If it's one thing I've learned this year we are all very strong. We are a stronger family for it. I really pray that 2008 brings some much needed peace for all of us.

Monday, December 24, 2007

My Life/ Merry Christmas..

My Grandpa is still holding on. He is out of ICU finally but he still is not doing well. He still has to wear the mask occasionally and it's not the mask that he hates this one is just a regular oxygen mask so that makes it a bit easier. John and I took the kids up there this morning. Now this is the first time that they have been able to see him since he has been in the hospital. You never can prepare someone for a sight like this. They are used to seeing their Grandpa up and about, talking, laughing, I felt really bad because they really did not know what to say. My Grandma was there and she tried waking him up and he just could not open his eyes. I tried, my Mom tried even the nurse took a cold wash cloth to his face and that did not work. Finally after about 15 minutes he woke up and be was so happy to see the kids. He can't talk so good so he kept waving and my favorite was every time he would look at the girls he would wink. He was overjoyed to see them. We brought him his Christmas gifts but he was to weak to open them so the kids got to. My Grandma has his room decorated he even had a small Christmas tree. I told him that Tyler would take over his job at Christmas tonight, which is taking care of all the wrapping paper during presents. It's so sad to see him like this. I watched John face as he looked at him for the first time. He was in shock and so sad, he had just seen my Grandpa Thursday night and he looked nothing like he did today. To me he looked better since I had seen him on Friday near death. Katie and Rich got there just when we were about to leave and they left when we did because she was really having a tough time seeing him like that. My Grandma kept talking about how she was going to home early this afternoon and get everything ready for tonight. Little did she know that when she got home there would not be much for her to do because My Mom and Aunt & the rest of the Grand kids all went over there this morning and set the table, peeled potatoes, we did everything all she has to do is turn things on. John shoveled the driveway and even my kids helped. Steph and Katie of course arrived late but we left them the dishes. Hopefully my Grandma will take a nap now instead of working. My kids are getting so excited about going to Grandma's tonight, the food, the presents but it just will not be the same without Grandpa. My kids have already had alot of gifts, we had Christmas with Johns family on Saturday. We all had a great time and the kids were really happy with all their gifts. So they are spoiled because they will get presents tonight and tomorrow we have our Christmas and then we go to my Mom's for presents. Today is Nanny's birthday, she is a Christmas Eve baby so we are heading over to her house soon for some cake. I hope everyone has a safe and Merry Christmas...

Friday, December 21, 2007

My Life/ Letting go...

I am coming to finally realize that my Grandpa will probably never go to his home here, instead he is going to be in Heaven and free of Cancer and of all the pain. He took a turn for the worse today. I seen him last night and I thought he looked horrible, well nothing could have ever prepared me for tonight. They moved him back to ICU and he now is receiving oxygen through a mask. Which is very uncomfortable for him. He has been complaining for days that he felt that he just can't breath, well today a different doctor came in and decided that something needed to be done because he was slowly slipping away. He is going to have a blood transfusion sometime tonight they are really hoping this helps. When I walked into the room, he was sleeping, he looked dead to me. I was so scared. My Grandma who has been every body's rock through all of this was just finally breaking down. I had to leave the room for a bit I felt like I could not breath. After about 20 minutes or so my Aunt came to get us because he was awake. He is suffering I could see it in his eyes. I was left alone with him for a bit so my Grandma could eat and let me tell you I was scared to be alone with him. I tried to talk I mean just talk his head off, he nodded and was trying so very hard to talk but because of the mask he can't. At first I said to him that he needed to get better that I was not ready for him to go, but the longer I sat there with him and looked into those eyes of his I could tell that's not what he wants. As hard as it was for me to say to him I said Grandpa do what is best for you. I want to be selfish and keep him around for as long as I can but I now really see that he wants to die. He kept trying to take the mask off and talk and I told my Mom I think he wants to tell us to just let him go. When I left I told him several times that I loved him. I prayed on the way out to the car, all I want is what's best for him and I do not want him to suffer anymore. If he needs to go home to Jesus, then that is where I want him. Am I still praying for a miracle absolutely, I will keep praying until he takes his last breath. The nurses tell us what happens tonight will tell alot. He's either going to get better or not. If he gets any worse they did promise me that they would call so that I could be there, as hard as it is seeing him like this I still need to be there especially for my Dad and Grandma. I just do not understand why people have to suffer. He is a good man anyone who knew him loved him. His dimples which most all of us kids get from him, just honestly light up a room. Why him? Why now? Why couldn't he just have gone in his sleep. I really do not know how I am going to make it through Christmas. I have to put on this happy face for my family and I don't feel happy, I feel pissed off and sad. After I got home tonight my Grandma called and said that they took the mask off for a minute to give him some type of medicine and sure enough he told my Grandma no more, he was done. He does not want to live like this. My Grandma said get some rest and we will see how you feel in the morning. I understand that this has got to be so tough on her. They have been married for 50 years, I would not want to give up either, but on the same hand when she needs to let him go I really hope she can do it. This whole thing is a huge nightmare. I guess all I can do right now is pray.

My Kids...

Thursday, December 20, 2007

My Life

Saint Theresa's Prayer

May today there be peace within.

May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be.

May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith.

May you use those gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you.

May you be confident knowing you are a child of God. Let this presence settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love.

It is there for each and every one of us.

My Life/ Picture of Todd as a baby...

The closer it gets to Christmas I think the more nervous I become. It will be our first Christmas since Todd's death. The reason I think I feel nervous is because I don't want to feel sad or see my family sad on that day. I don't want to feel that loss all over again. I think of Todd every day how can I not I see him so much in Emma but I try not to think of his death and that he is really not coming back to us. I have accepted the fact but it still hurts to bad when I think about it to much. Last Christmas my sister video taped Christmas at my Moms house for Todd and we all wished him a Merry Christmas and she sent it to him. She even filmed our Holiday food fight last year it was between Katie & John she got him with mashed potatoes which I am sure Todd got a kick out of. I felt bad last year because he had to miss Emma's first Christmas little did I know that he would be spending his very last Christmas in Iraq. Years ago when Todd and Steph would come home at Christmas we would make breakfast all of us together and Todd's specialty was French Toast he had a special way of making them, which I never admitted to him but they were really good. I only wish we could have had more time. I worry about my sister also she has been really down these last few day's I think she is starting to think of him more to. It does not help with my Grandpa being so sick. I don't think that I will be getting my wish for Christmas. I guess they found something new in him yesterday possibly more cancer so I think I will go up there tonight and try to get the truth out of my Grandma. He still is not eating on his own and he can't really walk so who knows I keep praying for a miracle.

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

My Life/ Old Pictures...

I was going through some old pictures on my computer and I ran across pictures of my nephew when he was born. It seems like forever ago that he was a newborn. I remember watching him be born aside from giving birth to my own three children it was one of the greatest experience's ever. (without the pain).... As most of you know my nephew was like my own my sister was not into the whole mother thing so Junior was pretty much left in me or my Mom's care. I'm happy to say that my Sister has changed her way's dramatically, I now get him usually once a week overnight at my request. I had him today and he is such a little man. He watches everything and takes it all in, he often looks so grumpy because he has such a serious look to him. This past year and a half has been rather difficult for me letting him go I don't talk about it much not even to John because the whole subject is rather touchy it caused many problems in our marriage at one point. At one point I believed that I was going to be able to adopt him as mine I really felt like he was mine. John warned me don't get to close because it will only hurt in the long run, but I did not listen of course and I fell head over heels for this little guy. He was always with us. I look back and I would do it all over again in a heart beat. How could I not. He needed me, sure maybe at some point I should have told my sister No take your child, but she had alot of growing up to do herself and I did what I felt I needed to do. After months of taking care of him it was so difficult to step back and let her be a mom to him, it has gotten much easier, but I still look at him a little differently I mean like my own. I may not have gone through the pain of giving birth to him but I had many sleepless nights and changed many dirty diapers. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of my sister she got herself out of a very bad relationship and found this wonderful guy that can put up with her and loves her boy as his own. I believe that there are no mistakes in life and she needed to find her own way. She has turned her life around and I am very happy for her and Junior. I'm very lucky that I still get to be such a large part of his life. He loves coming to Auntie's house. Today he was sitting on my lap looking a pictures on my computer and he seen a picture of John, he got so excited and said Uncle. After months of practicing Auntie he says's Uncle, Go figure!!!

Monday, December 17, 2007

My Life/ Great Wolf Lodge....

So we went to Great Wolf Lodge in Traverse City this past weekend. We started this about three years ago we always go the week before Christmas. The kids start to look forward to this trip starting in October and that's when I start saving for it. I must say that this year was by far the most enjoyable. My husband and I are really starting to realize that the older the kids get the easier they are to bring to places like this. Hailey had a blast and it was so nice that I did not have to carry her or chase her she just stayed right with us and was able to do everything the big kids could do. I must confess I am a tad bit jealous because she suddenly became a Daddy's girl over the weekend. She was Daddy's partner on the water slides because Kenzie wanted her time with Mommy. Which was nice for me but a tiny bit sad because usually Hailey only wants me to do things for her and by Sunday it was all about Daddy, which he was really enjoying!!! Tyler of course thought that we did not move fast enough to the water slides I can't tell you how many times I heard Come on Mom. We did manage to get a few more presents bought also which the kids were not to excited to be going shopping when we could be swimming. Tyler talked me into buying him a new pair of Heeley's( the shoes with wheels) he has out grown his old pair. The salesman talked me into these gel things that you put in the heels of the shoes and $75 later he was Heelying out of the store. Kids may get easier the older they get but they also get way more expensive. I think Wednesday will be cookie day around here, I don't have many kids that day so I figure I will start in the afternoon and have the kids help once they get home from school. I started doing this many years ago I make a variety of Christmas cookies for friends and family and every year the list seems to get longer. So I am planning on Wednesday but to those of you that receive these cookies don't hold me to it the day is subject to change because of all the craziness around here.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

My Life/ Finally I get to see my Grandpa

Well I finally got to see my Grandpa tonight. Yesterday my Grandma called me and told me that they could not regulate his heart and things were not looking well for him and that if we wanted to see him we should come in the next few days. That was just awful to hear from my Grandma she is always so positive. So we were going to go last night and my Grandma called and said not to come because the roads were so bad. So at their request we did not go. She also wanted my sisters to come with John and I. I knew hearing this things were not good. Needless to say I could not sleep last night without medication. It's all I could think about today, what was I going to say to him? How was he going to look? I was so nervous.. All of us went not quite sure what to expect. We walk in to him actually sitting up eating, which my Grandma said he has not done in days. He's thin I mean really thin and he looks really old. I felt much better when he started complaining about the food and that it was dry, that's the Grandpa I know, soon he had all of us cracking up laughing, I can see what a little pistol he can be for the nurses up there. Don't get me wrong he is a very sick man but I still seen a bit of the fight left in him. I wanted to hug him but we were not allowed to touch him. He had some moments where he would talk out of his mind but all in all he seemed to be with it. To me he looked bad but to my Mom and Grandma they said he looked 100% better. They are even considering moving him out of critical care and to a regular room. And Maybe just maybe with the help of a visiting nurse he will be able to spend Christmas at home with his family. That is the only thing I want for Christmas this year, I want one more Christmas at my Grandma's with my Grandpa in his chair with all his family surrounding him. (I Promise I will be good Santa) Thanks again for all your prayers.

Sunday, December 9, 2007

My Life/ Okay I'm just wondering?????

Am I ever going to have a boring day where nothing happens? I am really starting to wonder.. I thought maybe yesterday was the day but as luck would have it I was wrong. We started out great we went to have breakfast with Santa which was great, after that we went to get our Christmas tree with the Mott family, which also was great. After setting the tree up we rushed to the Christmas parade where we froze but we had alot of fun. Here is where the story turns, John decides that he is going to go to work and I would bring him dinner later and I was going to do some shopping with the kids. John leaves and I am on the phone with my Mom and Tyler is getting in the hard candy dish, we have a container for hard candy and a container for the rest of the candy the kids can eat, well I watched him reach for the hard candy knowing earlier John told all the kids that they were not to eat any hard candy that they got from the parade. Tyler popped a butterscotch in his mouth and within a second he is choking. He is freaking out, Mom I am choking, oh Mom I do not want to die running around coughing just in great panic I tell my Mom I have to go because I need to call 911 if I can't help him. Oh course she freaks out and sends Uncle Rich over which arrives at my house in less than a minute. But in that time I grabbed Tyler from behind and placed my hands under his rib cage a pushed and out flew I mean literally flew across the kitchen his whole butterscotch. Uncle Rich arrives and we are all really shaken. I mean My body is shaking so hard I did not know what to do with myself. Rich holds Tyler because he is crying and my Mom comes busting in next and I just started crying like a 2 year old. I must say after all I have been through this past year this was by far the most traumatic for me. Seeing My son, My baby so scared and freaking out so bad really frightened the hell out me. Needless to say I threw away every piece of hard candy in my house and made Ty promise that he would never eat any hard candy even at school. That night I could not sleep I made Tyler sleep with me, I just needed to hold him. I think he felt the same because earlier in the night my Mom and I took the kids (all five of them out to dinner and shopping) and Tyler did not leave my side. I just pray that I never have to do that again. Waking up this morning from hardly no sleep, my Mom calls it's my Grandpa they had to put him back in ICU, still no visitors and something is now wrong with his heart. My Mom and Dad were able to see him and they both said he looks terrible. Later today we found out that he also has a staph infection. They inserted some type of tube in his chest not sure what for because I am pretty much banned from the hospital. I mean I would hope that they are going to let us see him if he gets any worse. I do understand because they can't take any chances of him getting more sick from our germs but on the same hand I really need to see him in case something happens. I hate the fact that he is suffering. He hates hospitals and he is stuck in one and in so much pain. I tried to finish my Christmas shopping today he is one of my last people I need to buy for and I can't find anything. I keep thinking maybe the reason I can't find anything is because he is not going to be here. The thought of it makes me feel ill. I can't imagine my life without him in it. I'm just going to keep praying, things have got to settle down at some point right?

Friday, December 7, 2007

My little Wonder's......

My Life/ Is there really a Santa?

Oh that dreaded question of Moms with young children. Is Santa real Mom???? I thought I would be having this conversation with my son, I mean he is the oldest. Nope it was with my 7 year old daughter Mackenzie while shopping in Target.. She took me by surprise. She casually states Mom I don't think that there really is a Santa, is there Mom? I'm trying to think fast so I ask her a question. I asked why do you think that Santa is not real? She then tells me, it is just not possible. I asked her well who brings you all the presents? Well dah you and my Dad. Hmmm do I lie or tell her the truth? I basically did neither. I told her that Christmas was about magic and that Santa was magical. She smiled and just dropped it. All who know Kenzie this is just like her to drop it and move onto the next thing. So I never brought it up again hopefully she gives me one more Christmas of believing. Tyler is 10 and he has never questioned Santa. Go figure... I am crazy when it comes to wrapping the gifts from Santa in different wrapping paper, I also use different tags and pens I even change up my handwriting. John thinks I am nuts, but I just want them to believe for as long as possible. It kinda takes the fun out of Christmas when you stop believing. A quick update to my crazy life.... My Uncle was well enough to be released from the hospital yesterday. I'm praying that he takes the help he has been offered and starts enjoying life. My Grandpa on the other hand is back in the hospital because he is so sick from the Chemo. He is not allowed any visitors which I am really having a hard time with. I really hope that this all comes together before the Holiday. I am determined to have a great one! Thank you so much to everyone that wrote me and called to check on me. I have many great friends in my life that I am so very thankful for.

Monday, December 3, 2007

My Life/ Confused.....

I just got back from the hospital where I was visiting my uncle. He tried to kill himself this morning. I can't believe that I just typed that. My uncle, my favorite uncle tried to end his life today. Thank God he did not succeed. He has been on a downward spiral now for months now but NEVER did I think it would come down to this. My Mom called this afternoon on her way to the hospital to tell me. You know you are never prepared to hear those words. Hearing my Mom so upset I just wanted to cry for her. This was her big brother someone she had always looked up to. I am so confused how can a 50 year old man with a wife and many kids, 2 grand kids, tons of friends and a family that love and care so much about him feel he needed to end his life. I asked him flat out what was so bad about your life? He weeped when telling me that he really did not know, he could not answer. To know this man he is the most put together 50 year old I know, he loves his looks they are very important to him and he loves his kids. He is the best Dad, I used to pretend he was my Dad growing up. He did so much for all of us. His youngest child is around Tyler's age, what the hell was he thinking? Seeing him just lying there in his hospital bed just bothered me so bad. He wanted to talk tell me everything which kinda shocked me. He said he had it planned for day's. He picked a remote spot in the woods, bought some type of Dryer hose. Left the house in the middle of the night. Drove to his location, hooked it up and just waited.... Waited to die. He thought he would just fall unconscious and peacefully die. That did not happen. He told me that after about 20 minutes he wanted to stop, he changed his mind but he just could not. That would mean that he would have to face everyone so he sat there for almost 3 hours, just getting sick, having weird visions. Finally he thought God must not want me to die today. He actually drove home to his wife. She said he was so yellow and his hair was sticking straight up, she just knew what he had done. By now he is really sick. She drives him to ER. They can't believe he is alive. He had a diesel truck lucky for him, I guess that makes a difference. He is still not out of the woods yet. His throat and lungs are burned in fact all around his mouth is burned. He is at high risk for a heart attack, they have him in ICU. He could have lasting affects of this on his body. I have never seen anyone like this. I tried so hard to get my Mom to come home with me or at least eat but all my attempts failed. On the way home from the hospital my sister and I just sat in Silence for the longest time. Finally she just started crying. Why has this been such a terrible year for our family? I have no answer for her. First we loose Todd in such a tragic way, then my dear grandpa finds out that he has cancer. So not only are we all dealing with this bad news, now we have my poor uncle who obviously needs some help. I feel like I am living in a movie. My life always has some type of drama. I'm trying to be there for everybody else, trying to find the right words to make things better and it is just one of those times that I am at a loss. All I do know is that my uncle has been given this second chance and my hope for him is that he gets the help he needs and starts enjoying his life once again.

Sunday, December 2, 2007

My Life/ Hailey is turning into Mackenzie!

It's true right before my very eyes Hailey is turning into Mackenzie. Not only do they look alike they now act alike. They love the same foods for example they both can't get enough of bread and butter. I mean tons of butter, I think they would each eat just butter if I let them. Hailey has to do everything her big sister does. And now that Hailey is getting taller it's like seeing Mackenzie as a 3 year old all over again. It scares me a bit I mean they even walk the same. And when I get after one of them the other one jumps right to her defense. They are ganging up on me. They are to cute though and I am so glad that they are so close. I mean sisters are the best thing I have no idea what I would do without mine. Sure they drive you crazy at times but at the end of the day they are always there for you. Speaking of which one of my Sisters is taking my niece to Ohio for the week. I am going to have Emma withdrawls. Hurry home Steph we are going to miss you two.