Friday, May 4, 2007

My Life/ My Purpose

I am having one of those day's. It started off like a semi normal day, well about as normal as it can be since Todd's death. We had a yard sale and made about $400 dollars which really surprised me. My husband took the day off work to run it and thank goodness he did because I could not have done it alone with the day care kids. We went to Applebee's for dinner, just the five of us. At dinner my husband and I start talking about Todd, remembering our times with him. Almost a month later his death still feels so unreal, I can't believe that he is really gone. My husband and I go from being mad to sad and even scared of death. We both believe in God and both have always had this Strong feeling that things happen for a reason. But this has really been putting our faith to the test. I often feel mad. Why does God take the young and why do some suffer more in life. I have read the bible but I must confess I still question certain things. Don't get me wrong I do believe in God that has not changed I just have all these wonders. Why are some so fortunate when others can't catch a break. If each of us serves a purpose why do some choose to take their own lives? What pushes some to the edge? While others just drift through life without a care in the world. Years ago when I kept having miscarriages, I was so mad at God what had I done to deserve this? All I wanted was a baby and why did I feel like I was being punished. I did not understand why people who abused their children could have as many as they wanted and I could not have one more. I remember screaming and crying, on my knee's begging, Why me. I then looked at what I already had, a healthy son and believe me I was thankful for that. It was then I decided to just be thankful for all that God had already given me. I still feel the loss of my 3 miscarriages everyday. But now I am able to see that if it were not for those miscarriages I would not be blessed with my two daughters. They happened for a purpose. I guess I need to do the same in Todd's death. I must believe that he served his purpose here in life and now he has moved onto something better. It just hurts so damn much. I look at his daughter and I just feel so sad and angry. Why him? Why does she have to grow up without a daddy? It sometimes hurts to much to think about. It makes death so much more real to me and I guess that is what scares the hell out of me. What really does happen when you die? Why do some live to be 90 while others will only live to be 24. I guess I just have to have faith and know that things will be okay, and that we all serve a purpose. At tragic times like this it is just really hard to see the silver lining. We all must go on, there is nothing else we can do. We must live for our purpose. Be strong and happy and cherish our family.


Lee said...

Never stop questioning, Shelly. It's not wrong to feel angry. It's understandable. But remember to be happy, too...remember and talk about the funny times you shared with Todd.

I sorry to learn that you suffered 3 miscarriages...but as you say, you have beautiful children and are grateful for having them. :)