Wednesday, June 20, 2007

My Life/ The Unknown

My husband and I went for a run tonight well he ran and I rode my bike (I am not much of a runner). It was so quiet and peaceful something that I am not used to having three kids. It was so nice I almost did not want to come home. Ever since Todd's death I just keep thinking about the unknown things in life. On this bike ride my mind just kept wandering. I think my husband was getting alittle pissed because I was just keeping to myself. I almost feel like I do not know what is right or wrong anymore, I am constantly thinking of death and how we really have no control when our times up. By doing this I realize that I am just waisting time but I just can't help it. I have been emailing a father of a soldier that died in Iraq the first time Todd was in Iraq. He actually emailed me first and told me the sad story of how his son was killed and how Todd was with him and when Todd returned home he met with them. I asked this poor father do you ever feel normal again? His response was yes and no. With each new day you get stronger and are able to deal with life more but there is alway's this void you have. I see what he means because I do not cry everyday now, but I still think of him and wonder how things would be if he were still alive. His death has affected my everyday thinking on life. I don't worry so much about the bills and money which is a good thing but I also think about death more and how I could wake up tomorrow and someone else I love may be gone. It scares me a bit. I want to know is he okay? Is he with us? All these questions drive me nut's. Are we on the right path in life? The list goes on. My sister passed out the other night in the bathroom. She hit her head and has a mark on her face. I guess this is the second time this has happened it happened once in Texas. She went to the doctor this morning and they want to do a scan on her head. Of course she thinks the worse that she has a brain tumor or something. I told her she is fine and everything will be okay. But it really did get me thinking. Tragic things really do happen to all families. We think it will never happen to us and it really can. I guess I just can't worry about the unknown because there is really nothing I can do to change it. I just have to find a way to not worry so much and enjoy everyday.


Lee said...

Live every day positively, Shelly. Only time will heal your pain, but you can help the healing by concentrating on the positives of life...on your wonderful husband and children...their daily activities and achievements. Help them become the best possible people they can be. Don't dwell on death...dwell on "living" and "life". :)

Katie McKenna said...

What I learned.. is that life is too precious, but often held casually by being taken for granted.

This is the toughest time of the year for me. I use to love summers with the joy of a child. I still love the sun.. the feeling of freedom in the summer. Yet, towards the end of every June .. I still get mired down somewhat. Does the pain lessen? Yes... and yet , it remains. I think part of this is due to the way Gary died. If he had died in his sleep old, it might be easier to understand and accept. When we lose a loved one through tragic events; those events mark us.

At any given day, simply be you... the you full of love and light. That's the greatest gift one could share.