Thursday, January 17, 2008

My Life/ What a Day!!

I am starting to think that things are just never going to get easier for my family. Believe me I am not asking for a pity party because I am well aware that things could get alot worse and I know others who are battling much harder things in life, but my family is falling apart. My Mother is wasting away to nothing, she weighs less than me. Never have I seen her this skinny. The cause she tells me is stress. Ever since Todd's death my Mom has not been the same. As most know her and my Dad have a terrible relationship so she feels like she is alone. I can't imagine not being able to talk to John about money, life in general, it must feel so lonely at times. She has a horrible relationship with her own mother so sometimes I feel like I'm her mother. I thought it was because she had me so young, but now I realize it's because she needs someone to take care of her, to kind of show her the way. Don't get me wrong she is the best Mom and Nanny but I really believe that she had such a shitty childhood she could really use some mothering herself. In the last month I am watching her slowly spiral downward. I want to help, but I don't know how to anymore. I really realized today just how bad things are. My Mom was with my sister in the ER today because she passed out once again and she ran into my Uncle, the one who tried to kill himself just before Christmas. He is not doing much better, anyway long story short Katie drove my Moms vehicle home so that my Mom could stay with my Uncle, so after they were done in the ER My Aunt & Uncle brought her home. My day was already very busy when My Mom and Uncle came over. My Mom wanted me to talk to my Uncle. Which I really didn't mind doing but it is kinda hard when I have alot of kids here. So I am listening to him and trying to help all the while I'm changing diapers, chasing kids around. When visitors come they all get wild because they know I am busy and not paying to close attention. It was just crazy, I have nothing but good memories with my Uncle, some of my best childhood memories are with him. I hate seeing him so sad and just on the verge of tears. He no longer wants to harm himself but admits that he is so depressed he just does not know what to do. How do I help a mam that has always been so strong? A part of me just wants to hug him and the other part just wants to shake him and say it's not that bad. Your family is healthy is that not something to be thankful for? But I know that depression is just not that simple. All the while I am just watching my Mom fight back tears. I honestly do not know how to help her. We had a very long talk the other night on the phone but I'm not sure she really heard me. I just wish she would get out of this funk. The only time I ever see her smile is when she is around the kids. Even today they at least they got her to smile. She walks in and all the kids run to her arms shouting Nanny. She always calls all my daycare kids her other Grand kids. She gives them each a hug and kiss before leaving every time she visits. But still through all the kisses and hugs I still see so much sadness and it just breaks my heart. I suggested that she maybe talk to someone and she kinda got upset, so I backed off. I really feel like things are never going to be the same.


Kristin said...

Oh Shelly, is there anything I can do? You are such brave person always taking on everyones burdens. I hope this is just a "phase" and that she can work her way through it. She is such a wonderful, loving person. I hope she knows it. My children love her as their own. I wish you, your mom, and your uncle peace and love. Always know we are here for anything...ANYTHING...that you may need!

Anonymous said...

Girl...I wish I knew how to help!! I know you are so grateful for what you have, yet it's SO hard when you see your family struggling. Your mom is a wonderful person who has SO MUCH to be thankful for, but lonliness is a hard thing to live with. Maybe suggest she start blogging - just getting things in writing helps. You shouldn't have to carry the weight of everyone else's problems - yet you are the glue that holds everyone together. Please let me know if there is anything I can do!!

Anonymous said...

Shel, I'm so sorry that all this is happening. Maybe you could talk your mom into seeing a grief counsler? If you ever need anything or just need to talk please know that I am here anytime.
Love ya~L

Katie McKenna said...

Shelly, none of your lives will be the same... the death of a loved one vibrates throughour, changing our paths and our perceptions forever. However, that is not to say that one cannot still have a good life, even a fabulous life... just different from before. Maybe as L suggested your mum can go talk to a grief counsler.. she might need you to accompany her . Or start an online diary like Lea wrote. It sounds like your mum is caught in a whirlpool ... she is definitely in need... it does help a lot of times if one can help others worse off than One's self...

Be good to yourself too!