Monday, November 10, 2008

Remebering Todd..

Yesterday we had another dedication to Todd and two other fallen soldiers from West Michigan. This was a very short and sweet ceremony. It was held at the VFW out in Fruitport. Driving out there gave me the goose bumps because the last time I had been out by the airport was when Todd's body was brought back home from Iraq. We arrive and I am immediately targeted as Todd's widow, this was something that happened at every visitation, ceremony and even Todd's funeral. I must look like a widow, my sister laughs and says it's because I look much older than her. Whatever it is I hate that feeling, people come over to offer their condolences and think I am Steph. It creeps me out. Anyway Stephanie and our family were called to stand up so Stephanie and Emma could except a quilt from six ladies here in Muskegon that make them for fallen soldiers families. Steph is asked to introduce all of us and she just loses it. She is suddenly over come with emotion, in fact I look at every one of my family members and they are all filled with tears, all but me, so you guessed it I had to do all the talking. It is a beautiful quilt and it is so nice to know that Todd will never be forgotten. We sat behind another family, the fallen soldier left behind a wife and 2 young children. Several times I found myself starring at them, wanting to say something but just could not. On what seemed to be such an emotional day for everyone else, I did not cry. Which is very hard to believe because usually all it takes is to see my sister or my Mom crying and I can't help but to join in. I just did not feel the need to cry. I still miss him and love him and think about him every day but I think I have actually gotten to the point where I have excepted the fact that no amount of sadness I feel will ever bring him back to us. Looking at these other families I could not help feel a bond with all of them. We all have that something in common. We know the pain and the suffering that each other has felt because we have lived it. I really must say that without God's help I would have not made it through or been able to help my sister make it through those first unbearable days after Todd's death. I think it shows more and more with each day that I am able to deal with and accept him being gone. It is so wonderful that Emma will be able to have all these things that others have given her to remember her father. Someday she will be able to wrap herself up in that quilt and look through old pictures of her father and hopefully feel some how connected to him and also very proud of what he stood for.


Anonymous said...

I agree Shelly. No amount of sadness will bring Todd back and sooner or later, the tears do stop flowing. I know after losing my Gram, it took a good year or so for my tears to stop flowing at every little memory of her. Every now and again, something will overcome me and I cry...but now they are happy tears. Tears filled with good memories and laughter. Someday Steph and your mom will not cry so easily either. Everyone's grief period is different.
Thanks for sharing another story about Todd. I too miss his "shitty" little grin and his cockiness!! ~HA~

Kristin said...

Shelly, you are so much stronger than you give yourself credit for. I am "proud" of you. You have gone through so much these past 18 months and you have come out a different person...a better person...not that you were bad before...just a little better now. I wish you and your family PEACE and FAITH!!!!