Friday, November 7, 2008

Just babbling.

It feels like forever since I have written on this thing or even visited anyone else's blog for that matter. The time I have been spending on the computer is usually on MySpace or Facebook catching up with old friends and family. I've mostly been reading with any spare time I have, it takes me away from all the worries of life. I am having one of those moments where diving into a book is just not cutting it for me today. I need to release fears, anxiety, and other emotions that I am feeling before I explode on the wrong person. I have many draining days, if it is not my own worries I am constantly taking on the weight of everyone else's. I swear God is trying to tell me something, I know I need to be taking a different path in my life I just wish he could help line it up a bit better for me, I guess put it more in reach. My youngest sister is struggling in life at the moment, I want to help just unsure how. I sit and I read everyone else's blog's and how happy and perfect their lives seem. It's hard for many of us including myself to let our real faces be shown. It's hard to show how vulnerable we are as women, wifes and mothers. I find myself only blogging about the happy times in my life and often forget that blogging itself was a huge part of what got me through Todd's death. I was able to get my true feelings out there instead of keeping it bottled up inside. Granted at the time no one knew I blogged, so I didn't have to worry about what others would think of me. It's hard to put yourself out there almost naked for everyone to see. I am not a perfect person, friend, sister, daughter, wife and mother. I struggle with depression, anxiety and many other issues. I have had a struggling marriage and often still struggles in many ways. I struggle as a Mom, I struggle with daycare and the toll it takes on me and my home and my patience with my own children. John and I are facing many new challenges these days. Mostly financial ones. With the struggling economy Johns work is not doing well. He is not even getting his forty hours a week in. Kids are costly having a family of five is very costly. We are so used to John getting over time here and there to help balance out the extras we need. Now we are starting to see that we must prepare for the real possibility of a job change. It seems like all we do is argue about money well lack of it. Groceries have gone up so much I can't walk out of Meijers under $350 and I have to make that stretch for two weeks, thats not only feeding my family thats feeding a daycare besides that. We decided last night that instead of fighting over these types of things we need to take action. We will have to really cut back on things. Account for every bit of money that is spent. I learned that John would really like to move out of state. He has been mentioning this to me for the past few years and I have never really taken him seriously. Don't freak out if you are a day care parent, we are only talking, it could take years before this would even be possible. I have many issues with moving, mainly my kids, leaving family, friends having to start over. It scares the hell out of me. John wants to start sending resumes everywhere, which also scares me a bit. How will we know if we like it or if we will be happy. Writing about it is giving me anxiety... He needs me to trust him on this, have faith in him. I do realize that Michigan has been very hard hit by the economy. But this is my home, my family, my friends. Another suggestion that I had was maybe me actually getting a part time job out of the house on the weekends, that way I could still do day care during the week. The only problem with that is I think of all the things I would miss with my own kids. I am at a complete stand still. I understand that my husband wants to do something before it gets worse, in his eyes losing his job would be the worst, or me losing daycare kids. I have been trying to pick up an extra kid to help but everyone that needs me only needs me part time. I have to make it worth it especially when my sanity is involved. I prayed this morning like I have never prayed before, instead of praying for things and others I prayed for more faith. I need more faith in God, in my husband, even in myself. I prayed for guidance and strength. Whats the purpose for this post? really not sure just tired of pretending, wanted to remind myself that no life is perfect, and my struggles make me who I am. Mainly I think to just feel better by releasing things that are going through my mind. Thats my new goal for this blog, I am going to be more real, show who I really am, that includes the bad with the good.


Theresa said...

WOW!!! I totally understand what you are going through! Matt and I started Cederquist Electric 5 years ago and we are WAY in debt...the company still exists in name only. We too have the fights and arugment (almost everyday) about money...I also feel like i am struggling with depression and anxiety! Matt has taken a job out of state for a few weeks (maybe more) so I also have an issue of feeling like a single MOM! (and I totally HATE IT)! I do believe that Prayer can help! I love that you just put it all out here in this blog! I also need to pray for more faith in God, in myself, in my family, and especially in my husband also guidence and strength.

Thank you for the post and opening my eyes!

Babbling is good sometimes!

You and your family are in our prayers!

Jennifer Witham Buck / Graceful Expressions said...

Oh Shelly, I wish I was there right now to give you a big hug and say a prayer with you.
If I have ever led you to believe that my blog/life is perfect, oh honey I have another story to tell. I, too, battle with the depression so I am right there with you (depression and anorexia/eating disorders in general usually go hand-in-hand) Kevin and I have been married just 18 months, and that has been a completely new experience as well. Definitely not perfect. Now, we are trying to start a family and having challenges. God has lessons for each of us to learn, I guess...but He has put people in my life to help. I am so thankful for those people!
I can only take it day by day - sometimes hour by hour- and just put my faith in His hands. Whatever you and your family are led to do, I am sure it will happen. But you are definitely not alone in your feelings/emotions and struggles.
Being real - that has been a goal of mine for a very long time, and I will join forces with you!
Have a great weekend...

Mandy said...

What a great post Shelly! It really shows how real you are! I can totally relate to your fears of moving away from family. Everytime Mike comes home from work and tells me they are laying off more people my heart sinks. I know if he ever was laid off, we would probably have to look out of state, because Michigan has nothing! You just have to remember you are not going at this alone, I can almost guarentee, that everyone that reads your blog is having the same struggles as you, on one way or another. So just keep your head up and from what I hear you are an EXCELLENT daycare provider! I give you TONS of credit for that, because it does take a special person to do your job!!!

Anonymous said...

Ok girl...I get back from vacation and am now in tears reading this. You are right - you seem to have the "perfect" life in many people's eyes. Very rarely does the true feelings of SHELLY get displayed. I realize when you're hurting or sad or when things just don't seem right. And even though I see you on a daily basis, we rarely get time to just chat. (You know..the stuff girls LIVE for!) ~HA~

I want you to know I am here to support you in any future decision you guys make. Believe me, my heart will break into a million pieces if you ever leave, but I also want you guys to do what's best for your family. (Besides - if you move out of state, it's another place for us to visit!) HA! The ironic thing is, on the way home today, Tom said, "I'm ready to move. Let's start looking for jobs in other states". WOW - did he talk to John over the week, or what??

About blogging: I'm not one to share my true self to others too quickly - as I'm sure you well know. However, over the past year and a half, I've grown SO much spiritually, emotionally and have discovered more about myself than I ever thought possible. There are other blogs I read and I can't help but wonder who the "REAL" person is behind all the fluff. Noone's life is perfect - far from it I'm sure. You need to do what makes YOU happy in life. No one else can do that for you and no one but YOU knows what that will entail. I too am doing my best at trying to help people through things they are going through by using my own personal life experiences.

Hang in there girl!
You are truely wonderful in many ways!!
Love ya!

jennie said...

I do know what you mean when you read other blogs where life does seem perfect. For me these are the blogs of people I've never met. And maybe they have had some horrible experience but it seems like besides that all is just peachy. I have come to believe that it is purely a defense against the pain in their life. If you go back and read your own blog and can only find sunshine and rainbows then maybe life isnt so difficult. I hope in my own writing I can come across as real. But I also dont want to live my life as Debbie Downer. I am guessing this is kinda what you have felt too(?)
It is so funny to read this post because I feel it has perfect timing with a post I just wrote. I want you to know that you are not alone. Is this a comfort? Not sure. It is kind of to me, and also a great way we can all share these life lessons.
Thank you for putting this into words. I hope I am making some sense. I love your bolg. I do think you have been very real. You share your fears and pain. But I also see that you see your blessings too. Its truely finding a middle ground.

Keep on writing! You never know what good your own "therapy" is doing for someone else. The beauty of a blog is that there are no rules and you can write whatever you want. Do NOT worry about offending anyone. Its your blog:)