Tuesday, March 18, 2008


I've been struggling with what to write on here latley, I am struggling with this whole one year mark of Todd's death. I can't get past it all of a sudden, it seems like it is all my sister and I talk about. She wants to skip the whole Easter thing this year and I can't say I blame her. Easter falls so early I feel like we have to re-live that terrible day twice. First of course on Easter because that was the day it happened but because Easter falls on different days each year, April 8th is actually the date of his death, which was Easter Sunday last year. We are changing Easter Sunday up a bit for that reason. My whole family, (Hopefully my Dad too) will attend church and go to my Grandma's house for dinner, which is something we have not done in a very long time. Although it will be odd not having my Grandpa there. Stephanie, John, and the kids & I will visit Todd's gravesite in the afternoon, then we are going to my Mother in laws in the evening. So for the most part I will be kept very busy, but I just can't shake this sad feeling. It's been a while since I have felt this down. Three times today I just busted out in tears and I so badly wanted to go and bury my head in my bed. I went tanning tonight and I was listening to my Zune and I just started bawling at every sad song that played. I wanted to listen to the sad stuff, I looked like a train wreck. It does not help that John got thrown back on third shift for the week. He does not understand why I hate it so much, not only does it mess up my schedule with the kids but it reminds me of when Todd was killed. John was working third up until that happened. I asked him to talk to his boss about switching him back to the day shift at that time because I could not handle being alone at night. Whenever anyone that I know dies, I feel scared and my emotions make me crazy. I can't be alone, and luckily for me, Johns work was very understanding. He not only had a week off, they put him back on first shift and that is where he has stayed for the past year. Until he went back on first shift, I never realized how much I hated him on thirds. We have zero time for one another, and it just sucks going to bed every night without him. Hopefully it will only be for this week. The Washington Post contacted me and wanted a story on a year later and how are family is doing. I said I would think about it, but she was generous enough to send me pictures of Todd's stone at Arlington. She explained to me that someone had left 3 Easter eggs on the stone. She said that I would be amazed at all the people who come through there in a day just to read the stones and pray. I have also been receiving Emails from all around, remembering Todd, some who knew him, others who just know he died on Easter and want to know how my sister is doing. I can't tell you how much it means to have strangers sending you emails, these are people I have never met or have never met my sister but still find the time to say, hey we are thinking of you. There are still kind people in this world. Thanks to all my friends who read my blog and take the time to comment and show such compasion. It means alot to me....


jennie said...

I have lived the 3rd shift nightmare and I can sympathize with you. Hope you can get back to your normal life soon.
Thank you for posting the photos of Todd's stone. Its quite beautiful in its own way. I want you to know that Your sister and their little girl, you and your family are in my prayers every day.
And it is inspiring to hear that there are so many others who will NOT forget people like Todd and what they have done, not just for our country, but for the entire world. I am so thankful.

Anonymous said...

Wow...I never realized how "final" Todd's death really is until I see his name in stone. I personally have not been back to the cemetary since the day of his funeral. For me, it brings back a whole other flood of emotions when I think back. And yet, during that time, you were still there for me, for Steph and for your family. I truely hope you realize how strong of a person you really are Shelly. Take this time to be sad, grieve and remember Todd. It's ok. Just remember it's not ok to stay down for too long. Todd wouldn't want that, and it's not healthy for you. Time does heal all wounds...but no one knows for sure how much time it will take. Todd will always be in your heart and someday, you'll be together again.
Love you guys!