Thursday, April 3, 2008

Hitting Rock Bottom....

I called my Uncle tonight, the one that tried to kill himself months ago, it was his 51st birthday yesterday and I forgot to call him. I actually remembered it yesterday but I really was to afraid to call. I have been hearing that things have not gotten any easier for him these past months. His son stopped by my house this morning to kind of bring me up to date on everything that has been going on with him. I guess he is experiencing some affects from the toxins he inhaled when trying to end his life. He has short term memory loss, terrible pains in his legs, shortness of breath. They have their house up for sale and are moving in with his wife's Dad. As most everyone knows he sold his business last summer and thats when everything else has been on a downward spiral. I finally get up the nerve to call at about 6pm, I talked to him until 8:30. Which is something I have never done with him on the phone. He was very happy to hear from me but soon he was just filled with sadness. He was becoming more and more choked up as he was just spilling his guts out to me. Soon tears are just streaming down my face. I just don't know how to help him. You have to understand, My Uncle was like a Dad to me when I was younger, We lived with him when I was a baby, I did not know who my real Dad was until I was three, so I used to go around calling him Dad. When My parents got together and were married I still spend most weekends with him. He would always make such yummy dinners for us kids, he loved to cook and spoil us. He showed me more love as a child than my own father ever has my whole life. I used to wish I had a Dad like him. For as long as I can remember he has always had money. He spoiled all of his kids rotten. Not only did he show them affection he gave them anything and everything. I loved going shopping with him and my cousins because it was a guarantee I would get something. My parents never had much money so we were not able to go out to eat at nice places, McDonalds & Burger King was it, but my Uncle would take us to Red Lobster or really any place we wanted to go. He really had an affect on me. He was the most kind giving man. The last person that I would ever see falling apart. He kept reminding me on the phone, that a year ago everything was wonderful, his wife threw him a big 50 bash at a hall. It was so much fun. He wishes he could just go back to that moment. My mind begins wandering I remember that Day. I remember I picked up a special card and wrote something sappy in it. I also remember that day because it was the last time my Sister would ever talk to to Todd. He called right before the party and told her that he was going into a bad area and she would not hear from him for a while and not to worry, he would be home in a few weeks. Little did she know that would be her last conversation with her husband. Little did I know that would be the last time I would see my Uncle happy. The life he described to me just breaks my heart, I don't know how to help. John gets upset because he thinks I take on the worlds problems. He believes I waste to much time worrying about everyone else. He hates seeing me cry and he also just does not understand why he can't snap out of it. I just can't stop worrying about others, it's who I am, it defines who I am. I can go get my hair done and leave knowing every shocking detail or problem of the hair dresser. It amazes John, how people find it so easy to open up to me. I call it a gift, the one true thing I do right. I feel blessed to have such compassion for people. I feel awesome if I can make someone else feel better or like they are not alone. So when someone I love is in such despair, it really does bother me that I cannot find the words or ways to help him. I want to help him, I feel bad because I feel like I just put distance between us because I did want to see him that way, thats so bothersome to me, and usually not like me at all. I do know that I can't give up on him. Life was much more easy as a kid.....


Kristin said...

I am so sorry all of this is happening to you. Please, remain strong. I know it is easy for me to say, but you really do have to have faith that everything is happening for a reason and that there are lessons to be learned.

You are a terrific listener and a great friend to tell your problems to. Try not to let those problems consume you.

Try to enjoy the good in life too. You deserve happiness in your life and not so much sadness.

Anonymous said...

Hey girl! I can't imagine how you feel! I remember going to your uncles and riding 4-wheelers and having a great time! He is a wonderful man and only God knows why he is feeling so down lately.

You're right - you definately have a gift of listening. You also need to remember to allow others to help you. I personally know how difficult that can be - but you cannot have other's problems consume you as Kristin said.

Hang in there - it will get better!
Love ya!

jennschultz said...

I am putting the pieces together and I think I am remembering your uncle. I am just so sorry for what he is going through. Depression is truly an illness. Praying for stregnth for all those affected.

I don't know what it is about you...but it is a gift. you have warmth and wisdom in those eyes of yours. You just need to learn not to carry the burdens of others. And I am sure that is easier said than done. I have recently heard a really good quote that remids me of you. I'm going to look for it and try to get it to you.

jennschultz said...

Found it....Sorry its so long.

Leo Buscaglia : The majority of us lead quiet, unheralded lives as we pass through this world. There will most likely be no ticker-tape parades for us, no monuments created in our honor. But that does not lessen our possible impact, for there are scores of people waiting for someone just like us to come along; people who will appreciate our compassion, our unique talents. Someone who will live a happier life merely because we took the time to share what we had to give. Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have a potential to turn a life around. It's overwhelming to consider the continuous opportunities there are to make our love felt.

Life in the Fast Lane said...

Shel, I am so sorry to hear about your uncle not doing well. Mental illness is a terrible thing with unfortunately no cure. Only medications that can help only if the right combination is found, along with therapy.
I truly believe that God gave you a gift, or maybe it is a calling?? You are one of the most compassionate and caring people I have ever met. People are drawn to you and open up there hearts to you. Its like they can tell that you are truly feeling what they feel, weather that be happiness, sadness or anger. You take these feelings into your own heart as your own. But in do doing this they become a part of you and before you know it you are carrying around the feelings of others on your shoulders. In your blog when you said <"So when someone I love is in such despair, it really does bother me that I cannot find the words or ways to help him. I want to help him, I feel bad because I feel like I just put distance between us because I did not want to see him that way, that's so bothersome to me, and usually not like me at all."> I just wanted to say that I don' think you have anything to feel guilty or bad about. You did the very best thing you could do for your uncle witch was just listening. Maybe you are just learning to better use this wonderful gift you were given without taking on the sadness and despair into your own self?