Oh how I miss blogging

I have been thinking about getting back into blogging for a while, this was always a place I could express myself through writing and was always something I really enjoyed until facebook pretty much took over. So many new things have happened since my last post way over a year ago.. My life has been so crazy busy I can hardly keep up with anything. The daycare pretty much consumes my life lately and can you believe it I have been officially licenced for over a year and a half now? I cant believe how I thought that one piece of paper could turn my life upside down and I look back on how scared I was of this change and it seems that ever since then my life has only been more blessed because of it. Now it seems so stupid that I was so terrified of this change. I thought things would slow down once school started but I guess that's not the case, which is a good thing. We celebrated Tyler's 14th birthday yesterday. Hard to believe that I have a 14 year old, honestly I look over at him and still look for any glimpses of that little boy playing with his buzz light year. When people tell you that your kids really grow up to fast, they sure weren't lying. Although I wish I could keep them small forever I do feel excited to see what great things their future has in store for them. With that being said I cant believe I will be 35 years old next month WOW, that seems so strange, other than the fact of feeling tired out I really don't feel like I am going to be be 35. I look back on my life and all I think about is how fast it seems to be going. I question my actions at times, have I been a good enough mom to my kids, or a good enough wife to my husband? Have I cherished my life with them enough? Sadly as much as I would like to say YES I know that I could always be better. When your kids are younger you just kinda think ok I just need to get through this age or stage and then life will be easier, I wont worry so much but sadly the older they get the more complicated my life becomes, walking , potty training, first day of kindergarten all these worries turn into who's going to carpool, first loves, first heartbreaks, having "the talk" lots of tears from the kids (and me)... drivers training and so on... The worry never goes away and I wish I could go back to when they were all babies and have a couple do overs. I would enjoy their birthdays more instead of just getting through them. I was always so worried about the parties and never took the time to enjoy the actual moment. Another thing is I would have video taped them more when they were younger. I miss hearing those tiny voices. I look back at this blog and the one thing I love is that it has so many memories that I shared about each one of them and my life. For this I am very grateful and gives me all the more reason for starting again...

Letter's to Heaven

Dear Todd, I woke up this morning thinking about you, I wondered if I had dreamed about you or if you were just on my mind. I have so many things I wish I could tell you. I cant believe it's been 3 years since you left this earth. I still have to pinch myself because it still does not seem real. Every time I drive by the airport I think of that awful day that they brought what was left of you home. My gut aches writing about it. Can you believe that your little girl is going to be 4 in October. Todd she is beautiful.... She is strong, smart and just an amazing little girl. She will often ask me about you, she asked me "did you love my Daddy?" I share many stories about us butting heads, but I always tell her of course I loved your Daddy. The older she gets I know the more curious she will become. Its hard because on days that she's upset with her Mom she will cry for you. It breaks my heart because she will really never know you the way we do. She has your attitude for sure and she is bossy. We used to call you teacher Todd well she is teacher Emma, she often corrects me which I am sure you would find hilarious. She loves chocolate, I mean really loves chocolate. She is a take charge kind of girl, she loves to give her Mama a hard time. She is so excited about starting school next year and says she wants to be just like her Kenzie. When I think of all that you have missed and will miss, it hurts more that any words can ever express, and what hurts even more is that I am going to have to watch her do these things without her Daddy. I could have used some help with that wife of yours, she seems to be lost at times, I try my best to keep picking her up but I can only do so much. I keep praying that someone good will enter in her life and really love her and Emma. Tyler is awesome, he is a great kid with a big heart. He has become quite the baseball player. He still brings up to me how you were able to attend his practices and a few games on leave. It meant so much to him. Mackenzie is a wonderful girl, she is getting so big she reminded me the other day how you were first to hold her at hospital when she was born. Hailey gets upset because when we talk about you she cant remember, only through pictures. Todd you would have loved her, she is something else, you would love her personality for sure. I have not forgotten your love for kids, especially mine. You were a wonderful Uncle. So much has changed especially at the holidays, we lost you and Grandpa the same year, you at Easter and Grandpa at Christmas, it was a tough year that's for sure. Holidays are just not the same, those chairs remain empty. I like to think that you and Grandpa are together up in heaven sharing laughs. I am blessed to have known you and had you in my family.

Q&A

1. What is your current obsession? Really ME have an obsession no way! Lets see my obsessions can vary day to day even hour to hour as my husband would say, but my most current one is making sure Im ready for my inspection. I am constantly going through drawers looking for things that should not be there.

2. What are you wearing today? Jeans and a sweat shirt go figure....

3. What’s for dinner? Im thinking its a grilled cheese kinda night since Ty has basketball practice :)

4. What’s the last thing you bought? I bought a Calendar and some storage tubs.

5. What are you listening to right now? My Dad talking away on the phone to me about his job.

6. If you could have a house totally paid for, fully furnished anywhere in the world, where would you like it to be? John and I have talked about this many times, we would love to live somewhere south, we both do not enjoy the winters here.

7. What is one thing you want to change about yourself? I wish I was able to not worry so much. I tend to take on everyone elses problems and carry them in my heart and in my mind, John tells me a lot lately that he worries I will someday give myself a heart attack worrying about things I cant control.

8. If you could go anywhere in the world for the next hour, where would you go? I would go to a nice warm beach with my family and just enjoy every second with them.

9. Which language do you want to learn? I would love to learn french

10. What’s your favorite quote? you are only as good as what YOU GIVE... I tell my children this daily...

11. Would you cook for me? of course what would you like???


12. What is the right way to avoid people who purposefully hurt you? Hmm Im not really to good at this one, I guess maybe act as if they have not hurt me but I tend to think that if you completely do that you are living in a pretend world. I have given this a lot of thought lately due to my situation, my only answer is to carry on living my life as I did before and if I run into that person I would just basically act as if they were no one to me and go on with my day.

13. What are you afraid of the most? Anything happening to one of my kids, this includes all my kids (daycare and my niece and nephews)

14. Who do you want to meet right now? I would be thrilled to meet anyone famous :)

15. What is your favorite color? Purple for sure!

16. Give us 3 styling tips that work for you. Wow I got nothing......

17. What is your dream job? Well I always wanted to be a social worker (go figure) but now it looks as if I may be a teacher someday. I found out that one of the perks for being a licenced daycare provider they offer many scholarships for a teaching degree.

18. What’s your favorite magazine? love the gossip ones US Weekly is my favorite :)

19. If you had $100 now, what would you spend it on? something for the house

20. What do you consider a fashion faux pas? wow no time to even think about this one.

21. Who, according to you, is the most over-rated writer? no idea nor do I really care :)

22. What brings a smile on your face instantly? John always does even when we are fighting he has the ability to turn a bad situation into a funny one (which often ticks me off more at the time) and of course my kids I love everything about them.

23. What is one word that you say a lot? WOW I say this way to often but then again if you know my family and all the drama you know why...

24. What kind of haircut do you prefer? Not one in particular I would often like to go alittle shorter for mine but my husband hates short hair.

25. What are you going to do after this? Feed my sweet nephew some baby food and read the other kids a story :)

26. What do you do when you are feeling low or terribly depressed? This will sound stupid to some but I go into my bedroom in the dark cry my eyes out and talk to God, he is the only one with answers and that can help.

27. What makes you go wild? Wow you may have to ask John that one.

28. What are your favorite movies? Sixteen Candles is my all time favorite. But I really enjoy all movies

29. What inspires you? People with faith and that are not afraid to show it and people who just help others not because they have to but just because...

30. What do your friends call you most commonly? to my face Shelly, Shell John calls me Belle, behind my back a few names come to mind lol

31. Would you prefer coffee or tea? tea, cant stand coffee

32. Which other blogs do you love visiting? My friends

33. What is your favorite dessert/sweet? cheesecake and I love any kind of fruity candy...

34. How many tabs are turned on in your browser right now? One.

35. When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was the first thing you thought? Wow Im looking (turning) into my Mother...

36. What is your favorite season? Summer, I love the heat :)

37. What is one wish that you really want to see come true? For my kids to have all the happiness in the world.

38. What breaks your heart? I have to agree with Lea, seeing Emma breaks my heart especially when she asks me about her Daddy. At church this past Sunday there was a chalk artist and she drew at picture and it had Jesus watching over all of us and Emma said hey my Daddy is with that Jesus. I want to see him, I just lost it at that moment.

39. What's one thing you really want to do in life? I want to be the best person, wife, mom, daughter, aunt, friend that I can possibly be. Someday when Im gone I want to be remembered as that person :) I pray that God will continue to use me as a tool to help others in their lives :)

Almost there...

Well I am on the home stretch of this license business, well lets pray they find nothing major (expensive) that I have to do... I cant believe that it has not even been a month since I received my letter. I remember feeling so hopeless and helpless at the beginning of this whole process and although I still have my doubts my confidence is building with each new day. I feel like I am up for the challenge. I had my class on Thursday in Grand Rapids, which was very informative and helpful. Now all I have is my CPR stuff this weekend and I will be calling my consultant Monday to schedule my inspection. I did have a very strange thing happen to me on Wednesday though, I have been praying this past month for closure because I cant help but wonder who turned me in. This whole time in the back of my mind I was thinking I knew who this person was and I had been trying to make her feel guilty basically trying to see if she would come clean with me. On Wednesday I got this letter about my so called "investigation" and basically it was saying that my case was closed because I am in full compliance. Great news but at the bottom of this 3 page letter it had my name, address BUT not my phone number. I showed my sister and she joked maybe it was the person who turned me in phone number. I thought no way would they make a mistake like that. I googled it in and to my surprise it was another Daycare in my neighborhood phone number. One of the same people who offered their help to me after all this happened. Her son and my son go to school together. Now coincidence that her number just happened to be on there, I think not, lets think about this. In order to write me this letter they had to pull my report up which in turn would state who turned in me and their info. I firmly believe this was Gods way of giving me my closure. This couple probably never told a sole that they had done this, I mean we have a ton of mutual friends, they thought I could never find out if they never told. I guess it goes to show you the power of prayer. I could not let it rest, my feelings have been so crushed. But now that I know I feel like I can move forward. She and her husband as of today are still on my facebook page I want them to know I know. I thought maybe she would have the guts to email me or call and explain. The funny thing is back when I told her what had happened to me I would have respected her if she would have owned it then, at least give me your reasons why she did it, wether it be because she thought if she had to follow the rules then so should I. I would have been upset but believe it or not I would have felt better knowing the truth. My honest opinion is that she was just jealous, I heard she had been losing kids and she is (for now) a friend on my facebook page she probably did not like seeing all the stuff John and I are able to do with are kids. Jealously can make people do evil things. She also probably seen all the nice comments my friends leave me for watching their kids. Little did she know I do not make a ton of money, I watch a lot of family in which I do not get paid for and all these other kids they only come once or twice a week. Now thanks to her I cant watch my nephews anymore due to the fact I have to get paid. Try looking at my sweet nephew Jrs eyes and tell him why he cant stay with his Auntie anymore. Shame on her in my eyes. I was helping family and friends at a very low cost. But I believe that everything happens for a reason and God used her evil as a tool to bless my family. In the long run we are better for it. Just getting there is the hardest part. But Im doing it, as much as change causes me anxiety I am pushing my way through all of it. Im stronger for it.

Changes

I cant believe how bad I have become with this blog, my life has just been crazy, really there are no other words to describe it. We had wonderful holidays filled with laughter and a few tears, Holidays are always hard when you are missing loved ones that should still be here. It puts your life into perspective though, cherish the people you love the most.. My kids are all getting so big, thats all I can really say without busting into tears. As many of you already know or have heard from others, I have been the hot topic of gossip I guess over this whole daycare thing, so I thought I would post the facts. First off I am NOT going to jail lol, thats the newest one I heard just this morning, and I do not have a $500 fine or any fine for that matter, its funny how one person tells a story and it gets totally blown out of proportion and so on. So here goes the story, really I must warn you its not all that exciting though. Almost 2 weeks ago on a Friday I received a letter stating that the state had received information that I have been watching other people kids.. And if I had I needed to get my license or stop watching kids all together. NO jail time or FINES were ever mentioned in this letter. Well getting this letter as you can imagines rocked my world and then to get it on a Friday made not for the greatest weekend for me. As everyone knows I have been doing this since Tyler was a baby, I often worried about getting caught but never really thought someone would turn me in. John had been trying to push me to get my license for quite some time but I knew that it was not an easy process and it comes with a ton of rules and guidelines. I always pushed it to the back burner, I knew that if I did I would not be able to have as many part time kids as I do because you have to actually make good money for this process to work and to benefit from all of it. I was not sure it was worth all the hassle and worry. But now thanks to someone else I have no other choice but to push full force with the license. After the shock wore off the tears came and the anxiety and should I say hurt. I was so hurt that someone could actually do this to me. I am so nice to everyone, why is it someone else's business how I help feed my family. I would never dream of turning someone in for this. Its not like I am making a fortune at all. If its not hurting anyone why does it matter. Lots of people have jobs where they get paid under the table. I think that it should also be a parents choice of who they send their kids to, just because you have a license does not make you a good sitter. I can say that I have given my heart, my patience and my home 100 percent to these kids. Not just anybody could do what I do. So for someone to do this to me, yes I took it very personal, and once I got past that the reality of all the changes set in. John downloaded the application for me and WOW it was a bit much to take in at first. But thanks to some wonderful people I had much of it completed within the first week, John was laughing at me because once I start something I like to finish it asap so stuff that would have taken weeks to do, I got done right away. That first weekend I was a walking zombie, other daycare providers were telling me this is a good thing, I will be way better off financially in the long run. This person actually did me a favor. I would feel good about it one minute and then bust into tears the next. But then after so many tears I started to see things in a better perspective. John and I and our kids had been praying before bed as a family for months leading up to this, praying that things would look up for us financially, Johns work is so up and down and things have been so up in the air just like for many families. John can only take so much of my crying before he blows and when he finally did, he asked me if it ever occurred to me that this was God answering our prayers. He was right, I would have never done this on my own, so maybe this is just what I have to do to get to something better. Then at church for the last two Sundays I have gotten the answers I needed that this was the direction that God knew I needed to be on. Some may call me crazy, and a few years ago I would have never imagined that I would be following Gods word so closely , but believe me I have never felt closer. With that being realized it has made this whole process much easier, I still worry, and I still have a hard time seeing so much of the good about it, but I have faith that things will work out, they always do. I am happy to report that the application was sent in along with a ton a money, and now I am in the waiting mode. I am waiting to hear about my class, after my class I am close like with one to two weeks close. Thankfully my sister has agreed to be my helper until after summer when I can search for a new one. Because anytime I have over 6 kids I have to have a helper, so I will be looking to hire someone after summer. So many changes coming to the Carnes household but lets pray all good ones.

This is what Middle School looks like!

Its official I have a son in Jr High, a very handsome one at that. I picked him to blog about today because this boy amazes me with each new day. He looks so much like his father and obviously inherited his sports skills from him but he is so me when it comes to his heart. Well I cant really say all me when it comes to his heart because he did break up with his girlfriend via text which for the record I thought was a very jerky thing to do but granted he is only 11 years old. Anyway John and I have always spoiled this kid rotten, maybe because he was our first and he is a boy I have no idea but the kid is one lucky guy. We would often ask each other if maybe we have made things to easy for him, given him to much stuff, we famously say the line "when we were kids, we never got that" As parents I don't think you really know until they are older how well you have done instilling values in them. Lately I have been starting to see that he actually gets things. He feels sympathy and empathy which so many adult men often lack. We had to pick up a football friend that needed a ride last night. This boy looks like he has had a hard life, and may still be having a tough time, his neighbor hood is a bit rough and his parents are divorced, I wish I knew the whole story but I don't. Well we dropped him off to an empty house at 7:30 last night, he had a house key and we think his Mom was working, Tyler was a bit interested in why he was going home to be alone. Not knowing the true reason I said maybe it's because they don't have anyone else to take care of him at night, its probably their only option. After a bit of discussion we dropped it and this morning Tyler was getting ready and he mentioned to me about his friend, how much it bothered him. He said Mom I am so thankful that I have you and Dad and that he appreciates all that we do for him, and that he feels lucky. I wanted to cry, I feel like he does get it. After I had kids and the older I get the more I want them to know that life is not always fair, good people can be poor people, just because someone has a big beautiful home does not make them worth more that someone that lives in a shack. We all do it at some point in our lives we judge, I do, If I had my pick of a dirty kid and a clean kid to hug, I would pick the clean one. Which when you think about it, is not right or fair. Every kid deserves that hug. I work so hard at trying to get my kids to fit in, I sometimes forget the moral of the story. Its not about what you have its about who you are. The same can be applied to my life, friendships should not be about who you are or what your status is, it should be about who we really are deep inside, and having sympathy and empathy for one another. Its about being honest and not being afraid to show your own weaknesses. If you do have a friend like that consider yourself very lucky because they are very hard to come by. Tyler just started 6th grade, he has a long road ahead of him, many people will try and will crush his spirit, I just hope he always has the guts to be who he really is. I watch him with some of his friends that are not his football friends, he trys so hard to help them fit in. He really is a very nice boy with a great big kind heart, I just pray that he stays that way.

I'm Back

So I realize that I have pretty much abandoned my blog this summer. But hopefully now that fall is approaching fast I can jump back on the blogging wagon. Summer has been so busy. I'm looking forward to hopefully slowing things down a bit (if thats even possible). Life has been feeling so crazy with school starting. I find myself waking up in the middle of the night unable to fall back asleep, worried about all the new changes. Tyler is starting middle school, Mackenzie is starting at Ealy and Hailey will be going to school all day at shoreline. This is nuts, I have no more babies at home. It does not feel right to me. Not to mention the looming heart issue with Mackenzie, some days I want to explode carrying the weight of all these worries. Ultimately I know things will work out, the kids will adjust to school, I'll adjust to them being gone during the day, and Mackenzie the most important obstacle right now will get taken care of. I can honestly say that when you think theres a possibilty of something being wrong with one of your kids it really puts life into perspective for you. I did nothing but cry for the first 3 days after Kenzies EKG coming back abnormal, I remember thinking life was so good, and now I'm worried about my girl having a heart condition. It was all I thought about, it has made me more patient, and more eager to express all my love to each of my children. I pray every day that she will be ok, and I know that ultimately it's all in God's hands. Some days are easier than others but on the flip side she is doing much better, her heart palpitations are not nearly as bad as they were, so in the mean time, we wait until the 24th, and pray for good news. So here's to my hopeful comeback to bloggerland..

Memorial Day Weekend...

Summer is fast approaching FINALLY!!! We went camping at Poncho's Pond in Ludington over the weekend. This had been a long anticipated camping trip for the kids we started planning it when we got back from birch run in April ( we have to have something to look forward too.) Everyday for the past 2 weeks Hailey would ask are we going camping tomorrow, so needless to say they were very excited.. We wanted to try somewhere new and a little further away from home. A friend of ours had recommended poncho's. Beautiful park, we loved it. We reserved an extra night so that we could haul it Thursday night when there was less traffic and that way we could have it all set up so that when we got there Friday afternoon we could enjoy it. When we left Thursday night it was very warm and sunny here the further north we got it got cloudier and the temp was dropping, we were thinking great just our luck. By the time we had arrived the temp dropped 10 degrees. We get things all set up and took the kids to the indoor pool. We returned home and came back the following afternoon to perfect weather, sunny skies and very warm temps. In fact the kids were able to swim every afternoon in the outdoor pool for at least 2 hours, they had a blast. I would have to say that this was by far the best camping trip we we have had in a long time. Not because of the campground I mean we have fun when we camp at Silver Creek and Yogi but because it was the easiest with the kids, we were able to sit and relax without chasing kids, no crying fits, it was wonderful. Tyler had some friends that were camping there so he was out having a good time with them a lot of the time. He even slept over with them for a night. So we really got to concentrate on the girls which they loved. John took us on a 2 hour hike at the state park on Sunday morning which was fun but a lot of work. We did not realize all the hills that were involved. Poor John had to carry Hailey on a good portion of those hills. One of my favorite parts of the weekend was the camp fires. My girls fell asleep on each of us each night and John and I would sit and talk, something that we rarely get to do anymore with sports and with all the people in and out of my house every day with Daycare. It was so nice!! So here's to the start of warmer weather, sunny skies and making more memories with family!!

Relay for Life 2009

Last weekend was the relay for life, Happy to announce that our team (Team Gavin) came in 3rd over all. I think our team raised over $5000, and total for the relay was over 50,000 which is amazing considering how the economy is right now. My kids and I put in about 5 miles that night. Which was not that bad considering how windy and cold the weather was. What a crappy Saturday for relay to fall on. We were literally outside all day and all evening. We were up early to make it to Isaac and Allisons soccer game, I had found out the night before that Kendall, Ryleigh and Aiden all played at the same time as the other two so I thought this will be perfect I catch a bit of each of their games all in the same day. After that we went to relay praying for the sun to pop out and possibly warm things up a bit, no such luck. My kids and John included could not not take the bitter cold, so we did a few laps and left for lunch and John and Ty went to baseball practice and the kids and I headed to Jr's birthday party which was also outside. By now I am just numb, the kids were fine because they were running around playing. After that back to relay we went, thankfully the wind finally calmed down later in the evening and once we started walking that helped us stay warm. Miss Hailey I was so proud of, she walked the whole time, I had Alex in the stroller so she had no choice but to walk and she did not complain once. She was the smart one, when we came back she wore her winter coat and hat. We did not make it to hear the reading of the names which disappointed me a bit but we were cold and tired. Kudos for all those who made it the entire night, it's a tough thing to do. Also to Mashawn for being the absolute strongest woman I know. Everyday I wonder how she does it, she has been through so much with Gavins illness and death and yet she still manages to roll out of bed everyday and often gives me comfort with all her stories about Gavin. I have always known that these kids with cancer are very special and God gives them special Moms to be there and care for them and Mashawn is no exception. The sacrifices she has made and the person she has become just inspires me every day that I see her. God brought them into my life and for that I will always be grateful and thankful and I am a better person for it.. Also thank you to those of you who donated money on my behalf, every bit counts!

what to do, what to do....

I had a meeting with Hailey's teacher and speech teacher and one of her teachers for next year this morning. It had been decided earlier in the school year that Hailey would attend morning kindergarten and the pals program in the afternoon. For those of you who don't know Hailey attends ECSE 4 half days a week, mainly for her speech, Tyler also had to take this class for his speech at 4 years old. It is a really great program for kids with special needs. Not that is a SLOW class let me clarify some kids need help with speech while others need help with fine motor skills and so on, I don't like to label kids. I remember putting Tyler in the class and one of my good friends said to me "but look at who he is with do you really want him in a class with kids like that". Hmm I did not quite know what to say to that, especially being a friend in all. I felt like gee's I hope not everyone perceives the classes like that. So from that point on I have always been a bit sensitive to responses I may get for those who care to voice their opinion. Anyway it helped Tyler with his speech and get a head start of the whole school transition. So when Hailey was struggling with speech I got her tested and welcomed the idea of her attending. The first half the school year she spoke to no one not even her teacher which surprised me she because she is the most talkative child I have. Well around February she finally started opening up a bit. Well because of her age and her progress her teacher decided that kindergarten was best and Pals in the afternoon, pals is a smaller group of kids that work on everything, speech,and everything you learn in kindergarten so it would be just more added help. Because of her speech difficulty she struggles with explaining herself or telling a story, pals will aim at her struggling areas and give her the extra help she needs. Well at kindergarten round up she was tested by the young fives teacher. The results are in, she spoke hardly nothing to her, and what she did speak she was very soft with her words. She did not answer questions that she knew the answers to because her teacher had gone over them with her. So based on the young fives teachers findings she recommends young fives which I am totally fine with my other two attended young fives because of their ages but Hailey just turned 5 which means she will always be the older one in her class, which in all honesty does not bother me but my fear is someday it may bother her. After talking with John he agrees with the teachers Hailey could use the extra time and help before kindergarten, I mean we would hate to see her struggle later in life and have to be held back or something in the future. I swear this is one of the harder things in raising kids, the regrets we may face later on for the choices we make now. My mind is trying to think logically but my heart often over takes my logic thinking. She's my baby so the whole school thing is such a struggle anyway. One teacher tells me that based on her findings she is totally ready for kindergarten and then the young 5's teacher tells me she is not. The decision is mine. I have great respect for each of these teachers, but ultimately its my daughter. I do not want her to struggle, I am sure I am going to go with young fives because Miss Claus has never steered me wrong before but I just need a bit of time to be sure.

Happy 5th Birthday Hailey

Early Mothers Day card

So I received a very special Mother's Day card today from Miss Alli. This one is definitely a keeper, something that I am going to tuck away and show her someday later in life. I can't tell you how many pictures this girl has made me over the years, I think I have received as much stuff from her as I do from my own kids. She loves to draw and she is really good at it. I love how she sounded out my name. Also the three girls at the bottom are as follows: Mackenzie, Alli and Me, Too stinkin cute, So thank you Alli, you have no idea how much wonderful that made me feel after the week I have had. Also not to leave Isaac and Ash out they also gave me a very nice card and signed their names to it, Thank you TenBrink family for thinking of me as a second Mom. Love you all!!

Oh how the years go by

Last weekend we took the kids summer shopping at Birch Run for the weekend. My kids always look forward to the staying in the hotel part of the trip more than the shopping part. I love the saving money part and getting away from housework for the weekend. It was probably our best shopping trip yet. Tyler even enjoyed the shopping part since he is all about picking out his clothes now, I learned never to send him shopping alone with his Dad though, they came back with 15 shirts and 2 pairs of shorts. We were remembering our first trip to Birch run, Tyler was maybe 2 years old and we had gone with my Mom and sister, Tyler was a very slow talker so he did not say many words and he said the word "eat" on that trip, you would have thought we won the lotto hearing him say that simple little word. Now many simple words later here we were shopping with our 11 year old. Time sure fly's. Its hard for me to sometimes think about just how big they all are now. My Baby will be 5 in May. That seems crazy to me, she will go to morning kindergarten next school year and the PALS program in the afternoon, that means she will be at school all day long. That has been very hard to swallow being my last baby. And Mackenzie aka big mama will be at Ealy in the fall. That means I will have a kid at each school all of them going all day long. How crazy does that seem? It feels as if I am losing a piece of me slowly with each new day. John and I have really been talking about how old they are getting but it often ends with both of us getting choked up with the thought of them not needing their Mom and Dad so much anymore. Its weird because when they are small you can't wait for all their firsts. Then you maybe add one or two more kids to the mix and you the world as you know it is turned upside down with crying fits, diapers, strollers everywhere you go you create a scene and you wish for the day where they can take care of themselves and you can sleep a full night without being awaken by a little one crawling into bed with you. Now that we have finally reached that point I cant help but feel a bit sad. Mackenzie's little mini mouse voice that she used to have at 3 years old, its gone and I can never get that back. Although I am looking forward to easier vacations, spending more quality time with each now that they are older a part of me wishes I could freeze time and have them stay just as they are now. Twelve years ago being pregnant with Tyler I never could have imagined being so in love with 3 totally different kids that call me Mom. God has sure blessed me...

Remembering Todd

A Bit Calmer these Days.

These past couple weeks have been crazy busy for me. We have had tons of Birthday parties to attend, Tyler wrapped up basketball season and tomorrow baseball season officially starts. I have to admitt, I love watching baseball way more than basketball. Many of you who talk to me on a daily basis know that I have been struggling again with my OCD. Well the obsessive part. I went to the soctor last week and was checked from head to toe with a magnifying glass and bright light in search of any signs of skin cancer. I had a weird looking mole on my breast that had gotton larger over the past few months. He first checked that and said that was 100% not cancer. Then he excamined the rest of my body, I have had this mole right under my collar bone since I can remember, he mentioned to me that we will watch that one because it was alittle red but nothing to be concerned with. So he ordered me some blood work for my own peace of mind and sent me home. Days leading to that appointment were awful for me. I could not get cancer out of my mind. I was obsessed with it. Once again I pushed John almost to his breaking point. The "Normal person" thinks about these things and are worried but ME I take them to a whole new level, I imagine every possible outcome most of them being bad. I obsess over how my kids would ever handle anything ever happening to me. In fact that morning in the doctors office while waiting a had a massive panic attack and my pulse was still elevated by the time I got examined. Leaving the doctors office that day I did feel much better, the doctor and I discussed ways to help with all the anxiety and obsessiveness, I was very glad to hear that he did not want me to go back on the drugs yet. He believes that I can do this, I just have to find my own way of dealing with it. Today I went back to get the one on my breast removed, I mentioned to him that maybe we should just remove the one that I have to watch, he said that was probably a good idea because then I would not obsess over it. He then tells me that he neeeds to send that one in because of the redness and he can't say 100% that its nothing, of course my heart starts pounding he could see it in my eyes. He said I am 99% sure its nothing Im just doing it because we want to be sure. after leaving the doctors office very sore of course but I called John and of course I am all choked up telling him that I was nervous. He in turn said in his asshole way of thinking like a man, Oh My Gosh you are not starting this again. You are fine. I hang up run to Meijer and get some bandages still nervous about cancer and really pissed at my caring husband on the verge of tears. Walking into Meijer praying in my head, please God let me remain calm and not freak out, let me have the ability to handle my lifes issues like I do with everyones else who shares their problems with me. I get my stuff get out to my truck and get a very calm warming feeling. Suddenly my chest stops hurting, I no longer feel like crying, and John calls to say that he's sorry and he's sure I am alright. The Shelly from 2 weeks ago may have lost it, but I feel different this time. Am I still worried? Sure I mean who would not be, am I confident that its not going to come back skin cancer no, not really but I know that whats meant to be will be. I am doing everything I can to stay on top of things and thats really all I can do. Freaking out is not going to change the results. Sometimes I need a little reminder of what a strong woman I actually am. I think the thing that frustrated me the most is my ability to help others with their issues but I sometimes can't take my own advise. I also have to learn to be more patient, I am always looking for a quick fix, I want to know everything now, I hate waiting.. I go back in a week to get my stitches removed and to get the results back. All I can do know is pray and wait and go on living my life. Lets just keep are fingers crossed I can :)

Giving Directions

Happy 1st Birthday Alex

My nephew Alex turned 1 yesterday, I can't believe it! He is so big. We are so blessed to be a part of this special lil guys life. Happy Birthday Alex, Auntie loves you!!

Feeling a bit crazy!

These last few weeks for me have been a bit rough, I have felt overwhelmed with guilt, worry, you name it I'm sure I have felt it. So the whole getting off prozac thing is done. (Thank God for that) So what the heck is wrong with me. The sun is shinning I should be happy right? No, now I am remembering why I started taking the stuff to begin with. Everyone knows that Johns job is not doing well, I'm sick of thinking, worrying about it, I pray daily about it, I feel like it has consumed my life for the past month. Like I have said before it's easy to tell someone not to worry when it's not starring you in the face. I mean a million things go through my mind in a day. How will we pay our bills, I feel like I took for granted so many things, John used to get unlimited amount of over time, if he wanted it, he took it. I complained about all the extra hours and the 3rd shift, but we were always able to spoil our kids and do the things we wanted. I'm going to sound selfish for a bit but it's just been really bothering me. John and have always been able to take a vacation of some sort once a year. We have been blessed we have taken the kids to Disney 4 times, Vegas, Mall of America, Texas plus a ton of weekend getaways. Why did I take that for granted for so long. I wish I could go back and savor those moments with my family instead of obsessing about every lil thing. When I am feeling sorry for myself I remind myself that God gives and takes away, I need to still count my blessing each day and I try very hard too. In the middle of all my worrying I have been looking into going back to school. I looked into online schools which are very expensive but would work out perfect for me with my schedule but I don't qualify for much financial aid, I have researched every aspect about going back to school. I not only have the worry of John losing his job but I also have the worry about losing day care kids because of their parents losing their jobs, not to mention I have a bunch of kids going to school full days next years, which means I lose money. I have not really had to worry about that because I charge the same until they go to school full days. I figure that if I have to feed them lunch and hold a spot for them it has to be worth my time. Now I have four kids that will be going all day so I have to come up with a new price thats good for the parents and that will still make it worth my while to keep their spot for summer. I have been talking with another Daycare provider on facebook who has been so helpful with these issues. See how my days are filled with anxiety and worry, I guess if Johns work was doing good this daycare stuff would not matter as much, so I feel torn, do I look for more kids, try to do the online school thing or try to find a job in this shitty economy? So on top of all that it would not be like me if I could not possibly find something else to obsess about. On Saturday I start feeling anxious about my health, I start thinking wonder if I get cancer , wonder if i'm dying and I don't even know it? These are the exact things I used to obsess about before prozac. I have no symptoms, nothing really going on with my health, other than gaining unwanted weight I feel fine. I had myself so worked up last night that I have taken my health for granted, feeling guilty thinking I could be such a better mother and wife, I totally have myself convinced that something is wrong with me. John say's he knows whats wrong with me he say's I'm just CRAZY. So anyway long story short I made myself a doctors appointment. Honestly to be a fly on my wall somedays around here.

My Hailey

Hailey decided that she needs to get rid of that tummy and tighten those abs, no really she just watches her Mommy way to much , except I don't roll my pants up and wear tights under my jeans. Yes she can be a bit crazy. Imagine my surprise one day when she stepped off the school bus with her pants rolled up like that. I asked her if her teacher did that because she is in a growth transition her pants are either to long or to short , so I thought maybe her teacher had done it so she was not stepping on them. "Nope Mommy I did all by myself" Wonderful I thought , Now thats style!!! I'm not holding out a future in fashion for her!