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Thursday, July 5, 2007

My Life

I don't know what is going on with me, these past few nights I have been having trouble sleeping. Once I fall asleep I wake up every few hours checking to see how many hours I have left until my alarm goes off. I think I maybe got about 3 hours of sleep total last night. I was dragging all day. I am praying that tonight I will just crash. My Sister had a hard morning, she walked in and said Hi and just started crying. I feel so terrible for her. She said that she was just missing Todd and that she still feels like it's all a bad dream. She started screaming at me and said "you don't know what it feels like to be me, you have your husband." I just started crying. I wish I could tell her it will get easier but I have never gone through this before, I really don't know what's right or wrong anymore. Last year at this time Todd and my sister came home for the 4th of July. They stayed about 2 weeks, we gave her a baby shower and had a family picture taken for my parents wedding anniversary. We had such a nice time. What a difference a year makes. We knew at that time that he would be going back to Iraq in October, but we were awaiting the birth of their daughter and he never spoke of it. I wish I could rewind time but life is not that easy. All day yesterday I thought of what we ate last 4th of July. It hurts to much to think of too long. I am sure that is why my sister was so upset today. I think that she was remembering the same things I have been. This weekend we are having a cook out at my Mom's house it is something we have every year. Our community has a small parade and activities during the day and fireworks at night. So we get to celebrate the 4th twice which is kinda cool. My kids love being able to watch double the fireworks. I only wish Todd was here watching the fireworks with his wife and daughter.

4 comments:

Mary said...

So unfair. There is just no way to help her but to be there for her. It makes me angry. My heart goes out to her.

Lee said...

As Mary said, all you can do is be there for your sister. She will lash out at you because she loves you. We always lash out at the ones we love for whatever strange reason. It's hard, I know.

There will much more pain and hurt and lashing out before things get back onto some even ground, Shelly...somehow you have to remain strong. I know it's easy for me to say...I'm not the one going through what you're going through. But do remain positive and hold on dearly to those you love and who love you. :)

Barbara said...

So very sorry to hear of your BIL's death. As for your sister, don't take her outbursts personally. She's in pain and all you can do is be patient and just keep loving her through the grief.

Katie McKenna said...

I use to love the 4th of July..until Gary was killed. Now I'm always glad when it's over... From mid June until the 5th of July always seems to be tough.. The pain will lessen with time. Not saying completely..and every year is different.... as is everyone...

It is difficult to understand the "Why".. Logically I can... but...

Every thing that you experience after your loved one dies is a milestone of sort.and that clicker in your head keeps counting.... and remembering....

Sleep.. I went through that.. and every time I saw the clock.. how little time I had left.. I stressed over how little sleep I was getting... very vicious circle. Now I sleep for 3 hours..wake up..go back to sleep for 3 more.... most Of the time....