Thursday, March 6, 2008

My Life/ Thinking to much...

Somedays I really hate being a women. No it's not my time of the month or anything, I'm just cranky. I have not had many of these days in the past few months but when I get them, I just want to run in my room and hide. Last night at about 7pm, I got so tired I could barely keep my eyes open, so I went to bed by 8pm which is very rare for me. I layed there watched some TV, snuggled with my girls, of which one was in her bikini. (Thats a whole other story) But I could not sleep, finally at like midnight I took a muscle relaxer and I finally went to sleep. I can't tell you the last time I could not go to sleep, usually within 10 minutes I am out. I think some of it might have to do with Easter coming up. The good thing is Easter falls earlier this year. April 8th will mark the one year of Todd's death and last year that was Easter Sunday. That day that plays over and over in my mind. If I think about it long enough I still can hear everyone sobbing in disbelief. If I allow myself to really think about that day, I can still feel the hurt in the pit of my stomach. I replay that day over and over in my mind. Easter dinner at my Moms, then my sisters coming back here to play games. Meeting Rich for the first time. Getting that phone call from my Mom saying that Steph needed to come home, and sending John with her, when I should have gone. Hearing the officers in the background break the terrible news to my family right in the driveway, and me being on the phone not able to do a darn thing. Hearing my sister cry like that is something I will never forget. After making it over there, finding my family in such disbelief, my Dad and husband crying like I have never seen them cry before. The next month would be such a haze. Sometimes I wonder how in the hell did we all make it through all that? Whats strange is that my sister called me this morning telling me that she had a really rough night also. She said she was thinking of Todd and just started crying and she could not stop. I wish I would have known she was awake, we probably could have helped each other. It's hard because as time passes everyone moves on, they remember but because it is not in their family, they forget. We can't forget. I look at Emma and Todd is all I see. I think of all those things that he will miss and that she will miss by not knowing him. Every time I see my sister struggle with something, it brings me back to his death, what if it never happened? He would be home with his wife and daughter, but now instead Steph is trying to make a new life for Emma & herself. I will never forget April 8, 2007. That was certainly a day of change for all of us.


Life in the Fast Lane said...

Huge (((Hugs )))Shelly. I am thinking of you guys. If you ever need to talk I'm here anytime.
Love ya~L

jennschultz said...

Thinking of all you guys. This will always be a tough time of year for you. Mine is the weeks before Christmas when we lost our Mom. And every situation is different, but I think things get more bareable, if not easier. Its hard to say easier, but the way we react to the grief changes. I hope you are all doing something kinda special in his memory.

Your writing put me there, a fly on the wall,so-to-speak, on that day. Its hard for me to imagine such a moment, but you took us there. Thank you.

Anonymous said...

Hey girl...I can only imagine how difficult this month is going to be for you guys. As my Gram always told me: "This too shall pass and time heals all wounds". Todd's memory will live on within your hearts, your souls and in Emma. Emma is truely the God sent Todd left behind which helps us all keep him a little closer.
Stay strong girl - you are one amazing woman!! Let me know if there is anything you ever need!
Love ya!