Just babbling.

It feels like forever since I have written on this thing or even visited anyone else's blog for that matter. The time I have been spending on the computer is usually on MySpace or Facebook catching up with old friends and family. I've mostly been reading with any spare time I have, it takes me away from all the worries of life. I am having one of those moments where diving into a book is just not cutting it for me today. I need to release fears, anxiety, and other emotions that I am feeling before I explode on the wrong person. I have many draining days, if it is not my own worries I am constantly taking on the weight of everyone else's. I swear God is trying to tell me something, I know I need to be taking a different path in my life I just wish he could help line it up a bit better for me, I guess put it more in reach. My youngest sister is struggling in life at the moment, I want to help just unsure how. I sit and I read everyone else's blog's and how happy and perfect their lives seem. It's hard for many of us including myself to let our real faces be shown. It's hard to show how vulnerable we are as women, wifes and mothers. I find myself only blogging about the happy times in my life and often forget that blogging itself was a huge part of what got me through Todd's death. I was able to get my true feelings out there instead of keeping it bottled up inside. Granted at the time no one knew I blogged, so I didn't have to worry about what others would think of me. It's hard to put yourself out there almost naked for everyone to see. I am not a perfect person, friend, sister, daughter, wife and mother. I struggle with depression, anxiety and many other issues. I have had a struggling marriage and often still struggles in many ways. I struggle as a Mom, I struggle with daycare and the toll it takes on me and my home and my patience with my own children. John and I are facing many new challenges these days. Mostly financial ones. With the struggling economy Johns work is not doing well. He is not even getting his forty hours a week in. Kids are costly having a family of five is very costly. We are so used to John getting over time here and there to help balance out the extras we need. Now we are starting to see that we must prepare for the real possibility of a job change. It seems like all we do is argue about money well lack of it. Groceries have gone up so much I can't walk out of Meijers under $350 and I have to make that stretch for two weeks, thats not only feeding my family thats feeding a daycare besides that. We decided last night that instead of fighting over these types of things we need to take action. We will have to really cut back on things. Account for every bit of money that is spent. I learned that John would really like to move out of state. He has been mentioning this to me for the past few years and I have never really taken him seriously. Don't freak out if you are a day care parent, we are only talking, it could take years before this would even be possible. I have many issues with moving, mainly my kids, leaving family, friends having to start over. It scares the hell out of me. John wants to start sending resumes everywhere, which also scares me a bit. How will we know if we like it or if we will be happy. Writing about it is giving me anxiety... He needs me to trust him on this, have faith in him. I do realize that Michigan has been very hard hit by the economy. But this is my home, my family, my friends. Another suggestion that I had was maybe me actually getting a part time job out of the house on the weekends, that way I could still do day care during the week. The only problem with that is I think of all the things I would miss with my own kids. I am at a complete stand still. I understand that my husband wants to do something before it gets worse, in his eyes losing his job would be the worst, or me losing daycare kids. I have been trying to pick up an extra kid to help but everyone that needs me only needs me part time. I have to make it worth it especially when my sanity is involved. I prayed this morning like I have never prayed before, instead of praying for things and others I prayed for more faith. I need more faith in God, in my husband, even in myself. I prayed for guidance and strength. Whats the purpose for this post? really not sure just tired of pretending, wanted to remind myself that no life is perfect, and my struggles make me who I am. Mainly I think to just feel better by releasing things that are going through my mind. Thats my new goal for this blog, I am going to be more real, show who I really am, that includes the bad with the good.