Oh how I miss blogging

I have been thinking about getting back into blogging for a while, this was always a place I could express myself through writing and was always something I really enjoyed until facebook pretty much took over. So many new things have happened since my last post way over a year ago.. My life has been so crazy busy I can hardly keep up with anything. The daycare pretty much consumes my life lately and can you believe it I have been officially licenced for over a year and a half now? I cant believe how I thought that one piece of paper could turn my life upside down and I look back on how scared I was of this change and it seems that ever since then my life has only been more blessed because of it. Now it seems so stupid that I was so terrified of this change. I thought things would slow down once school started but I guess that's not the case, which is a good thing. We celebrated Tyler's 14th birthday yesterday. Hard to believe that I have a 14 year old, honestly I look over at him and still look for any glimpses of that little boy playing with his buzz light year. When people tell you that your kids really grow up to fast, they sure weren't lying. Although I wish I could keep them small forever I do feel excited to see what great things their future has in store for them. With that being said I cant believe I will be 35 years old next month WOW, that seems so strange, other than the fact of feeling tired out I really don't feel like I am going to be be 35. I look back on my life and all I think about is how fast it seems to be going. I question my actions at times, have I been a good enough mom to my kids, or a good enough wife to my husband? Have I cherished my life with them enough? Sadly as much as I would like to say YES I know that I could always be better. When your kids are younger you just kinda think ok I just need to get through this age or stage and then life will be easier, I wont worry so much but sadly the older they get the more complicated my life becomes, walking , potty training, first day of kindergarten all these worries turn into who's going to carpool, first loves, first heartbreaks, having "the talk" lots of tears from the kids (and me)... drivers training and so on... The worry never goes away and I wish I could go back to when they were all babies and have a couple do overs. I would enjoy their birthdays more instead of just getting through them. I was always so worried about the parties and never took the time to enjoy the actual moment. Another thing is I would have video taped them more when they were younger. I miss hearing those tiny voices. I look back at this blog and the one thing I love is that it has so many memories that I shared about each one of them and my life. For this I am very grateful and gives me all the more reason for starting again...

Letter's to Heaven

Dear Todd, I woke up this morning thinking about you, I wondered if I had dreamed about you or if you were just on my mind. I have so many things I wish I could tell you. I cant believe it's been 3 years since you left this earth. I still have to pinch myself because it still does not seem real. Every time I drive by the airport I think of that awful day that they brought what was left of you home. My gut aches writing about it. Can you believe that your little girl is going to be 4 in October. Todd she is beautiful.... She is strong, smart and just an amazing little girl. She will often ask me about you, she asked me "did you love my Daddy?" I share many stories about us butting heads, but I always tell her of course I loved your Daddy. The older she gets I know the more curious she will become. Its hard because on days that she's upset with her Mom she will cry for you. It breaks my heart because she will really never know you the way we do. She has your attitude for sure and she is bossy. We used to call you teacher Todd well she is teacher Emma, she often corrects me which I am sure you would find hilarious. She loves chocolate, I mean really loves chocolate. She is a take charge kind of girl, she loves to give her Mama a hard time. She is so excited about starting school next year and says she wants to be just like her Kenzie. When I think of all that you have missed and will miss, it hurts more that any words can ever express, and what hurts even more is that I am going to have to watch her do these things without her Daddy. I could have used some help with that wife of yours, she seems to be lost at times, I try my best to keep picking her up but I can only do so much. I keep praying that someone good will enter in her life and really love her and Emma. Tyler is awesome, he is a great kid with a big heart. He has become quite the baseball player. He still brings up to me how you were able to attend his practices and a few games on leave. It meant so much to him. Mackenzie is a wonderful girl, she is getting so big she reminded me the other day how you were first to hold her at hospital when she was born. Hailey gets upset because when we talk about you she cant remember, only through pictures. Todd you would have loved her, she is something else, you would love her personality for sure. I have not forgotten your love for kids, especially mine. You were a wonderful Uncle. So much has changed especially at the holidays, we lost you and Grandpa the same year, you at Easter and Grandpa at Christmas, it was a tough year that's for sure. Holidays are just not the same, those chairs remain empty. I like to think that you and Grandpa are together up in heaven sharing laughs. I am blessed to have known you and had you in my family.

Q&A

1. What is your current obsession? Really ME have an obsession no way! Lets see my obsessions can vary day to day even hour to hour as my husband would say, but my most current one is making sure Im ready for my inspection. I am constantly going through drawers looking for things that should not be there.

2. What are you wearing today? Jeans and a sweat shirt go figure....

3. What’s for dinner? Im thinking its a grilled cheese kinda night since Ty has basketball practice :)

4. What’s the last thing you bought? I bought a Calendar and some storage tubs.

5. What are you listening to right now? My Dad talking away on the phone to me about his job.

6. If you could have a house totally paid for, fully furnished anywhere in the world, where would you like it to be? John and I have talked about this many times, we would love to live somewhere south, we both do not enjoy the winters here.

7. What is one thing you want to change about yourself? I wish I was able to not worry so much. I tend to take on everyone elses problems and carry them in my heart and in my mind, John tells me a lot lately that he worries I will someday give myself a heart attack worrying about things I cant control.

8. If you could go anywhere in the world for the next hour, where would you go? I would go to a nice warm beach with my family and just enjoy every second with them.

9. Which language do you want to learn? I would love to learn french

10. What’s your favorite quote? you are only as good as what YOU GIVE... I tell my children this daily...

11. Would you cook for me? of course what would you like???


12. What is the right way to avoid people who purposefully hurt you? Hmm Im not really to good at this one, I guess maybe act as if they have not hurt me but I tend to think that if you completely do that you are living in a pretend world. I have given this a lot of thought lately due to my situation, my only answer is to carry on living my life as I did before and if I run into that person I would just basically act as if they were no one to me and go on with my day.

13. What are you afraid of the most? Anything happening to one of my kids, this includes all my kids (daycare and my niece and nephews)

14. Who do you want to meet right now? I would be thrilled to meet anyone famous :)

15. What is your favorite color? Purple for sure!

16. Give us 3 styling tips that work for you. Wow I got nothing......

17. What is your dream job? Well I always wanted to be a social worker (go figure) but now it looks as if I may be a teacher someday. I found out that one of the perks for being a licenced daycare provider they offer many scholarships for a teaching degree.

18. What’s your favorite magazine? love the gossip ones US Weekly is my favorite :)

19. If you had $100 now, what would you spend it on? something for the house

20. What do you consider a fashion faux pas? wow no time to even think about this one.

21. Who, according to you, is the most over-rated writer? no idea nor do I really care :)

22. What brings a smile on your face instantly? John always does even when we are fighting he has the ability to turn a bad situation into a funny one (which often ticks me off more at the time) and of course my kids I love everything about them.

23. What is one word that you say a lot? WOW I say this way to often but then again if you know my family and all the drama you know why...

24. What kind of haircut do you prefer? Not one in particular I would often like to go alittle shorter for mine but my husband hates short hair.

25. What are you going to do after this? Feed my sweet nephew some baby food and read the other kids a story :)

26. What do you do when you are feeling low or terribly depressed? This will sound stupid to some but I go into my bedroom in the dark cry my eyes out and talk to God, he is the only one with answers and that can help.

27. What makes you go wild? Wow you may have to ask John that one.

28. What are your favorite movies? Sixteen Candles is my all time favorite. But I really enjoy all movies

29. What inspires you? People with faith and that are not afraid to show it and people who just help others not because they have to but just because...

30. What do your friends call you most commonly? to my face Shelly, Shell John calls me Belle, behind my back a few names come to mind lol

31. Would you prefer coffee or tea? tea, cant stand coffee

32. Which other blogs do you love visiting? My friends

33. What is your favorite dessert/sweet? cheesecake and I love any kind of fruity candy...

34. How many tabs are turned on in your browser right now? One.

35. When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was the first thing you thought? Wow Im looking (turning) into my Mother...

36. What is your favorite season? Summer, I love the heat :)

37. What is one wish that you really want to see come true? For my kids to have all the happiness in the world.

38. What breaks your heart? I have to agree with Lea, seeing Emma breaks my heart especially when she asks me about her Daddy. At church this past Sunday there was a chalk artist and she drew at picture and it had Jesus watching over all of us and Emma said hey my Daddy is with that Jesus. I want to see him, I just lost it at that moment.

39. What's one thing you really want to do in life? I want to be the best person, wife, mom, daughter, aunt, friend that I can possibly be. Someday when Im gone I want to be remembered as that person :) I pray that God will continue to use me as a tool to help others in their lives :)