Monday, April 19, 2010

Letter's to Heaven

Dear Todd, I woke up this morning thinking about you, I wondered if I had dreamed about you or if you were just on my mind. I have so many things I wish I could tell you. I cant believe it's been 3 years since you left this earth. I still have to pinch myself because it still does not seem real. Every time I drive by the airport I think of that awful day that they brought what was left of you home. My gut aches writing about it. Can you believe that your little girl is going to be 4 in October. Todd she is beautiful.... She is strong, smart and just an amazing little girl. She will often ask me about you, she asked me "did you love my Daddy?" I share many stories about us butting heads, but I always tell her of course I loved your Daddy. The older she gets I know the more curious she will become. Its hard because on days that she's upset with her Mom she will cry for you. It breaks my heart because she will really never know you the way we do. She has your attitude for sure and she is bossy. We used to call you teacher Todd well she is teacher Emma, she often corrects me which I am sure you would find hilarious. She loves chocolate, I mean really loves chocolate. She is a take charge kind of girl, she loves to give her Mama a hard time. She is so excited about starting school next year and says she wants to be just like her Kenzie. When I think of all that you have missed and will miss, it hurts more that any words can ever express, and what hurts even more is that I am going to have to watch her do these things without her Daddy. I could have used some help with that wife of yours, she seems to be lost at times, I try my best to keep picking her up but I can only do so much. I keep praying that someone good will enter in her life and really love her and Emma. Tyler is awesome, he is a great kid with a big heart. He has become quite the baseball player. He still brings up to me how you were able to attend his practices and a few games on leave. It meant so much to him. Mackenzie is a wonderful girl, she is getting so big she reminded me the other day how you were first to hold her at hospital when she was born. Hailey gets upset because when we talk about you she cant remember, only through pictures. Todd you would have loved her, she is something else, you would love her personality for sure. I have not forgotten your love for kids, especially mine. You were a wonderful Uncle. So much has changed especially at the holidays, we lost you and Grandpa the same year, you at Easter and Grandpa at Christmas, it was a tough year that's for sure. Holidays are just not the same, those chairs remain empty. I like to think that you and Grandpa are together up in heaven sharing laughs. I am blessed to have known you and had you in my family.


Lea said...

Wow girl - what a tear jearker! This is written so beautifully and straight from the heart. It's funny ya know, Lukas still talks about Todd and how he made him that paper hat out of a placemat. Whenever I look at Emma, I see Todd and think of how VERY much she is like her daddy. A little spitfire - that's for sure. Hang in there girlie. Heaven is a beautiful place where you'll all meet again someday. Love ya girl! <3

jennie said...


missing someone never does go away. As the years go on, the loss isnt there all the time, but instead hits you like a ton of bricks when you're not looking and sometimes makes you feel like you are back a square one. It looks like your family is slowly healing and filling that empty space left behind with love and great memories.

Adriana said...

Your post was very moving and beautiful. I can imagine your pain is deeper than those words can describe, but your words came pretty close to conveying that emotion.

Melissa said...

I just stumbled across your blog today and your letter to Todd really stuck home. 3 months ago I lost my husband (best friend, soul-mate and my everything), Tom, who died from cancer at the age of 30, leaving me and our 8 month old daughter alone on the earth. I, much like what I imagine your sister felt, feel so incredibly devastated and full of despair. I went through your archive and read some of the posts following Todd's death. I don't know why I felt the need to reach out to has said that everything happens for a reason. I used to say this too, but I don't think I will ever look back and think "I'm glad Tom died or that our daughter, Hattie will never know her Dad, first hand" Is there any advise you can give about how your sister made it through? I know physically I can make it, but I just don't want to.