Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Taking the moment

The past weekend was busy as usual. Friday Johns bother got married, after the reception/open house we met my sisters at the drive in something we have not done all summer long. Tired out from such a long day we both fell asleep during the movie. Tyler is the only one that made it through the whole movie. Saturday we decide that we are going to start school shopping. We thought we would start at the Outlets in Howell. I was driving and John noticed that I had a rash of some sort on my neck. So as I am feeling for the rash I discover a lump in my neck right above my collar bone. Anyone who knows me well knows that I jump to the worst conclusion. Within minutes I am fighting back tears, Johns yelling at me for getting upset and thinking I have cancer and my kids are wondering what the hell is wrong. They asked why I was crying I said it was because I had a headache, not realizing that is what I always say when I am upset, Tyler says back, "you always say that when you don't want to tell us something." I just ignored the comment and stuck to my headache story. The rest of the way to Howell all I did was think. Which is sometimes not a good thing for me to do. In fact the whole weekend I was quiet and felt awful. I had a very hard time enjoying myself at all. I kept thinking what are my kids going to do without a Mom? I don't want them to see me sick, I know I am CRAZY. Feeling sorry for John yet? I literally drove him out of his mind all weekend long. I would go from cherishing every moment with them to crying hysterically. I was so upset with John I almost felt like he did not care or was not taking me seriously. He kept explaining to me over and over that he was worried but he was not going to officially worry until he had something to worry about, if that makes any sense... I kept insisting no John, this is my body and I know I have cancer and thats that. Everyone tried to reassure me that everything was probably fine, special thanks to Tom, Lea. my Mom and Mother and law for trying to make me feel better. By Monday morning I am convinced it is cancer because it felt bigger, so I call the doctors office asap. I mean withing minutes of them opening. I explain everything to the nurse and she basically tells me to watch it but since I could move it, she was not so concerned, and that when my doctor was back from vacation in a week I could have it checked out. I did not feel comfortable with that answer so I said I would see any doctor. She then put me on hold and got my chart out. She gets back on the phone and says can you be here in 15 minutes. Now I would love to see this chart of mine, I am convinced that it says CRAZY lady somewhere in it and on my kids it probably says CRAZY mother, let her come in or she will keep bugging.. There is very good reason for them thinking I am a bit paranoid at times, when my kids were smaller I would freak out over the smallest of things. Like for instance I read in the paper when Ty was about 4 that some other small child had died from the flu, well I wanted answers and Ty had a very bad cold but no fever, so I lied and said he had a temp just so he could be seen. Another example after suffering several miscarriages after Tyler I was filled with anxiety, so much anxiety my heart would race, well I was convinced that I had a heart condition, two different doctors told me it was anxiety but nope I was not buying it, I insisted in an EKG.. Well no heart problem just one over paranoid woman. So over the years I think they have just learned to work with me. I am not nearly as bad as I used to be but I do have my moments. Back to the lump, I did see a doctor and I am fine, I am fighting a cold and allergies so my lymphoid is swollen creating the lump I felt. Thank you God, after receiving that news I was in the greatest mood ever. The kids could have burnt the house down and I would have still been smiling. I hate that I always presume the worst but honestly I think I do that to protect myself, I don't ever want to get that news being unprepared. I hate surprises. I also think that the older I get and the more I hear about others having cancer that our my age and younger, it really scares the hell out of me. So for this moment I am taking it and being thankful.


jennifer said...

Hey girly, glad you are OK. I am sure that like me, you are thanking God for His little "reminders" on how blessed our lives really are( but He could let up a little!)

Anonymous said...

Have I told you I'm SO grateful you are my friend?? Honestly!! Not only are you a wonderful person, but you really do keep me feeling sane - mainly because I know there are times I'm just as paranoid as you!! ~HA~
I'm so glad everything is ok girl! Take care!!
Love ya!

Jodi said...

I'm glad you are okay. Of course you jump to the worst possible're a mom! Funny about the drive-ins...we were just having the same conversation about how we haven't gone in a couple of years. (I fell asleep last time, too) I am hoping we get it in this summer. Sports is kicking our butts and taking up all of our time!!